For the last week it has been hell... I have been hiding from every girl I have been talking to. I can't get my ex-fiance out of my head. I have been drinking nightly. I go to clubs and sit in the dark alone and drink. I am unable to talk to anyone, much less hook up. She has a date tonight with some guy from her school. My heart fell to my ass. I want to go home and cry myself to sleep but I do not want to freak out at work *again*, so I cannot leave unexpectedly.

Why can't I find someone to help me forget her the way she utterly made me forget my ex-wife? Why is this harder for me than every other relationship I have ever had?

I have been faking it. It's like another personality. I have this inexplicable charm and start talking to girls I do not honestly see myself with. I get them and then... they do not hit her mark. I ignore them. They go away.

I am left alone. Wanting her.

I am really Stephen King. I started coming to this site a while back after people kept saying I was dead. Well I'm not. Thank you for buying my books.

Anyone out there use iTunes to listen to their mp3 collection? Use
Yahoo! Instant Messenger to chat? Run Windows9x or higher?

I recently wrote a program that takes your currently playing song in
iTunes and sets your YIM status message to reflect it.

I'll send it to you if you want it, YIM nick: misfitsfan76.

See the crosspost in my livejournal for screenshots: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misfitsfan76/

We were late to the concert and missed TKK. Sucked. Ministry was so fucking awesome (as usual) though!! Spent my time in the pit pushing and being pushed. So many memory filled old songs in adition to the new ones. Different arangements for everything, very nice.

The show started with a guy in a sloppy suit and a GW Bush mask seig heiling the audience over opera music. From then on it was non-stop head banging and singing along.

Afterwards my friends and I and a DJ that had joined TKK last week all went to the club. Had some drinks and a SoCo shot. Then on to a gay bar. More drinks.

I start getting calls from my ex-fiance at Ministry. She is in town. She starts acting like a jealous GF. I tell her to leave me alone and stop tripping. Then she tells me she is at a bar with her ex-husband. I tell her to leave me the fuck alone.

At the gay bar she tells me to get ready to leave I'm going home with her. Now part of me is excited by this. I was the ride for four people, so I make arrangements to have other ppl drive them. I meet her outside. We go to Whataburger to eat. It goes well. We go to my house. God I wanted her. She refuses sex. Then I find out she lied about a few things including being at a bar with her ex. Head game upon head game.

So I tell her to get the fuck out. Leave and take her head games with her. I texted her later that I didn't love her anymore, I now respect myself too much to put up with shit, and to leave me alone.

It is good that Cilla is so easy going because I made a mistake, a huge one. I want to see what happens with her. I am seeing her today, and I can't wait. No drama, no fighting, no games. Now granted we do not know each other well enough for all of that yet, but that's not a bad thing at this point.

Living and learning.

Tonight I am going to see Ministry and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult with Cilla as my date. Seen both of them before, but going to be killer. Ministry lives here in El Paso, I was in a local dive with them a few weeks ago, althought at the time talking to Al I didn't recognize them... At least I didn't turn into a fanboi :-)

I'll post an update later or mañana after the show...

I feel liberated. Happy and free. I don't know why I let my self sink so low. I don't know why I felt I had to care so much or so long for someone who didn't return it?

I was told today by her that she had a new boyfriend. I guess she wanted me to go nuts and cry. But when I looked inside I saw that not only did I not care she was with someone else, I was happy for her. I told her this and she told me she hated me.

Wow. But again I didn't care. Not in a negative way either.

I told her (well here is the transcript):

Her (6:01:26 PM): fuck you very mucho
Her (6:01:28 PM): bye
Me (6:01:40 PM): why the hostility?
Her (6:01:54 PM): cause i hate you
Her (6:01:56 PM): bye
Me (6:02:26 PM): I will always love you, I just want you to be happy. I honestly hope you will be
Me (6:02:42 PM): I am very sorry we didn't work out
Me (6:02:59 PM): Hate me if you want but know it doesn't go both ways
Me (6:03:02 PM): bye

I am going to see Priscilla tonight. But this is not why I am happy. I am having trouble explaining this. I feel such an immense weight lifted off of me. It feels so good to be done with it. I am happy being me for the first time pretty much ever. My friends have been so great. I am looking forward to doing things right. I just want to have fun and not worry. Not be jealous. Not be crazy. Why did I never figure this out before?

A certain someone came upon my journal... I deleted all entries in panic, then realized I had nothing to hide. I am a grown-ass single man. I am free. I answer to only me, no one else. So having realized this I am back.

Been on several more dates since last entry (no longer existant). Didn't work out with Bea, didn't feel a spark. Met Priscilla. She DJs at a club I always go to. Always had a crush on her. Got her number last week. We had a date on Sunday night at 9pm.

The date ended 25 hours later. We really hit it off. Felt comfortable with each other. Had good conversation. Can't wait to see her again.

Things with the ex-fiance are bad now because she knows I had a long date. I decided to be cool with her, but she won't extend the same curtisy to me. I begged her for months to take me back. Brought me to the lowest point of my life. I don't honestly understand why she's upset, she doesn't want to be with me. She says she wants me to find someone else. Oh well...

Wish me luck, I felt a butterfly with this one and that is the sign for me. I may fall in love again, we'll have to see what happens. The awesome part is if I don't I know I'll be fine. That knowledge was earned hard. I will never let myself be hit like that again. I am also now totally incapable of cheating on the one I love. I never want to feel the pain of being left alone with only myself to blame ever again.

I was to be married on Thursday. Fucking Thursday. But I am living and learning :-)