In an attempt to stop prisoners smuggling mobile phones into jail, Britain plans on introducing bottom scanners. Prisoners will have to sit on the scanners (chairs), called Body Orifice Security Scanners, which bleep if their subjects have a phone hidden inside them. The £6,500 chairs are going in 102 jails across Britain, and can also be used to detect drugs and weapons. The chairs are very reasonably priced when you think of the savings on latex gloves, lube, and anti-bacterial soap they provide.

The Tough Guy 2009 challenge is described by its organizers as a 'uniquely fear-ridden' test of both body and spirit. The race consists of a grueling six-mile cross-country run in the freezing cold with 21 different obstacles including underwater tunnels, hot coals, electric fences and swamps. Competitors were strongly advised to prepare by undergoing cold water training to guard against the potentially lethal threat of hypothermia and had to sign a 'Death Warrant disclaimer' before taking part in the event. The race was supposed to conclude with a hour-long conversation with my mother covering such topics as: what Mrs. Kline said at the book club Wednesday night, speculations on what type of curtains would go with the new carpet, and a treatise on what is wrong with various family members. Organizers decided against the phone call after it was deemed too hazardous to competitors in their weakened state.

As long as I still have wasted Wednesdays, I'll be fine.

Ian-K writes "The Sun has a story about a man lost his 'tool' while trying to rape a raccoon. An observant reader over at ATS pointed out that luckily it wasn't a squirrel, or he may have also lost his nuts." I hope he can make something positive out of this experience, like talking at schools to warn kids about the dangers of oral sex with a raccoon.

Pilots in the RAF have fired upon unidentified objects without success since the 1980s, according to Nick Pope, who used to run the Ministry of Defence's UFO project. "There was a faction in the MoD who said 'We want to shoot down a UFO and that will resolve the issue one way or another. We know of cases where the order has been given to shoot down - with little effect to the UFO," he says. The MoD refused to comment. While not making the best first impression on our alien visitors, this policy assures that the British won't end up in a cookbook.

A 14-year-old who wanted to be a police officer put on a uniform, walked into a Chicago police station and managed to get an assignment -- patrolling in a squad car for five hours before he was detected, police said Sunday. Assistant Superintendent James Jackson said the mix-up was discovered only after the boy's patrol with an actual officer ended Saturday. Officers noticed his uniform lacked a star that is part of the regulation uniform. That's some fine police work there, Lou.

An anonymous Coward writes "Knights Armament Corp. who supply sniper rifles to the US military have developed a iPod Touch mounting system and software for the US Army M110 sniper rifle system. The use of off the shelf hardware no doubt cut costs and allowed rapid development of this system." If it automatically played a theme song after every head shot, this would be the coolest rifle accessory ever.

Michael Nicholson really likes school. I mean he likes it in the same way Steve Jobs Likes turtlenecks and my unemployed uncle likes Larry The Cable Guy. The 67-year-old Kalamazoo man has amassed 27 college degrees since 1963, and he says he's not done yet. It started with a bachelor's degree in religious education at William Tyndale College in Detroit, which led to a master's degree in theology at Dallas Theological Seminary. Since then, he has earned two associate's degrees, 19 master's degrees, three specialist's degrees and one doctoral degree. Michael is currently working on two more master's degrees and is a shoe-in to lead this year's beer-pong team to the national finals.

In the granddaddy of all stupid public relations decisions, Spirit Airlines decided to charge two passengers a $90 cancellation fee because the couple never used their return flight from Myrtle Beach on Flight 1549. While Spirit Airlines employees may not be very adaptable to tough situations, their HR department can take solace in the fact that they know how to spew forth company policy. It only took a day for the company to give the Kolodjay family a full refund. Behold the power of bad press!