To start off, I figure that no one I personally know reads this anymore, or at least the likelihood of it being read frequently enough that this will be read is low. It's not that I dread anyone reading this -- and I sincerely mean that -- but it almost allows me to feel more willing to type something up with a meaning. If I am recalling correctly, almost nothing I've put in this journal has had much meaning to it.
Well, here we go. Tonight I haven't slept yet. I've got this tendency to start thinking about everything at night -- perhaps reading at night would cure this, though if it wouldn't I'd just be staying up even later, so I'm slow to embrace that theory. I was listening to some songs on CMT while working out earlier. I started thinking about how I could associate them with so many things in my life. I thought more on it and realized that none of the things that came to mind when I heard those songs dealt solely with the present: they all were either directly referenced to past events or rely greatly on how the past has effected the present (the present being the less focal aspect). So it all got me thinking that I reminisce too much.
What makes us reminisce? Well, none of us would if things hadn't changed. Now, the advantage of change is that we can look back and assess everything we couldn't have possibly understood at the time. The frustration comes when one is unable to do so -- when looking back still doesn't make any sense.
Rather than make this about how events have passed to cause change in my environment or my fellow homosapians, I'm going to move on to how I think I might have changed, events excluded.
I'm going to go ahead and try to hit the biggest bird with the biggest stone right off the bat -- I have full faith that if I still want to, that I can ramble on about the smaller things later. The biggest change in me is in how I judge based on my observations. As this year has progressed (I say year as a poor frame of reference considering it is only a quarter through, please excuse it) I have come to base my actions off raw observation far less. I think things through more. I can't say I've ever been horribly spontaneous, however, I can say that I never used to reassess the happenings in my life as much. I find myself weighing all the possibilities, seeing more possibilities than I once did. In doing so I inevitably find ones that are less than appealing. Unfortunatly they have been easier to rationalize than the more optimistic possibilities. I act after processing the observation and comparing it to other things.
I do not consider myself a pessimist, and it is my hope that others do not either. I hope for things like optimists, except that I approach these hopes realistically -- I'm a realist. Being a realist does not mean that I always see things as they are (not to make it sound like I'm delusional), however. All is in the eye of the beholder, I simply don't dread the worst nor expect the impossible. Shooting for the middle isn't always a recipe for happiness.
That aside, I'm becoming increasingly questioning. Motives and reprocussions are under intensified scrutiny and conclusions are subsequently more vindictive. I don't like to say that I'm vindictive because of the negative conotation, but it's true. I find myself saying "Too bad, you got what you deserved. You shouldn't have done it. Fix it yourself." The sad part is that it's primarily to the people I know. These are the people I should help out or talk to, lend some aid. But I don't. Instead I would sooner lend some compassion to someone I know less about. It's odd. I see a friend doing something dumb and I don't want to help. Well, I do want to help, but it's like sometimes I want them to figure out just how dumb it is for themselves through the result. I don't know why, it's not that I'm too lazy to help. I'd really love to help out or just let someone know what I think (no, this is not a sob story), but it's not something I do. So much for "Love thy neighbor," huh? Happy Easter.
I've found the number of people I associate myself with declining and those I do willingly even further declined. I wonder if I at one point took a too idealistic approach. I feel that now is a good time to warn you if you're a fellow /.er that if you're reading this, it probably won't make much sense to you and this will sound more like some needy, attention-craving entry that belongs in a LJ. Just thought you should know that's not what this is and I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier.
Getting back into it: my patience is on the decline and my judgementative nature is rising. I think I might as well fix that. It is unlikely to change my relationships with the people I already know in a way that everything will become hunky-dory, but it is the right thing to do. I need to cut people some slack. Maybe I need to even interact when I do see something I don't like that doesn't involve me. I'm not sure about that. Perhaps I'll just try and be selective about doing so, but maybe lighten up a bit on that.
Everything changes, and I'm going to change. Not to meet the changes made elsewhere, but to make my own that they might make for a better existance. There's little I'm willing to directly attempt to fix outside, but I'll see to it that I don't make anything I need to fix later in the meantime.
If you read this I hope that it was worth your time. It was long and it was unstructured. I do not believe that I got to what I wanted to, but I did say something and it probably needed to be said. If you had any thoughts you wanted to share the comments are enabled and thanks in advance. Happy Easter to you.