Today was the first day I ever woke up crying. I mean, really I'm so depressed, that its like the whole world is collapsing around me. She's moving her furniture out today, and that in itself is super depressing. She's having people help move her that I dont approve of. Of course, i no longer have a say in that. I miss her so much. I'm not going to be able to fix this one. She's going to take me to the cleaners, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm going to have to box up all our pictures. I have to be friends with her for the kids sake. I wish i could hate her. That would help me get over her. But I cant. I have more important things to worry about. I have jessica. I miss her so much

Donna, I miss you.

I dont really know what to call it. I want to break down. I want to cry. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I've dont a harm to Donna. What I've really done is fight fire with fire. Actually, i've fought fire with a thermonuclear explosion. I've done this, all in free will. In thought that what I am doing is for the best. But why am I feeling like this, if its for the best. Its like I still cant accept the fact that our relationship is over. That she dosent want me. That she is trying to take my daughter away from me. I have to. Its incredible easy to justify. Even in my head. But I so dont want to be here right now. Its killing me. This entire time, I've done nothing but try to save this relationship, but in one flail swoop, I'm ending it.

Its been over for a long time. She hasnt loved me for too long. But why do i have hope. Why do i think that somehow, i can change, or maybe something is in her, that will save us. I guess thats the romantic in me. I just know that what I am doing, hurts me so many times more than it could ever hurt Donna. Of course I'm just talking about the divorce. Custody is another matter.

She's keeping my kid away from me. She's trying to make me look like a bad father. Like I dont have a interest in my child. Nothing is farther from the truth. she's done a whold bunch of dispicable things when it came to our daughter. She's plain and simply kept her from me, when all's i ever wanted is to be a good father. It wont matter soon. She has the audaticy to think that she's going to get custody, and if there's fight, I guess there's a possibility that she will. But I think its going ot be messier than that. Alls' i can do is know that I put up the good fight.

in all seriousness i did put up the good fight, I tried to do what was the best for donna and I, and the baby. Us being a family unit. That is the best thing for everyone. Why cant donna see that. Probadly since she's been from a broken family unit. She dosent see anything wrong with that. And she's trying to doom her own daughter to that. All's I've ever wanted to do is save our relationship. Now who has the best interest in our daughter.

you know, it really hurts to think that Donna thinks that I would do so many things wrong as a father. I will do baths right, I will do feedings right. Its funny to think that she thinks that I'm such a idiot. She must think I'm a complete moron. the fact that she is trying to take my daughter away from me, seriously hurts. Even if i have visitation, I would never do that to her. I'm going to tell Donna that she can see the baby whenever she wants.

I'm really curious to see if Donna's actually filing for divorce, or just custody. I bet its going to be a shocker that I'm filing for both. I kinda hope it is. I hope its a big enough slap. No one should be able to tell me when I get to see my daughter.

Ok, I really dont want to hurt Donna. I love her very much, and probadly always will. Her filing for custody, while giving me a shred of hope at the exact same time, that hurts. Its going to be very hard for me to get rid of those feelings. I know that after she gets the papers, she's not going to hide anything anymore. You know what though. I can say, that during our marriage, I've always been faithful to her. I have not sinned sexually when it came to donna. I hope on judgement day, Donna will be able to tell God that. Cause thats a sin that wont be overlooked.

then again, divorce probadly isnt either. I just hope heavenly father understands what I've had to go thorugh. This isnt my choice. She has forced me to act. Her actions forced me to do this. I so want to blame her for this. Then why do I feel guilty? Probadly just the knowledge that I know that this process is wrong. I feel so sorry for my daughter. she dosent deserve this.

I dont know, am I a bad guy. I guess the only people who can judge that is me and god. I just hope Donna knows that I'm not doing this to be mean, or hurt her. This is truly in the best interest of my daughter, and our futures together. May the Lord forgive my sins, becuase I have many. May I have the strength to get thorugh another day, to survive another year. May I have the love to bring peace to my world, and I hope I can love enough to make things work.

actually I was going to finish, but a thought popped into my head. What if Donna eventually comes back? Will i be able to take her back. I'm sure some of it will be timing, but probadly not. Not after I move on, not after i start feeling better. I never want to feel like this again. And right now Donna does not have a good track record. I dont know if I could justify in my head putting myself at risk like this again, cause nothing is worth the pain I'm going through right now. As much as I love her, and wish things could work. I dont know if its worth the pain that I'vehad to go through. Someday, she'll be back too. And I'll see her in my rearview mirror. As much as that hurts to say right now, its the truth. Off to bed now. May the lord bless me wiht honesty, integrety, and honor.

About the title. I just thought that maybe someday, like 400 years from now, someone will find this. Maybe, just maybe, it will be intriguing for them. That's what I'd call my journal. The Donna Chronicles. Fitting. Isn't it.

You know, to be truthful, I really don't know what to make of her. I don't know if she's trying, or if she's not. It seems like she is. I mean, look at the facts. No bias. She went to counciling this week, we made a appointment for next week. She's going. She even went to my sisters on superbowl Sunday. Buuut. Well she wasn't around me since Thursday. Well, until today, Sunday. So it was like she hasn't even been around me. But you know what, I can refute that. We did spend a few hours in the same room on Saturday. We must have said maybe five things.

It's really awkward talking to Donna. We really have nothing to say, and I don't tell her anything for fear of her. Yes, she scares me. To death. I'm so afraid that I'm going to say something to set her off. That I'm going to just make her mad. She gets so angry at everything. That is probably her core problem. She has problems with anger. She can't let things go. She can't not be angry at certain things. I think it probably tears her up inside. Maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with it. It's just unfortunate that I get the end of it that is worse. I guess I'm a easy punching bad.

Soon. Decisions will have to be made soon. I don't know how much longer I can last. Living in a loveless marriage. It tears me up not being the man that I want to be around her. Why does she get what she wants in the relationship, mainly me doing what she wants, i.e., moving to the other room, living as roommates, backing off...etc. It's not fair. Well life's not fair. If it was, Donna would love me, unconditionally. Like I love her. It's hard. Like I said, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I don't want to get to that point, where I say, that she has to choose. I think I know what she'll choose. She still doesn't like me very much.

I'm beyond the point of emotion on this. I've been so emotionally tormented on this, that Its almost like I'm numb. Well, as numb as I could be. I still feel a lot for her. But instead of me crying, I get emotions such as anger, jealousy, and paranoia. Its like I'm not allowed in her life anymore, and so I do whatever I can to force myself into her life. I'm so curious of what she's doing. What she's doing in her life. We're really almost to the point of strangers. I miss her. I really do. I yearn for her. I pray daily that we can resolve this. I have to be a part of her life. I need to be her life, as she is mine. I wish that she could dedicate herself to me. I think the day she does that, not only will be the first time, but will be the day that I know our marriage will work.

I just really want this to work. Can anyone blame me? Who want to go through the shit that I am going through. I just hope it's not for anything. I hope it's not a lost cause. Without her, I used to be nothing. Now, I know that I will be something. But whatever happens with me. Whatever I am destined to become, is because of her. She has willed it. Indirectly at least. So the rest of my life, no matter what happens, I'll have to think that everything that I have become, everything that I have accomplished, is because of her. As much as I hope that all this works out, I know that she will never be out of my life. I just hope that I'm not fighting for a lost cause.

I've been too depressed to even write in my journal. She really hates me. Now in her mind I'm a domestic abuser. I've thought about that alot latley. ok, the story as remembered by me, on december the 23rd.

So i'm haning out with her and her sister, things are shitty. I notice a bag with a credit card slip, and i realize that We only have 1 credit card, and its in my pocket. I ask Donna where she got a credit card, and she says that that its HER credit card. I say which one. The Schools she informed me. You mean, Schools, the one which we just paid off, and is supposed to be canceled? Yup, that one. So I get angry. I tell her how could she be so irresponisible. We're just getting our shit together, and she goes and charges stuff on a credit card thats supposed to be canceled. (ends up it was about 1000 dollars, of misc crap ranging from baby stuff, to clotes for her, from a nice dinner for her family, to getting her brother's ear pierced, to paying off her brothers cell phone). So yea, I was mad. Now Donna is not a temperate person. If you get mad, its alot like throwing gasoline on a campfire, or lighting a fart with her. She just explodes. So she's yelling at me, and I'm yelling at her. I get in her face(which i didnt remember), and after a few times of that she tells me she's leaving. Well, me, feeling all so self rightous, decided that this was the time to make a stand for my daughter. I told her, fine, she can leave, but she cant have my daughter. This was after misc. fighting, yelling. I stand in the way to the door with my arms spread across the hallway. She pushes her way through, and I hold her back by placing my arm around her belly. She pushes hard enough that I dont want to hurt her, and let her through. now this is where the discrepancy happened. She said that I grabbed her arm. Grabbed her arm hard enough to leave a bruise. I Have no recolection of that. I will go into that a little later. She then took the baby, and left, me begging her the whole time to stay, and we'll work it out. I didnt sleep much that night, and the next day she came home, but she came home hating me, and not loving me.

ok, now the discrepancy. I never have hurt anyone in my life out of anger. I'm not a fighter. I'm actually a huge pussycat. Everyone who know's me knows this. I never yelled at donna before that night, or at least not enough to remember. The fact that I hurt her is hard for even me to belive because simply that is not me. I dont hurt people. Now that night, i did have a little to drink. It was a little over 3/4 a bottle of flavored wines. I belive the stuff, is about 6 percent alcohol. Now kids to the math. I'm 230 plus. Thats maybe 14 oz.(average bottle 500ml, 1/2 liter, a liter is about 33 oz, so the whole bottle is 16.5oz.) So really, I drank less alcohol than 2 beers. While I admit that I know the effect of alcohol on judgement, things were rather fervernt that night and i dont see them happeneing any other way. In my head I was making a stand for my daugher. So that night, I hurt Donna. I'm not sure how I did it, becuase I dont remember it the way she does, but I did. And that has affected me. I never wanted to hurt donna. In any way. I love her very deeply, and the fact that I hurt her, hurt me. Made me feel like a truly bad person. Now, in her eyes, I'm a domestic abuser. I assulted her. So now I pay the consequences, of what I dont remember, and she knows. I may lose my wife over that. Forever.

Lifes hard sometimes. I need to suck it up. Thats such shit. Why does life have to be hard? I mean really. Am I that bad of a person to deserve this. The woman I love hates me, and my family is being split apart. Am I such a bad person that I deserve this.

Its not that I'm mad at god. God has actually been extremly helpful int his. He's the only thing keeping me going, well and my daughter. I pray every night. I know the scriptures. He says that the only reason that a marrige should break up is infidelity. So I try. But I'm getting so tired. He's not supposed to put us through anything that we cant handle. but i dont know how much longer I can take this. If I keep praying, mabye he'll let me know. I dont really know. I do know that I hurt bad, and even though I have faith, I cant just let my problems go, and give them to god. I wish I could. Anywho, I better go. Work calls.

Well, today is our 2 year anniversary. I'm not planning anything big. I guess its a good thing that we're at least going to hang out. eat fast food, watch a DVD. The counciling appointment went well. I learned alot. I learned of how angry I really was. Its hard to remember afterwards. More good news, Donna appears to be really truly trying. I mean, we talked, and were both pleasent towards each other. I think that soon, things may finally rebound. Its a good thing I'm a optimist deep down. Its easy to be a optomist when things are better, and easy to be a pessimist when things are bad. But for the first time in a while, things are better. I mean, for a long time, they really seemed downhill. And for the last 2 weeks, it was like they hit bottom and were stagnant. now, its like we're both willing to take the long windey trail uphill. I know I'm willing to do it.

the thing that kills a trip most often, is nto starting it at all. If we start this trip up hill, and continue on it for a little while, I think we will continue out trip. Kinda liek once you get the ball rolling. The problem is, going uphill is like getting the ball rolling uphill. you have to push it. There will be challenges, and trails, and there will be points where we just wanna turn around and go downhill, because its easier, I just hope that both of us decide to keep from taking that path. its like a rope attached to us, and the person downhill is assisted by gravity. But I think things will be better

Last night we even had a conversation. We're going to hang out tonight, and go to the crab feed tommorrow. We're gonna Wash the baby together, becuase thats something I've never done. We're doing things together. I hope us being together really helps things.

I really love my wife. 2 years. 2 years, and we've almost wrecked it. But if we can just hold on, I dont think we'll have another problem as bad as this. I think taht we'll be more experianced and more seasoned at our own relationship. It'll teach her how not to run away, and it will teach me to respect her in the way she deserves to be respected. I know we can make it. She love me. I know that. I just have to remember that all the time and I will be ok. I love her, and I want to show her that with all my heart. I hope she lets me love her again. thats what I really want. Well I should go now, i'm busy at work and cant really get my thoughts together.

well, today we have more counciling. You know, to be perfectly honest we had a couple good days. didnt talk yesterday though, she wasnt home till after 11ish. i didnt even get to see my baby yesterday. so, yea, that put a sour on my 2 good days. Tommorrow is our 2 year anniversary. Something else which will be very uneventful. She dosent want to do anything. I wish she'd talk to me about this. Its so hard sitting in the dark with no reinforcement. In a way, its kinda a little kid thing. I need her to tell me that its going to be ok. But you know what, she has to want this as much as I do. I dont think she does. I think that she is so disenchanted by me, that she dosent want to be with me anymore. Its not that I'm a bad guy. i think I have been a excellent, although imprefect husband. But thats my own self thing. Donna would hold things in. I wouldnt even know if I was a bad husband. Well thats not true, there's the parents thing. Thats a biggie. i dont know. Inexperianced is a better thing to call myself I guess.

I wonder whats going to happen at my counciling apointment. The counciler said that I should make questions for donna. I know that one of the things I'm going to ask simply is, "Do you still want this?" I think thats the most important question. And if she does, I need to ask, "What can we do to make sure this works?" If she dosent want this anymore, then we need to figure out whats goign to happen next. I dont want to get divorced, but I try my hardest to make her happy, and she dosent try at all. I guess thats how I try to resolve our issues. By trying to make her happy. Thats why I always feel like she's not trying, cause she dosent make me happy anymore. Thats all I really want. I just want us to be happy. But if she cant be happy with me, and I cant be happy with her, whats the point. I deserve to be happy. So does she. And if I'm trying my hardest to make her happy, and she's not, that has to be fixed. And if I'm not happy, I need to move on and find someone who can make me happy. Man its hard to say that.

I love Donna. I am truley in love with her. I want to spend every waking moment with her. But I'm not going to feel like this anymoer. And its going to suck. If she wants to be with me, she's going to have to treat me better. I'm not going to get a emotionless woman anymore. If we end up getting split, its goign to be very hard for me. I mean, for me to let go of her. Its goiung to kill me the first time she gets with another man. But thats ok. If it gets to that point, I'll be able to let go. The prospect of being single again....chill...

well, it wont be all that bad. I've never had trouble meeting women. I dont know why. Kinda strange. I'm not that attractive, i'm not that funny, i'm just Dan. I think if we do get split, i'm going to take a long break. at least 6 months to a year....hey thats a long break. maybe I'll learn how to dance, and go to clubs. I dont know. What kinda women want single dads. single moms? ehehe. I dont know. At this point, i just know that I want a girl with no baggage. I dotn want to have to prop up her mental psyche and mine. I've been doign that too long. Hell, i want to be propped up for a while. I dunno, it just seems that the girls with baggage attract to me. I mean, look at all the chics in utah, my ex, donna. Heidi was the only one that had no mental baggage. Sadly, I dont think i've loved another woman as much as i loved her. Maybe I should have that before I get married again...assuming I get divorced.

Please note, that i still hope i wont get divorced. it just seems like it sometimes. I might know tongiht. Well, i'm gonna go.

You know what. Often, when I'm feeling at my worst, I get home and its never as bad as I feel. I wonder what causes that. Its been happening to me a lot latley. I always think things are worse than they are. I don't know. Its easier not to think about it. Its easier to think that. But if I look back, the littlest thing between us, seems to just explode.Right now, we're back to civil. Last night, it was like I'm on the edge. Tonight, its just civil.

I have to remember, that she still dosent want to be with me. She still thinks that I'm a abuser. She still thinks that I'm the epitimy of everything bad that she could have in a man. Why else would she not want to be with me. I mean, she's told me its her. She told me that she's the reason that she feels the way she does. Well before, I really messed up. You know whats funny. All the freaking out that I did, its all gone. I just don't care anymore. I'm so emotionally drained from all the crapola. I want to be with my wife. I want to grow old with her. But I am so close to the end of my rope. I don't know why she's even hangin on. She's the one whom dosent love me anymore. I love her implicitly. Singularily. Totally. I give my life for her. And now, its almost over.

I really don't want to get divorced. Its unfair to get divorced. It just plain sucks. Its not fair to my child. If anything, that's the thing that should make us both hold on. She deserves us to be together to raise her.

Anyways. My wife is writing in her journal right across from me right now. That's right folks, we're in the same room. Dosent that just rock? I wish it did. Instead, its like me trying to talk and her one word answering me. Sigh. Well at least she's not yelling at me. At least she's here. That's important. And ways, for now, I'm going to spend time with my baby, and maybe if she lets me, my wife.

You know, I actually slept fine. I had the normal worries on my mind, the normal things that i would concider important in my brain. But I was able to sleep no problem. Come around 4am. BRrr, i'm cold. I wake up, and it was like those normal concerns inside my head, just exploded. i started freaking out. It was probadly just waking up, and my brain was running on pure emotion, since it was still booting up, but I wasnt doing good. Here's the thing, everything made sense. In my own little diluted world, everything made sense. It was wrong. But for some reason, all the pieces fit together. I'm writing this, so i'm the only one who know's what to get from this.

the only drawback to the way I felt is the fact, that now i'm depressed. normal old whiney crap. Why cant my wife love me....i wish she would just hold me...blah blah blah. I am so sick of feeling like this. Not too much longer now, and I'll know my future, and can build off that. By the end of this quarter the councilor says.

man, I dont want my marrige to end...

Sometimes when all hope is nearly lost, you have it confirmed. But sometimes, when you have already lost practicle hope, hope is restored. I think that probadly describes me today. I learned that my relationship with Donna maybe has a 10 percent chance of lasting. The counciler told me. He also said that I should prepare myself for the distinct possibility of divorce. He then told me to think of questions that I would like to ask Donna at counciling next week. Counciling this week was hard for me. I actually cried, becuase of my denial of the looming cloud of divorce that hangs over me. I told him of how frustrated I am. How hurt I'm feeling. He said that that was completely normal. I dont know. I'm not willing to accept divorce.

its a half hour later. Depression has set in. man, i wanna just cry right now. I dont want to lose my wife. I dont want my child to grow up in a situation of 2 households. Sigh. What I want is irrelevant. I can try my hardest, but in the long run, whats going to happen is still uncertain. Althought there is the potential moreso for a divorce, i can still hope that it wont happen. Really, dreams are all i have. I daydream that I will walk into the house, and she'll come up, wrap her arms around me, and tell me how much she's loves me. I'm really emotional right now. Right now, we're acting civil. Its not prudent for me to act anything else in front of her. With 10 percent, there's very little margin for error. Actually, close to none. Here's the real problem. I'm afraid that I wont know whats a error until its too late. Man, i want to go in there and just hug her. Another error thats a must to avoid. Dont go too far. Actually, dont do anything other than just talk to her normally, almost like we're just aquaintances.

I want to run away, i want to just go away for a few, and cry to myself. Its not jealousy right now, its not anything but the yearning to hold her heart again. I think that i can do so little right now, it just frustrates me more. I dont know why, but i just want to go in there, and hold her. Cry in her arms. I need that so bad. I cant do that though. It will complicate things. With 10 percent thats something I dont need. Complication I need support i think. I only want support from Donna.

The counciler said that he was actually surprised that Donna said 10 percent. I guess we're pretty off bad if even the counciler thought that we had no chance. I have to learn how to go off that 10 percent. Make it grow. Its going to be long and hard. When you have a 90 percent chance of your marrige not working, you realize that its easier just to give up. At least I'm not good at that. Giving up. Right now, i feel like it. I just want this pain to end. I'm sure that she does. But she still cares for me. Obviously. God i hurt. Well i'm going to go for now. I may write later. I may break down and bawl. I dont know right now. I love my wife. I know that. She means the world to me. I wont give her up. I wont. Not if I dont have to....

You know what. She called tonight. She called to tell me that she was watching movies tonight. She must of watched a few. its 11:00. Its hard not to care.

I'm writing in my blog tonight to state, that I had a urge to look through her stuff. And I didnt. I have actually shown self control. I'm not sure why. With her being gone, its very easy to get paranoid. Extreamly easy. But if I can just calm myself down and think about it rationally its dumb. She has the baby. She called me. She dosent lie to me. Well, much. I actually had a conversation with myself. I was like "Daniel. Dont look through her stuff. It will cause more problems and pain no matter what. Dont do it. You will be better off not doing it." So i didnt. Although I still have the urge to go and look through her things, I havent. Really this edition of my webblog is so that I can tell myself that I have officially gotton over the need to look through her stuff.

Think about it. No secrets stay secret forever. If she WAS moonlighting, it would come to be known eventually anyways. Nothing stays secret forever. I truly know that Donna isnt though. Any with me saying that, I just have to wonder why I do want to look through her things. I mean, I miss her. I miss my baby, which i havent even held in 2 days. I guess Its ok to feel a little insecure sometimes, as long as it dosent get out of hand. I belive she's home now, so I will be going. But I just wanted to state that I'm doing better now. Better than I've been in a long time.

i was watching Chasing Amy tonight. darn slashdot poll. Anyways, I thought that one of the speaches was alot like how I feel towards my wife. here it is.

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I can't do this any longer. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot- down. And I'll accept that But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of you and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

oh, I feel like shit now. Terrible. I dont know why really. Its not like i should of expected anything other than this. This hurts though. I'm so emotionally torn that the littlest thing makes me cry. I'm not right. I just want things to be ok. I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife. I want to kiss her. i Want to hold her hand. I want all those things that I cant have. Why cant I have them? What fucking injustice have I dont to anyone. What moral wrong have I committed? Why am i destined to be unhappy when it comes to love. Why is it when i get something, it gets taken away from me? I dont know why I deserve this. ok, enough pissing and moaning. I sound silly.

but really. Tonight, i was putting my clean clothes away, and she asked me why I havent moved my dresser. You know, the dresser thats in my room. Yes, thats right kiddies, its my room too. Just cause i havent been staying in it, dosent mean that its just hers. Why am i so fucked? I told her that I didnt concider the fact that I'm in the other room permanent. She said that as of right now she did. She's not healed yet. That really worries me about donna. her inability to let things go. Will she be able to forgive me? forgive me. Heh. I dont even know what I did sometimes. Ok, i've done some fucked up shit. I've looked through her stuff, read her jornal, etc, etc. I shouldnt have to. I shouldnt have the feelings that I do.

its not that I'm a mistrusting person. Things have just been really bad. When things are at this point, stressful and bad, people do things that are out of character. ITs not like me to do this. i've always been very trusting when it comes to Donna. I love her so much, i just never expected her to hurt me. Of course she did, and if it was my own doing, i'm too ignorant of such a fact. ok, like i've said, i've done dome things. but it was totally after everthing bad had already started. I dont know what I'm writing. I dotn know what i'm trying to accomplish. I really dont know what i'm doing exactly. I guess i'm just getting my feelings out on paper.

I do know i hurt. Raw emotion wise, at least i know I'm not dead. I'm feeling way too much pain to be dead. its not that I want to die, i'm not that kinda person. I'm generally too happy of a person to even concider anything like that. But I am human, and I do wish for this pain to be taken away. I've concidered many things such as leaving my wife. After thinking about these thing, I'm glad that I've always decided against that. I'm too fucking in love with her for that. Why the hell am i so desperatly needing this pain. If she hurts me, at least she's doing something to me. I mean, its not love. But its not nothing. Is nothing better than something? I dont know.

i'm not a angry, or mean spirited person. I dont get angry easy. But i feel like I'm learning to be spiteful. Thats not me. Thats not the type of person I am. But its harder and harder nto to be. I feel like I should be angry, i feel like I should yell and get into it. Bubt with Donna, thats a losing battle. She has so much anger built up inside of her, that if you fight with her, she taps into it and there is no winning. There is no point in getting mad. It accomplishes nothing. So instead of mad, i'll just cry. Feel sorry for myself. There is no winning. Lesser of several evils I guess. Fuck it, i dont know. I dont know fucking anything.

I do know something. A man has his limits. I've never hit mine. Someday. Someday I will.

i'm feeling better now. I just needed to get some frustrations out on the last entry. Doing ok though. now. The last entry is a little forceful, and I dont really feel that way now. just When i'm freaking out. will update later.

my wife came home today. i'm amazed I can still call her my wife. She wants nothing to do with me. I'm trying to back away. I find myself acting like she does. mean spirited. I'm better than that. I think that i can act better than mean spirited. Its amazing what happens to you when someone breaks your heart. You become spiteful. I want to be mean to her like she is me. No matter what I do, she refutes it. I cant take it anymore. I cant take feeling like this. It KILLS me. I think i'm actually getting grey hair. And after a week, my head was finally straight. I was finally becoming upbeat again. And she comes in and treats me like trash. I want for nothing with her. Ineed to calm down

I'm sick to my stomach. Maybe its the fact that I cant eat. i'm gonna try tonight. I thought, maybe if I treat her like she treats me, she'll understand. she dosent. she dosent even like me. She's around me because she has no where else to go.

the little pocket debater just came in. Why'd she come back if she dosent want to at least try? Good point. I guess if I need to hold onto something, thats better than nothing. emotonally, i'm in a bad place. its not good. I wanna cry really. sigh. I hurt more than i've ever hurt before. It gets worse every day. Like its a cancer that is spreading. I know this sounds really bad, but I'm wondering if I'll be happier without her. I mean, i'll be lonly, but that will change eventually. When all's i want to do is love her, and I cant, that makes a feeling that i cant explain. Lonley is better than that. Will i be able to let her go. Yes. If she comes back, will i be able to take her back. I dont know.

I dont want my marrige to end. I really dont. I want it to last all of eternity. But I didnt sign up for this. I signed up for a lifetime of love. Thats just not what I've gotton.

love is a interesting thing. How much you love something. Sometimes, you have to love somthing so much. Sometimes you something so much that you cant let it go. But you have to decide sometimes to love something so much that you could let it go. If something needs to be let go, it would take many times the amount of love to let it go than to keep it. letting it go is harder. keeping it is easy.

i have to let her go. I have to let her go, and if she comes back, its her choice. i cant keep her here. i cant make her want me. i can only love her enough to let her go. it scares me.

what if i let her go, and she dosent come back? Its a risk. A risk that I dont know if I can face. The thought of a life without her is just too daunting. But over and over again, i'm reminded, letting go takes more love. I dont want to let donna go, but its what she wants. it what she requests. its what she needs. Or at least thats my interpretation of what she says to me. It kills me to do it. I actually dont know if i can do it.

life is a complicated maze of things that you do, and things that you dont do. 1s and 0s to be certain. life is binary. funny. I wont run away from Donna, I wont give up on us. I will no longer hurt us. I will stand back, and let her go. I mean, i'll be there, but I wont be what i want to be. i will be less than she wants. i will be a great father. and if she ever needs anything, well i guess i'll hafta decide if she really needs my help. she probadly wont ask though.

I have to let her go.

"If you love something let it go,if it comes back to you it`s yours, if it doesn`t, it never was"