Journal Journal: Reliance 2
Reliance and trust. I'm trying really hard now to learn that it's all right to place trust in someone else and rely on them. This is a struggle for me, and I find myself battling with it every day. I've spent my 25 years learning the hard way that you can only trust yourself, and that to rely on anyone for anything is nothing but a fast track to suffering. I've found this to be especially true of males... there has never been a male in my life who hasn't treated me like crap, save my grandfather. And now I'm going to vent about that and write it down because I've never done it before and it will make me feel better.
Biological Father- molestation when I was an infant. A fucking months old baby just lying there. I was, clearly, far too young to remember any of it, so I don't think I have any psychological things coming from that, but the fact that I know he did it is enough. My mom caught him when I was three and she left him immediately, bringing my then 1 year old sister with us to my grandparents' house in Eastern NC. I didn't talk to him until a few months ago, and never intend to do so again.
Stepdad- When I was 6, my mom re-married. I call this man dad. He beat the crap out of me on a daily basis until I moved out. He never hit my sister or my brothers (his sons). Only me. I believe this is why I have self-esteem issues. I was the smart one and I never got in trouble, but I was always getting smacked around while the other kids were being treated fine. They would get to eat ice cream for dessert and I would never get any because I had to wash the dishes. My sister eventually learned that if she would distract my dad, he would stop hitting me. She'd go off into our shared bedroom and throw stuff around and make noise while he was hitting me and he'd run off to see what was going on, and I'd go outside with my backpack full of books and hide until my mother got home. See... my mom never knew what was happening until I was 16 years old. He broke my hand, and that couldn't be hidden from her. I called my grandparents and told my grandmother the whole story. My grandfather showed up 20 minutes later and took me away and told my dad that if he ever so much as touched me to hug me again, he'd kill him.
I lived with my grandparents for awhile, and then went to college. I came home to my parents' house at Christmas, and my dad ended up throwing a coffee cup at my head. He missed, but I left and didn't come back until summer. Things were ok for a few weeks, but my dad started up again. I didn't come back for 2 years this time... I would visit my mother at work or away from the house. She started divorce proceedings on him because I told her it was him or me. My mother was miserable without him... aside from how he treated me, he is and was a very good guy and did everything else right. I relented and agreed to be a part of the family if my dad would go to counseling with me so we could figure out why he did this.
Counseling helped. A lot. Turns out my dad had a daughter that died of SIDS around the same time I was born and he had issues with me because of that. Or something. I don't really understand how he was angry with me over that, but he was and after a year of counseling sessions, we got along wonderfully. He can tell me he loves me now, and I was finally able to say it back last year. I don't exactly trust him yet, but I recognize that he made a lot of mistakes and has put a lot of effort into trying to fix them and move on. It's taken work on my part too. I had to learn to stop pushing his buttons on purpose.
Boyfriends- Doug(name changed) dumped me and moved out the next day leaving me to figure out how to pay the rent on our apartment. He then proceeded to bring stalking to a whole new level, requiring over 20 visits to court before he finally left me alone. The restraining orders became so restrictive that in order to see me, he would actually sue me for something so he could see me in court. When he wasn't allowed to do that anymore, he would sue other people and have me subpoenaed as a witness so he could see me in court. He got away with a lot because his father was the mayor of the large town we lived in. Finally, his parents figured out that he had a problem and got him the help he needed. He leaves me alone now in part because his parents keep an eye on him and in part because I changed my last name and moved away.
Barry- I had a wonderful relationship with Barry for 7 months. And then one day he looked at me and told me he was leaving to move back to Alabama with his wife and 2 children. I never knew the wife and children existed.
Chris B.- On again/off again for over a year. I felt way more for him than he did for me, but he never told me as much. He came all the way to visit me on his two weeks leave from Iraq a couple of months ago and slept with one of my roommates. Two years of trust built up, down the drain.
John- I loved John for as long as I can remember. He finally decided he loved me too. Then... bad stuff happened that I still can't talk about with any coherency. Next.
Jason- Jason was great until OOPS! I got pregnant. Jason was no longer so great. He ran away and told me that if i had the baby, I would never find him and he'd never be there. I didn't plan on having the baby, and at least he was honest about his feelings, but yep. Fuck Jason.
Boone- Boone's the real winner. He was PERFECT for the first two months. Perfect enough that when he offered me a way out of my crappy life in NC, I took it and went to Arizona with him. He proceeded to beat the shit out of me for 4 months. I left and now I'm in Boston.
I was raped when I was 20 years old. Two guys pulled up in a white mustang and forced me into the car at gunpoint. They drove around the back roads of Pitt County for an hour and a half while the one in the back seat scraped me from neck to my feet with a dull knife for awhile and then raped me. The only thing I can really say about this is that I wasn't quiet about it afterwards. I went to bed and then woke up in the morning angry. I went to the police, let them do their horrible forensic testing and spent a lot of time speaking to other rape victims as a victim's advocate. The guys got caught a few months later and the one who drove won't be eligible for parole for about 20 more years. The one who actually raped me won't be for 45 more. The trial was as bad as the crime itself, and I will never, EVER hire any lawyer who has ever defended a rape suspect. I don't care if they were actually innocent or not. I'm never going there.
And so it goes. I have a past. A long one. A hard one. I've learned that the only reliable person it myself. And now, here I am, 25 years old and finally faced with someone who is taking an active role in trying to prove that he deserves my trust. He is gentle with me and hugs me when I need it, but he also leaves me alone when I need that. It's hard for me to let him take care of me because what happens if I forget how to take care of myself? What if I trust him and he breaks that bond and I end up hurt AGAIN? Oh, sure... I'll get over the hurt. I always have before, but I've also always fought the future pain by not letting myself fall hard enough that I won't be able to get back up. Is it ok to fall in love? I don't know anymore, so I just don't. I can love... but love and in love are two different demons.
When do I know if it is ok to jump?
Biological Father- molestation when I was an infant. A fucking months old baby just lying there. I was, clearly, far too young to remember any of it, so I don't think I have any psychological things coming from that, but the fact that I know he did it is enough. My mom caught him when I was three and she left him immediately, bringing my then 1 year old sister with us to my grandparents' house in Eastern NC. I didn't talk to him until a few months ago, and never intend to do so again.
Stepdad- When I was 6, my mom re-married. I call this man dad. He beat the crap out of me on a daily basis until I moved out. He never hit my sister or my brothers (his sons). Only me. I believe this is why I have self-esteem issues. I was the smart one and I never got in trouble, but I was always getting smacked around while the other kids were being treated fine. They would get to eat ice cream for dessert and I would never get any because I had to wash the dishes. My sister eventually learned that if she would distract my dad, he would stop hitting me. She'd go off into our shared bedroom and throw stuff around and make noise while he was hitting me and he'd run off to see what was going on, and I'd go outside with my backpack full of books and hide until my mother got home. See... my mom never knew what was happening until I was 16 years old. He broke my hand, and that couldn't be hidden from her. I called my grandparents and told my grandmother the whole story. My grandfather showed up 20 minutes later and took me away and told my dad that if he ever so much as touched me to hug me again, he'd kill him.
I lived with my grandparents for awhile, and then went to college. I came home to my parents' house at Christmas, and my dad ended up throwing a coffee cup at my head. He missed, but I left and didn't come back until summer. Things were ok for a few weeks, but my dad started up again. I didn't come back for 2 years this time... I would visit my mother at work or away from the house. She started divorce proceedings on him because I told her it was him or me. My mother was miserable without him... aside from how he treated me, he is and was a very good guy and did everything else right. I relented and agreed to be a part of the family if my dad would go to counseling with me so we could figure out why he did this.
Counseling helped. A lot. Turns out my dad had a daughter that died of SIDS around the same time I was born and he had issues with me because of that. Or something. I don't really understand how he was angry with me over that, but he was and after a year of counseling sessions, we got along wonderfully. He can tell me he loves me now, and I was finally able to say it back last year. I don't exactly trust him yet, but I recognize that he made a lot of mistakes and has put a lot of effort into trying to fix them and move on. It's taken work on my part too. I had to learn to stop pushing his buttons on purpose.
Boyfriends- Doug(name changed) dumped me and moved out the next day leaving me to figure out how to pay the rent on our apartment. He then proceeded to bring stalking to a whole new level, requiring over 20 visits to court before he finally left me alone. The restraining orders became so restrictive that in order to see me, he would actually sue me for something so he could see me in court. When he wasn't allowed to do that anymore, he would sue other people and have me subpoenaed as a witness so he could see me in court. He got away with a lot because his father was the mayor of the large town we lived in. Finally, his parents figured out that he had a problem and got him the help he needed. He leaves me alone now in part because his parents keep an eye on him and in part because I changed my last name and moved away.
Barry- I had a wonderful relationship with Barry for 7 months. And then one day he looked at me and told me he was leaving to move back to Alabama with his wife and 2 children. I never knew the wife and children existed.
Chris B.- On again/off again for over a year. I felt way more for him than he did for me, but he never told me as much. He came all the way to visit me on his two weeks leave from Iraq a couple of months ago and slept with one of my roommates. Two years of trust built up, down the drain.
John- I loved John for as long as I can remember. He finally decided he loved me too. Then... bad stuff happened that I still can't talk about with any coherency. Next.
Jason- Jason was great until OOPS! I got pregnant. Jason was no longer so great. He ran away and told me that if i had the baby, I would never find him and he'd never be there. I didn't plan on having the baby, and at least he was honest about his feelings, but yep. Fuck Jason.
Boone- Boone's the real winner. He was PERFECT for the first two months. Perfect enough that when he offered me a way out of my crappy life in NC, I took it and went to Arizona with him. He proceeded to beat the shit out of me for 4 months. I left and now I'm in Boston.
I was raped when I was 20 years old. Two guys pulled up in a white mustang and forced me into the car at gunpoint. They drove around the back roads of Pitt County for an hour and a half while the one in the back seat scraped me from neck to my feet with a dull knife for awhile and then raped me. The only thing I can really say about this is that I wasn't quiet about it afterwards. I went to bed and then woke up in the morning angry. I went to the police, let them do their horrible forensic testing and spent a lot of time speaking to other rape victims as a victim's advocate. The guys got caught a few months later and the one who drove won't be eligible for parole for about 20 more years. The one who actually raped me won't be for 45 more. The trial was as bad as the crime itself, and I will never, EVER hire any lawyer who has ever defended a rape suspect. I don't care if they were actually innocent or not. I'm never going there.
And so it goes. I have a past. A long one. A hard one. I've learned that the only reliable person it myself. And now, here I am, 25 years old and finally faced with someone who is taking an active role in trying to prove that he deserves my trust. He is gentle with me and hugs me when I need it, but he also leaves me alone when I need that. It's hard for me to let him take care of me because what happens if I forget how to take care of myself? What if I trust him and he breaks that bond and I end up hurt AGAIN? Oh, sure... I'll get over the hurt. I always have before, but I've also always fought the future pain by not letting myself fall hard enough that I won't be able to get back up. Is it ok to fall in love? I don't know anymore, so I just don't. I can love... but love and in love are two different demons.
When do I know if it is ok to jump?