Well some good news. The girl who I gave my number to and figured was never going to call, actually did call. I figured there was no chance. But that leaves me w/ a problem. I'll update it when I have time. More at 11.

Today wasn't one of those good days. Sure it started out that way. Sun was shining, it was 65 degrees, went to the gym after work, saw sunshine, etc. But then it went in the shitter. I'm not actually sure at exactly what point it went in the shitter just that it went in the shitter.

It had to have been sometime at work. Work was good in the beginning. Then we had a wee fight to break up and some kids acting crazy. Oh well. Then I was just in a blah mood and didn't follow up on dinner plans w/ my mom and sister. I went over to my mom's house and met them, but decided that dinner wasn't a good idea. In hindsight I should have went I think. But it was just one of those moods.

On the bright side at my mom's I read my horoscope and realized that I'm gonna be having some sex by the end of the week. Woo hoo! Yay for horoscopes!

Then my dad called me fucking screaming about something that wasn't my fault. What in the fuck. Like the bank fucking up is my fault somehow. Ermm, ok?

Gee that was a lot of fuck's for one JE for me. Normally I keep the journal pretty clean, not like my everyday language. I normally curse like a sailor. Or a pirate, heh. Then I forgot to throw in my laundry when I stopped at home so now I can't go to bed until that's done. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be on the phone for about 3 hours anyways. Where oh where does the time go?

Speaking of such things, everyone has been trying to give me advice. I don't want their friggin advice! I can fuck up my life enough by myself, I don't need any help! I want to be responsible for fucking up my life, I don't need someone to blame it on down the road!

Man I feel good after working out. It's so nice to be back in the gym on a regular basis. I should have never stopped in the first place. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Not that anyone ever accused me of being intelligent. Well that's about it for now, so many more thoughts, but such little time. Later.

Here's a surprise, this weekend will be dominated by sports. Go figure. With two hockey games to go to tomorrow and then the super bowl on sunday, it's gonna be kick ass.

On to other news. It's amazing how doing nice things for other people makes you feel so much better about life. You can't be happy alone. You need people to share happiness with.

I had a helluva basketball game today. 1 point game that came down to the last minute. After the game both coaches thanked us and told us we did a great job. There is no better feeling in the world then when a coach who loses a close game like that, takes time to tell you that you did a great job and stuff. He was a real class act. If all coaches were like that, my job would be so much easier.

Well time for bed, no deep thoughts for tonight, I need sleep.

I just noticed that my last JE was number 60,001 on slashdot. That's cool. And my entry from last night from around the same time at night was number 59,840 or so. So from that we can figure that /. see's about 170 JE's a day. Not too bad at all.

Well I made some progress today. I had two games at my old high school which was cool. I got pissed at some of the fans though, oh well.

After that I headed over to a different school. I met "the girl" there. Speaking of that I need to figure out something good to call her. I'm sure I'll think of something. Anyways, we meet at a school where this girl (different girl) "happens" to be. She's on the basketball team there. And this girl is cute and we've talked a few times before.

So I decide I should ask her for her phone number. And I tell "the girl" about it. And she wants to go with me. Go figure. We have the most fucked up relationship ever. That is besides the point though.

So I run into the other girl after the game and start talking to her. I asked her for her number and told her I wanted to hang out with her and she asked if i was serious (not in a "there's no fucking way thats gonna ever happen" more that she was just surprised). WTF?!? IF I WASN'T SERIOUS I WOULDN'T ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE! Girls are dumb.

Then she asked how old I was again and what school I went to. Then her dad walks up. Worst timing ever! And she introduced us, and tells him, "he's 19 and goes to [name of my school here] and wants to hang out, what do you think about that?"

Needless to say he didn't seem too thrilled. So after he walked off she told me it would prolly be a better idea if she got my number. So I gave it to her and that was that.

Then comes the good part. Girl #1, we'll call her, Girl I Have Feelings For (GIHFF), is on the phone with one of my friends. And she starts telling me how proud of me she is. Problem is that she's friggin screaming it. Oh well. Let's just hope that basketball chick didn't hear her. What to do, what to do?

So that was my excitment for the night. I'll keep you updated. At this point it's 10 to 1 she doesn't call. If you want any action on it let me know and I'll hook you up with my bookie.

If the weather was like this 300 days out of the year I would never ever think about leaving here. It was 65 and just gorgeous.

So today all I really did was go to work and hit the gym for the first time in two months. Why go today? I had some added motivation. Someone wanted to start running and working out so I figure'd hell I may as well get back to the gym too. Now if I could just get my arms to cross my body. Oh well.

At least my legs are good. No lifting with the legs until the season is over. Plus I have two games tomorrow, two thursday plus working out and possibly two more, and then one on friday. So I need my legs to be ok.

Then tomorrow could be a big day. I'll keep you posted. It's about time I get this phone number. The matter of using it once I have it is totally different. We shall see. I'm just too damn stubborn. I never want to change.

I have been so happy since about the beginning of summer, it has been awesome. Being happy is the best feeling ever. I've done the depression thing and it sucks. Fuck it. It's one of those things where you realize that you just don't want to be depressed anymore and that you have to start making decisions that will make you happy. At least that's how I got over it. Just get up one day and realize it's time to move on with your life. And that's the free psych advice for the day. Tomorrow's topic: How to have sex with a good looking girl who you've fallen for and can't seem to get up. Heh, I've fallen and can't get up, I like it. And but can't get up I dont mean I need viagra, that part of the ole anatomy is working fine thank you very much.

I would really like to have some entries coming up on things I've been thinking about. Possibly jealousy, different mentalities in different situations, confidence, people skills, and my job. There is just so much I could write about. So I'll try to stick with whatever is on the top of my mind. That seems to work best. And whenever something is on the top of my mind it seems there is always a girl involved. Oh well.

Well I think I can possibly get 8 hours tonight, it's a miracle, I'm gonna go work on that.

Well I just finished through reading all of my journal entries and it was interesting. I started ten months ago and only went at it for 3 months or so. So much has happened since then I don't know where to start. But as they say the best place to start is the beginning.

When we had spoken last I had just taken a girl who I liked to her prom, was living alone, and was generally a lot unhappier then I am now. So how did we get from there to here you ask? Hell if I know but what a ride.

So we get to the end of last may (god that was so long ago). School was over, friends were back in town, and June first I had a new roommate. The new roommate was one of my best friends from high school. He goes to school in south dakota so it was just a summer thing then when he moved out his sister would move in for the school year. So now I'm living with her. As far as living with him went it was hard but not as bad as the last two clowns. He is just a lot more social then I am (gee what a surprise). However she is great. No social life to speak of, is at her parents' every night, and basically just sleeps her Sunday - Thursday. I couldn't ask for a better person to live with.

The whole summer was busy as all hell. I managed to ref over 100 basketball games in the month of june, while working 40 hours a week. So busy and exhuasting. So basketball. When I put on the stripes and step out on the court I feel like king of the world. It doesn't help that I'm damn good at it and I know it, and people keep telling me it. Oh well. That is something I want to pursue and make gains in for as long as I can as long as I'm still having fun. And damn is it fun.

Another thing I've really been enjoying is work. I have the best job in the world. And I love the kids, it's great. During basketball I feel bad though because I'm not there everyday and I feel like I'm letting them down. But that's part of life, you have to make sacrafices.

Life is so damn confusing. In the past I would write about what was confusing me the most or what was frustrating me the most. And making no checks for spelling or typing. I think I'll keep that up. That's what I feel helps me the most so that's what I'll do. And what could be confusing me the most right now? I'll give you a hint, they all have a vagina. Yeah, it's women, there's a surprise. I think we'll go with a past, present, future outline here for interested parties.

So the past. Well there was a girl. My relationship with her was partially documented here but it wasn't the whole story. Or rather it lacks an ending. So what happened you ask? Did we fall madly in love and run off to vegas to get married? Did we go at it like monkeys the night before she left town? Did we have a horrible fight? The correct answer is D) None of the above. That movie kicks ass by the way. Actually it's call Brewster's Millions not None of the above, oops. Anyways. Basically we hung out a lot until she left but we were careful not to get too close. It was kind of unsaid between us that we would enjoy each other while she was here but not do anything that would make her leaving that much more difficult. So that's what we did. After she's left we've talked like 4 times I think. If that. Which I think is for the better. She's off at college and there's no sense pursuing something from that far away. And the more you talk to someone the closer you feel I think so that makes it more difficult too.

Now we are on the the present. This is where things get interesting. So almost to the day that the old girl leaves, I see someone who I had met previously but never really hung out with. Our parent's are friends though. As chance would have it we both had a commitment that put us in the same place at the same time for a lot of time during the summer. And we got along so natrually we started hanging out outside of that. She was in the tail end of a bad relationship at this point and I had a one track mind focused on something else. Since then we've became great friends. However there's a catch.

When is there not a friggin catch? See I accidently started having feelings for her. That was after she broke up with her boyfriend. Then they got back together and the feelings subsided or faded into the back of my mind. Then they broke up for good and guess what pops up again? (No not that) Yeah feelings for her. Shit. She is a great girl. We have so much in common and at the same time are so different that we just get along great. It's funny to think that we can be so much the same but at the same time so different.

The catch is that she, A) Doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. B) Would never date a ref, her dad's a ref so she has a unique perspective, and C) She doesn't have the same feelings for me. I wish that was multiple choice, however all of the above are true. So it's not the best situation. However I do enjoy spending time with her and just being friends so all is not lost. And I've learned a lot through all of this especially about myself, so that's good. Oh and I finally got up the nerve to kiss her last week and that went well. So now I'm on my way to having my very own pair of balls huh? Yay for me!

So for a lil synopsis of our relationship:
We get along great as friends
We talk and hang out all the time
My friends favorite line is that, "We have a relationship with none of the benefits"
I enjoy spending time with her regardless of us ever being together
My feelings for this girl are a lot stronger then I felt for the last one, which I'm sure has to do something with the sheer amount of time we've spent together.

So on to the future, which is of course entrenched with the present. So the current girl keeps telling me that she feels like she's wasting my time and that I could be out with a girl who I deserve when I'm spending time with her instead. Oh boy. That makes me feel so horrible. I want nothing more than for this girl to be happy. Well that's not true. I want her to be happy and be with me but failing that I want her to be happy and our relationship can stay just as it is now. So she keeps telling me I need to go out and meet people so I can get over her. Yeah, that's a good one, me be social? Hah! Although I've realized that I do want to be with someone. Well maybe that's not true. Maybe I just would like some of the benefits that my relationship with her is missing. So she may be right. Maybe I do need to go out and meet someone.

Of course there already is someone who I know is interested, and she's good looking to boot. But she's kind of young. I gave my old roommate so much shit for dating a girl in high school I don't know if I could do it. At least I know that I should make the effort. Because the only way I'm going to get over my feelings now is to redirect them to someone or something else. I think. It's not something I can really predict though. I've told this girl a million times, if I could flip a switch and not have these feelings and it would make both of our lives so much easier I would do it in a heart beat. But it's not that simple.

I happen to know where this girl who likes me is going to be one night this week so I think I'm going to show up over there and get her phone number and tell her we're going to dinner sometime. I'll let you know how that goes, hopefully it will go well. Of course there are seperate issues with this girl too besides her still being in high school. There's a very obvious conflict of interest but oh well. We shall see.

Man everything is confusing. Is life supposed to be this hard? Actually when I sit back and look at it I realize how lucky I am, so I shouldn't bitch. But I'm so concerned about my future. I have no idea what I want to do. I feel like I'm wasting my time at school but how can I explain that to people? I'm growing up and I just don't know how I feel about it. Except confused. Man this is almost as bad as puberty. Oh well.

This turned really long but hopefully it will motivate me to keep it updated. That's all I have for now. I know there are still loose ends but I can tie those up as I realize them. For now I'm out. Later.

My last post was something to the regard of me either being too busy too post or nothing was going on so I had nothing to post about.

Lately it's been the former. So much stuff has been going on it's crazy. So what I'm going to do is read all the past entries and post a big update wrapping all of that stuff up and then start getting into my life as it stand currently. Hopefully I'll do this by mid week. I hope everyone is doing well, updates coming soon I promise.

I've noticied that when I go a while without writing in the journal it's either because I've been too busy to make time or I've been so not busy there's nothing to write about. I can't seem to remember which is the case here so we'll go with the latter.

Well let's see what's happened. My two best friends from high school are back in town and that kicks ass.

I've also been wrestling with php and trying to get it to play nice. It doesn't like to play too nice though. Oh well, I finally have it working. No grand thoughts for now but I'll have some later. See ya.

These last few days I've been busy as hell. I was house sitting the crazy psychotic dog which was fun. And school is winding down so all my friends are getting back in town.

I've even tried to be social the last couple of days. Still debating on how thats working out. Anyways don't have much else for right now. See ya later.

So today is the big day. A year older. Big excitement with this one too. So glad I'm finally here and have all the exciting benefits that come with being.................19. Oh wait. Thats exactly nothing. Just a year older. Shit. Creeping close to retirement I guess though. Although first I need a career to retire from.

Well thats enough about that. It's also mother's day so everyone tell your mom how much you love her. You should be doing that every day though.

Oh I also reached another large life milestone today, my Karma reached Excellent and is now capped as such. Too bad I still can't metamod for some reason. Should prolly e-mail someone about that little bug. Well it's bed time for me. Later.

Free karma for anyone who can tell me the name of that song and who it's by. It's really easy, I promise. Anyways it's friday night, I'm broke as fuck, bored as hell, and need something to do. I have a strange urge to take a drive up the mountain but I have no gas. Maybe I'll go anyways. Had an interview today for a tech support position. It was interesting.

What else? I finally got php and mysql behaving except for one little bug. Oh well, I'll get it worked out sooner or later. I hope. Well thats about it for now. Later.

I made an aliteration, my fourth grade teacher would be so proud. Anyways on to my random ramblings.

Old roommate stopped by tonight. Last time he came by I was less then happy with him as it was 1 in the morning and he was with two other friends and they woke me up and were acting like assholes. It was cool tonight though. Played some baseball and just shot the shit. And no trying to kill each other. We're making progress here.

mysql is a bitch, but one i think i have finally working correctly. Well more exactly php was being a bitch but it turned out to be a mysql issue, go figure. But now watch out, I am soon to be king of the world.

Speaking of which I have an interview on friday with a local isp. That should be fun. Tech support, what a joy. Only time will tell how much fun that job could possibly be. But hey I could use another job to do part time and earn some cash. Hopefully it will go well.

Well thats about it for now, see ya later.

PS- Gee is that a frantic pace or what? Wonder if it reads like it typed.

So here we sit at tuesday. I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished thus far this week and don't see that changing today. Oh well. It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact I have a few things that need to get done. Oh well such is life. I'll get off my ass and do them tomorrow.

My birthday is coming up and I've been giving a lot of thought to getting older. Sure I'm only 19 but I have a mortgage and a car payment. Seems strange to think that in 5 years I'll have to have a real job and that mess. Really strange when you think about it. I mean what else do I have to look forward to in life? Graduating college, getting a real job and getting married / raising a family? Guess John Mellencamp was right, Life goes on, Long after the thrill of living is gone. Of the 3 milestones left in my life I'd have to say marrige excites me the most. Spending the rest of your life with someone you love and raising a family with them has to be the greatest thing ever. So maybe it's not all bad after this. We'll just have to wait and see. I have some more thoughts on marrige and getting married young and what not but they'll have to wait for another time.

I'm sure to everyone over the age of 19 it sounds really young, but from here it sounds old, and responsible. Hell if I know. But then I look at at people over 19 that I know and you can throw out responsible. Age is irrelevent, what's important is what you want to do with your life. Anyways, enough rambling from me, I have to get to work. Later.

Sunday afternoon's are the laziest few hours in the world. Who ever does anything on a Sunday afternoon? It's great. Anyways I suppose I can get into my weekend a little.

Friday night was a lot of fun. I used to attend the local 2600 meetings a few years back but they gradually disbanded. I heard there was a movement to start them back up so natrually I went to check it out. Saw some old friends and some people I knew from other stuff and made some new friends. The group of guys who started these meetings seem very organized and structured. Which is the polar opposite of our last group so it will be interesting to see how it goes.

Then on to saturday. Saturday during the day was kind of boring, just anxious excitement and the Derby. At least the Derby was a good race. A few months ago I liked Empire Maker coming in but since it appeared everyone else did as well I started leaning towards another horse. It however was not Funny Cide, but nothing was lost as I didn't feel like making a bet.

Then on to Saturday night. I had the honor of taking a girl who I really really like to her senior prom. We went to dinner w/ another girl we work with and her date and then onto the prom. THe prom was a lot of fun even though I'm not much for dancing. It was still cool to see a bunch of people I went to school with last year and get out and see the people. I've been quite hermit like lately. Oh well. But yeah prom went really well and it was a blast. Wish I could say the same for the other girl we went with and her date, but oh well. For the record I wouldn't reccomend blind date situations for a prom. Go w/ someone you know or a group of friends, you'll have a lot of fun.

Well thats about all I have for right now. Need to get some sleep and watch sportscenter. See you later.