(A confused, messed up journal entry)
I have a more interesting blog in another site, but it's too monitored now so I'll write here, where almost no one would look.

In that other site, I posted a story telling how much I'm looking for a girlfriend. And 2 girls answered it.
I started talking with the first girl (let's call her Rini) and then the other girl (let's call her Rona) also answered my journal entry, and even ordered a site subscription for me (yes, you can pay in that site so other people will have a subscribed account. It's like ordering a drink in a pub for a girl you don't know).

So.. I had short and nice conversations with Rona in the last 2 days, and she said that I'll call her today. So I did, but she's not answering.. and I waited all day. So I resumed my communication with Rini by replying her last email, after a delay of 2 days (she didn't answer yet)

But what.. that's the mess. I thought of suspending the communication with Rini until I know what goes between me and Rona - because I don't want to date with 2 girls at the same time - it confuses me and puts me under pressure. So what if Rona answers me tomorrow and then Rini answers me too? I won't know who to choose!! I can't look at that logically, because if I go with one girl, I will be angry on myself for having to reject the other girl...

PS: I found a job! I will continue working until the university starts.

I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel now. Time to get a job.
(And why am I writing that? Because I'm such a procratinator, and writing stuff here might remind me to do them)

Another thing: I got 690 in the psychometric. So it allows me to study math starting at October. I'm choosing BGU. Wish me luck!

"Thank you for driving me home"
"My pleasure"
The girl heads to the car door, so I ask:
"Can I get a hug?"
"I think I'll pass".

That doesn't sound good, does it?

I had my psychometric exam on Monday (10.02.2003). I hope I'll make it.. but I'll know only in a month. Currently I belive there's a 50% chance that I'll get the necessary grade to get into the math faculty in Huji. If I fail, I'll have to wait about half a year before I can take the next test, which will be a major bummer.

Should I be ashamed for that I enjoyed studying and doing the psychometric? I like all those riddles - they are quite fun.. unlike all the other people who despise them dearly. At least the war got put off past the psychometric time, which was very good for me.

But it doesn't mean that the war won't have any impact on me. It might mean that the folk dances will be moved to weekend day time, since people will be asked to stay at homes during the night.. and that means I won't be able to dance with the cute Dutch girl whom I have a crush on.. and it'll be very sad since I like her a lot. She always reminds me of Heather Jurgensen (picture) from the movie Kissing Jessica Stein...

(a lot of personal thoughts with no conclusion)

The girl that I tried hitting on using emails still didn't respond to me, but by browsing her site and looking on previous versions of it (using this lovely incriminating tool), I've found that she suffers from borderline personality disorder. She even wrote a lot about it, but for some reasons prefered to remove all the pages about it. It's quite interesting actually.

People suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD) may have 2 extreme situations: One of them is a complete burst of emotions and feelings ("She could cry half an hour, just because I told her that she should wash the lettuce before cutting it"), and the second one is a complete lack of feelings ("When she broke out with me, after one year of being together, she did it without showing any emotion on her face. Too bad she prefered a hard drug addict over me") - knowing your body is there, but not feeling it - which may cause the victim to wound herself, just to feel her body is alive. Funny that BPD is considered a "girl's disorder".

And how she deals with those 2 situations? Not with drugs (unlike many other people) but by art. She visually expresses what she's feeling, and that helps her to pass away the situation.

I've seen her writing in the same site I met her, mentioning that disorder (and her boyfriend again), and using a different nick. I had a small urge to answer her: "Hey Z, is that you?", but I'll never do such a thing.

Remember the secretary from the speach therapy? I had my last speach therapy session about a week ago (the therapist believes the only thing I have to do from now on is just talk to people with my new voice).

When I entered, the secretary seemed to be happy to see me. So I asked the her why didn't she answer the 2 messages I left her. She told me that she doesn't check the voicemail at home for some reason, and doesn't remember receiving any SMS from me. She said she's sure we'll meet again. But yet, she didn't answer any of the messages I left her yesterday. Once again, I just can't understand girls...

There was the other girl from the folk dances, who came here from Holland, and she looks nice and maybe she's even attracted to me, but she keeps the Saturday and won't go out during that day. I wonder if I should continue trying on her.

The interesting fact about her is that she's really cute, but it's a concealed beauty, just like the teeth in the batman logo. If you look on her on the first time you're most likely to turn away due to a disturbing feature in her face, but after you dance with her, you stop noticing that feature and her face starts looking beautiful. But besides of her beauty, I'm not sure I've got a lot to talk with her about, and that religion stuff is a real turnoff.

And now for the conflict: If I want to go out with that girl, I've got only one movie to see with her - Die Another Day. Which is kinda crappy, but there's nothing else to see in the cinema nowadays. But.. I seemed to have promised to go to that movie with another girl, and that girl (let's call her Suzan) seems to be repulsed from me, and yet she wants to see a movie with me. So what should I do? Tell Suzan I have to break my promise because she's not attracted to me?

One of my friends (not MercuryFillingsFan) is selling his Golf '02 (2000cc) tomorrow, because it costs too much to own it, so he wanted me to drive it so I'll know how it feels like.

I was glad to drive it, because I like driving, but it was irresponsible of me to do so, since I have no 3rd side or damage insurance when I drive it.. and as you know, I'm a bad driver. Really bad! The only accident I've been involved with was not my fault (someone lost the brakes and raped my car), but so far I manged to damage 3 parking cars.

So luckily, the driving passed smoothly, but I was too lazy to adjust the left side mirror, and it was very stupid of me, since I had problems seeing what's coming from the left side of me. I promise I'll never neglect that again.

And on the romantic subject: Yesterday I asked a girl from the psychometric course if she wants to do anything on that day, and she told me she's already dating someone. I was so disappointed, because she was showing attraction signs.. she leant on me several times and I could feel her lovely bosom on mine. Girls, go figure.

But today, I'm supposed to go to a birthday party by the same guy who organized the Purim party. If the same people will be there, then it's going to be very lovely.

There was that girl I wanted to hit on, so I sent her an email and she answered me and we had a small correspondence, but her last email said that she can't answer emails temporarily.. so I sat and waited for her to answer my last email.

Today, out of frustration, I searched for comments made by her, to check if she's really offline or just avoiding me. Well, she didn't write anything for more than a week, but one of her messages mentioned her boyfriend (and also slugs, but that's another thing).

How depressing. I already had plans for us... (and if you wondered about the girl from the speech therapy.. then she doesn't answer my calls anymore. This is so weird.. I was sure I found a girl that would accept me as I am. Oh well.. she's seperated and has one 5y/o son, anyway.. I didn't know that when I asked for her phone).

I always had that problem with my voice: It's feminine. People who hear me on the phone always think I'm a girl, and it's bad when you're trying to call a girl who just gave you her phone number.

So, I started speech therapy about 3 months ago. I actually called the therapist long before, but she was full of patients so she didn't have time for me back then. She started by attacking one of my problems: I was speaking from the nose, and didn't use enough air while talking (she gave me exercises: to read poetry in the correct voice).

After around 2 months we got that problem fixed, and she thought of letting me go, but I didn't let her! In order to check if she did "fix" me, I called the bus information line and asked about the line to Eilat (the line to Eilat is considered the longest ride possible, and usually you have to book tickets for it beforehand).

Since in Hebrew the verbs have sexual orientation, a sentence like "Where do you live?" is not the same for males and females, so you just have to talk a while with the representative in order to make them mention your gender, and unfortunately, the representative thought I'm a female.

But it did help the therapist find another problem in me, which isn't too noticeable when you talk with me face to face: My pitch is too high, and I use pronounciation which is more associated to females than males.

So the next exercises involved speaking in a lower pitch and in a more monotonous way, and after another month I came to her clinic and tried calling the bus information line again. The first time, the representative wasn't sure what my gender was, so she just refered to me as "you" in plural. I called another representative and that one referred to me as a male. I'm so happy!

I do have to practice that tone, since it still sounds a bit artificial.. but at least it's a masculine tone. I'll have to get used to it.

Another thing which is worth mentioning is.. I told the receptionist that I won't come for long, so she told me that I can call her to ask her what's up. Isn't that nice? Probably it's because the therapist told the receptionist that I want to hit on her. ;)

I have several things in today's to-do list. Some of them don't require internet but some do, so I first did all the things which don't require a computer (Do that allergy test, talk with the Art College which doesn't exist anymore).

After that I turned on the PC and got online in order to find information about the psychometric exam (remember?) and also find a piano teacher (preferably a cute girl). But before that I decided to browse slashdot, "just for 10 minutes". That happened more than 6 hours ago

And I didn't do anything else from the to-do list since browsing slashdot!

I promise myself that I've learned the lesson.

I've just had a conversation with my friend MercuryFillingsFan {yes, he had mercury fillings and he replaced them all with white fillings. Did you know they no longer do mercury fillings in Europe?}. We spoke about my future.

He asked me: Why won't you come to Jerusalem and study Computer Science in Huji with me? I asked him how would I get accepted, and he told me to do the magic of first enrolling to Math, which shares many courses with CS, and then moving to CS.

It sounds lovely. It'll involve living in a dorm (yes, leaving my parents for the first time) and also concentrating on a task, a think I haven't done for several years.. besides of the math course I took at 2001.

He said that studying Design isn't too recommended, because there are a lot of people studying it now, and there isn't enough demand for it now. I'll have to check that later with another friend of mine.

Another option would be studying in Be'er Sheva, which has a university with great social life. However it's a dreary city and I prefer Jerusalem, which is colorful, magical and interesting, albeit dangerous.

Things to do:

• Start studying for the psychometric exam.
• Find more details about Huji.

As you know, I'm still jobless. I live with my parents so I don't have many expenses, and I've got some savings so I can still finance the things I'm addicted to (internet, fruit juice and folk dances).

But this is a bad state. It allows me to continue staying at home and do nothing..

In my previous work place, I felt like an underdog. I was the only programmer/admin in a group that did completely different things (project management). All the other people had a degree, so they had better conditions than me.. I was the only one arriving to work with a bus.

I decided I can't continue like that. I must improve my situation so I'll feel better in the next job.. so I'm supposed to look for places to study and get some sort of a degree or qualification.

But I'm too lazy and it places me in a deadlock. I avoid looking for a job because I want to get a degree. BUT I'm not looking for a place to study because of the following reasons:

1. Studying will mean "jumping into the cold water", becase I'll be committed to studying so it'll be harder to get a job like that.
2. Studying will cost a lot of my savings and increase my dependency on my parents.. Now I have the option of leaving home, but if I study and it eats my reserves, I wouldn't be able to do so.
3. I don't even know what I want to study:
   1. Computer Science? It's also hard to get accepted into a university which teaches that, since I'll have to spend another year of preparatory studies just to qualify.. there's also another option for fixing that: Improving my finals and studying for the psychometric exam - a thing which will take a year, too.
   2. Design? In my last session of my drawing course, the teacher suggested me to learn design. I liked the sound of it, and the idea, but I have no idea about the demand for designers in the market. Also, where can I study that? There are several places, but each time I go on the internet to try reading about them, I end up browsing totally useless and addicting sites (like this one ;)
   3. Biology. I thought of having a degree in that just for the sake of the degree, so my resume would look nice and I'd be considered an academic person.. it can be an interesting subject all right, but would it help me in life?

I can continue looking for a job, too, but maybe I should advance in life? I could do night studies while working, but it's hard and requires more self discipline (a something I really lack).

You see? So many options, so much time, and I'm still sitting and home doing nothing.

I need someone that would push me. Preferably a magical little fairy like Seraphim (I'd have given a link but MegaTokyo's site has just crashed). Anyway, since it's kinda impossible, I guess that I'll have to go to a psychologist.

What do you think?

Com2Kid posted his image some days ago. (He reminds me of Gidi Gov).

I decided to do the same, and uploaded a picture that tells a lot about me. Here it is!

(written for myself)

One of my friends, Ariel, died about a month and a half ago, but only today I got to know about it. He had severe stomach ache and was sent to the hospital, and then all his systems collapsed.

He claimed people ran experiemnts on him, using several drugs ("above is the formula that killed me"), and the results were bad. He tried to kill himself several times, and he had almost every disorder possible, including sleep disorders and notable obesity (152kg). I guess that the latter was the cause of his death.

And the kinda-sick thing is how I found out he was dead.. about a month ago, I was bored and entered the gay IRC channel, and I saw someone whose user information implied that he's looking for a fat and hairy guy. Let's call him M.

I always envied the gays because it's so easy for them to get laid. Even a huge fat and hairy person can easily get into someone else's fantasy (is it the same for straight males? Why it's so hard for me to find a girl whose fantasy is skinny guys?). Ariel wanted to get laid, but he never hit on people. I thought of doing him a favour, so I gave M the URL that contained almost every possible information about him.

A month later I saw M again on IRC (I placed him in the notify list) and asked him what's going on. He said that Ariel didn't answer him. At first I thought maybe Ariel thought that M is fooling him.. but then I remembered that I haven't seen Ariel on ICQ or IRC for long. I went into some channel and asked if Ariel is still alive (although I didn't believe he'd be dead.. probably he went abroad again.. he liked Scandinavia).. and then someone told me that I'm late in a month and a half.

Ofcourse I was shocked. I entered an unrelated channel in a different network and asked about Ariel again, and got the same answer. He is gone.

Was his dying a side effect of his depressing personality? I didn't like anything he did, or anything he liked. His music creations were cacophonic and his writings were morbid. But I liked him as a person - he was a good person (although his disorders caused him to shout or behave nastily at people sometimes)

Would he lived more if he were living the Right Way [tm]? Like trying to do sports and thinking a bit more about positive stuff?

Updates:
(17.02.2003) Ariel's site is down. All links will point to the Internet Archive now.
(07.05.2003) Fixed a grammatical flow mistake in the paragraph which appears before the last paragraph... how do I write that?
(11.08.2003) Memorial page I found today.

Since I lost my job, I also lost any urge to invest in myself. I don't want to do anything else but to sit at home, watch Buffy and read slashdot all day (and go to the folk dances once a week. I can't go more because I might get folk dances poisoning).

So what can I do? I need something which will return me the urge to live... like a cute girlfriend or a nice goal in life to strive for.. but I don't really feel like trying, for the first time in my life... and if I continue living like that, things will be bad.

Due to lack of bio space, I'll have to move the "unuseful links" list to a journal entry. So here it is:

Unuseful links
User created discussions
Slashdot "friends"!
My fans!
My freaks!
Achinoam Nini - I really love her.

Slashdot bookmarks:
ESR's Sex Tips For Geeks
Designing good linux applications
Cat recognition algorithm
Java creator Gosling says .Net falls short of expectations
Ask slashdot: Learning About Plug-In Architectures?
As a BBS user in the past... (Com2Kid's reply to Sllort about moderation, slashdot and authorities)
Robocode is a game that teaches you Java...
Job interview riddles
Ask /.: What Good Linux Debuggers Are There?
Stopping Paladium?
Resume Tips For Jobs (important for a bum like me?)
Ars Technica on Hyperthreading
Book Reviews: Linux Programming By Example (maybe I should buy this book?)
MySQL-XML Released (What's with the XML hype??!)
(Not too important) Which 3D Rendering Package Do You Recommend?
Human interface subtleties
Porting applications to Linux with WineLib
Free Documentation Base - Docs.eu.org Online (Learning material for CS)
Developers: Drawing Graphs on Your Browser?
Scriptiing [sic] The Enterprise With Java And PHP
Why's (Poignant) Guide to Ruby
IBM's Linux Upgrade Roadmap (replacing NT with linux. hmmm)
Dealing with disruptive forum users (I liked the donation idea)
Dynamic DNS (might get outdated quickly...)
Art tip for programmers
How Much Harm Can One Web Site Do? (spyware and stuff)
Where are the "modern" directory services? (Schop loved LDAP)
Geek jokes
What is Mainframe Culture?
Ask Slashdot: Which PHP5 Framework is Your Favorite?
Developers: 10 Best Resources for CSS
Developing extensions for Firefox
Pepping up windows
When bugs aren't allowed
Easing Compatibility Between OpenOffice, MS Office
Windows Thin Clients - Worth Making the Switch?
How to recognize a good programmer (by his CV?)
How To See In Four Dimensions
Demo of a New "Sixth Sense" Technology
Ask Slashdot: What Questions Should a Prospective Employee Ask?
The NoSQL ecosystem
Xiph video primer for geeks
CyanogenMod: the History of an Android Hack
Ask Slashdot: Android Security Practices?
Ask Slashdot: Overcoming Convention Hall Wi-Fi Interference?