In an unexpected turn of events, The GuardTimesPost Daily Speigel reports that recently detected changes in the solar wind are the results of heretofore covertly secret and highly clandestine spying activities by none other than the National Septuagenarian Association (NSA)!
According to documents provided by Beatrice Snowden, former NSA Social Activities and Black Ops Administrator, NSA Director General Keith-Tricky-Dick Cheney personally authorized a highly trained cadre of HVAC technicians to construct an unholy abomination known as the Passing Solar Wind-inator (PSW). Completed in January of this year, the PSW secretly ties into the HVAC systems of ALL American households with a mean household occupant age of 70 years old or greater. In a clear breach of U.S. Constitutional protections against unreasonable search and seizure, the PSW siphons off all human, canine, and feline bodily emanations from the affected homes, concentrates them, and then funnels the emanations into a giant, multi-thousand dollar underground collection facility buried somewhere in the deserts of Utah.
The exact methodology is still unclear, however, the flatulance concentrate is then force fed to baby artic seal pups transforming their mitochondrial DNA into super powerful rare earth magnets. Simultaneously and inexplicably the baby seal pups also gain the ability to psychicly control ambient magnetic fields. Naturally, full baby seal cranial evacuation is the final step in the transformation process. The end product is a biomechanical monstrosity, the PSW.
Multiple power point presentation provided by Snowden show General Cheney sitting astride his massive heap of squirming and super magnetically charged seal pups. Heaving to and fro, the pups writhe in ecstasy as the general directs their collective psycho-magnetic powers, altering the path of helium atoms traversing our solar system.
The end result, of course, is that the NSA can now listen in on every canasta game in the world! Russian President Putin has yet to comment on this matter.