Ballmer Babies Banned From iPods and Google

Valah writes "In a recent Fortune interview with Steve Ballmer, the newer kinder Microsoft CEO is not only ready to take on the videogaming, search, music download and mobile markets - but he's also laying down the law in his own house. Steve says that his kids are not allowed to use Google or have an iPod."

Not a problem!

[The-Bus]

Considering Google's willingness to appease the biggest government censor (China), I don't doubt that Google will also censor itself in Ballmer's home, if IPs were given out. And another th--

WAIT... Steve Ballmer has human children?!?

He performs anticompetitive maneuvers on his kids?

[Too many errors, bai]

Does he throw chairs at his kids as well?

Ah, excellent:

[Vengeance]

Another generation of the wealthy and clueless.

No Google, indeed... Similarly, I do not allow my children to use 'legs'.

But...

[J05H]

But... Dad!! All the other kids are doing it!!

Behind The Curve

[Steve B]

Microsoft is about to roll out new versions of Windows and Office.

This must be some new definition of "about to" with which I have not been familiar....

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[masklinn]

Whoa, study? It's Steve Ballmer we're talking about, if he as much as SEEs his kids anywhere near iPods or within 20m of a computer displaying a Google page it'll be Chair Throwing time, he'll Fucking Bury(TM) them. He's done it before and he'll do it again. He's going to Fucking Kill(TM) his children.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[aborchers]

I think this is great. Knowing how kids typically react to this kind of thing fom parents, we can be virtually assured they will rebel against MS as adolescents and grow up to be Linux developers!

 

Re:so, he has his kids brainwashed

[Anonymous Coward]

>>The only other plausible way to unseat a king

...is to take his throne and throw it across the room while yelling "I'm going to fucking kill that king!"

just another reason

[DennisInDallas]

I usually can't work up a lot of pity for the obscenely rich, but it's really got to suck to be a little balmer - for so many reasons

Re:He performs anticompetitive maneuvers on his ki

[bubulubugoth]

Sure!!! that was the pavlovian educational brainwashing method of his childrens' brain...

Ipod -> Chair -> pain
Google -> Chair -> pain

Jokes overheard in the workplace...

[RyoShin]

"I wonder if Steve would only allow chairs that would be easy to throw, or have chairs so heavy that they couldn't be thrown. It depends on how he wants to raise his children, I suppose."

"Maybe his real motive for not allowing iPods is so that the kids won't throw them. Those things are expensive!"

"If you think Steve's tantrums are bad, wait until you meet his kids."

I'll be here all day. Try the veal.

It may work for a while...

[theheff]

until those rebellious teenage years... although I have to admit that a google query is a lame display of disrespect.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[w3weasel]

That is NOT an elephant hiding behind that tree... it's not there.

-- S. Balmer

cognitive dissonance

[Geno Z Heinlein]

Steve says that his kids are not allowed to use Google or have an iPod.

Agggh, the pain... can't decide how to karmawhore... call Micro$oft evil... make fun of Ballmer... Norman, coordinate!!!

OB Office Space

[schon]

"[...] chicks dig a dude with money."

"Well, not all chicks."

"Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do."

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Machina Fortuno]

Just like all the pastor's kids who became coke dealers, right? Hahaha, I do think this is pretty funny honestly though. But really... with a dad like that, who cares if you have an iPod or not. They could probably twist him arm into getting their own Vista backdoor! :P (hold shift and eat a pretzel during boot, and Vista all Vista code will tranform into a robot ready for your command)

Re:My children will inherit billions...

[Red Flayer]

"they hire live cover bands to follow them around 24/7 "

That's so middle-class. Real billionaires hire the orginal performers for their kids, not cover bands.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[thatguywhoiam]

Whoa, study? It's Steve Ballmer we're talking about, if he as much as SEEs his kids anywhere near iPods or within 20m of a computer displaying a Google page it'll be Chair Throwing time, he'll Fucking Bury(TM) them. He's done it before and he'll do it again. He's going to Fucking Kill(TM) his children.

Yeaaaarrrgggghh! Honor me, children! HONOR MEEEEE! GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEEEEEEEE yeaaaaaar

You know what you need? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?!
DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE *cough* DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE *hacking paroxysm* DISCi... *pants heavily* its all about the DISCIPLINe children... jesus.... fucking.. dis.. I... I.... *collapses in a puddle of sweat and desperation*

Just say "no" to iPod

[Megane]

...because as we all know, the iPod is a "gateway product" that leads to hardcore product usage, such as OS X, Linux, and the psychedelic effects of BSD.

But there's a way you can help. Talk to your kids about products and teach them why non-Microsoft products are dangerous, and can lead to a life of crime.

Did you know that Steve Ballmer recently got interested in photography? But he had a problem when he ran out of supplies, and he started shouting "Developers! Developers! Developers!"

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Golias]

I think you people are being too hard on the guy.

He's just talking about believing in his product enough to feed his kids his own dog food.

Wait. That came out wrong...

Dialoge from the Balmer house...

[Tyger]

"What are you hiding from me there?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me. It's an iPOD isn't it. You have a ****ing iPOD!"

"No, it's pot! I'm doing drugs."

"Don't give me any of that. It's an iPOD. You know that we don't use iPOD in this house. And what's that on your computer? Let me see your screen."

"It's just porn, dad!"

"It better be. If I catch you looking at Google one more time, you're grounded for LIFE. Now go smoke your pot and watch the porn like a good boy."

Re:OB Office Space

[MustardMan]

I was more thinking of a different office space quote....

"fuckin... children would have hooves"

In the house of Balmer....

[mangus_angus]

Mrs. Balmer..."oh honey...look at what I found in little steves sock drawer while I was cleaning today....and look at what I found on his computer."
Mr. Balmer..."oh my god, no...not my son....DEAR GOD PLEASE NO!!! STEVE JUNIOR...GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!!"
Little Steve..."Yeah da...uh oh..."
Mr. Balmer..."Do you care to explaine this son?! You know the rules of my house!"
Mrs. Balmer..."Steve calm down please!! Oh junior we still love you..."
Mr. Balmer..."SHUT UP WOMAN! junior...talk....NOW.
Little Steve..."errr ummm...I was holding it for a friend! I swear! And my other friend was using my PC the other day, I didn't know!"
Mr. Balmer..."oh so your friend wanted you hold on to his Nano for him, and your "other" friend just happend to be looking at that SMUT search engine..."
Little Steve..."yes"
Mr. Balmer..."go upstairs...your mother and I need to talk about this"
Little steve..."yes sir"..."man, I better move that MacBookPro and linux server out of my closet...."

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[twofidyKidd]

(hold shift and eat a pretzel during boot, and Vista all Vista code will tranform into a robot ready for your command)

For the record, I just tried that with WinXP, and I got the blue screen of death.

...just so you know...

An Open Letter from Steve Ballmer's kids.

[sammy baby]

Dear Dad,

You're a dick.

Fondly,

Your kids.

he better not look under their mattresses

[EddieBurkett]

Everyone knows that iPods are just an easy gateway to harder Apple products. As soon as he sees those little white buds, he'll know that Powerbooks and iMacs can't be far behind. He's just trying to protect his kids is all.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Ruphuz]

Of course, given they are Ballmer's offspring, they would not be simply Linux developers, but Linux developers! Linux developers! Linux developers! [msboycott.com]

Re:That'll work

[Anonymous Coward]

On the other hand, if the alternative is being thrashed about like a rag doll by a sweaty man-ape...

Mrs. Ballmer just had a flashback to their children's conception.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Anonymous Coward]

Aye, and if the kids survive the onslaught, they shall have had sufficient training in arbitrary dickheadery to be good /. editors.

OK, that was a bit caustic.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[LizardKing]

"VB, much like generic beer and America's Funniest Home Videos is an enabling technology for stupid people." - Anonymous

For some reason I thought VB stood for Victoria Bitter when I first read your sig. Then I realised you meant Visual Basic. Now I'm not sure again.

Camouflage case anyone?

[careysb]

Coming soon: camouflage case for the Nano. Makes it look like the "other" MP3 player.

Parent Teacher Meeting

[Geak]

Teacher: I'm afraid we have to put your son into a slow learning class. Ballmer: Why? Teacher: Well we found out he was using MSN search to research an essay. His arguments were completely wrong and his paper was 2 weeks late. Ballmer: What do the rest of the students use? And DONT say Google! Teacher: Ok I won't. Ballmer: @#&*!!!!!! *throws chair*

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Vengie]

Dear Mormons, I love your sexually repressed gay sons.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[cultrhetor]

Nah, I agree with him in principle. I don't let my kids use Microsoft. They have enough problems already, looking like me and all.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Anonymous Coward]

You wack a discipwin.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[ettlz]

we can be virtually assured they will rebel against MS as adolescents and grow up to be Linux developers!

That would be the ultimate kick in his gelatinous belly. Almost as bad as:

One of Ballmer's kids walks in from school, wearing black make-up, trench-coat and hair, with multiple body piercings.

Steve. Say, why have you come home from school looking like that? I told you, this is a conformist household. No Google, no iPod.

Kid. Muuuuhh! [Slinks off.]

Steve. Hey! I'm talking to you, come back here. I don't like you getting involved with all that "goth" business... say, what's that hanging out of your bag?

Kid. [Shyly] Oh that ... that's nothing. [Kid tries to scamper away, but Steve grabs it by the arm, and takes the object.]

Steve. [Disappointed] Oh, no. I don't believe this. Didn't your mother and I tell you? I mean... how could you?

Kid. What? They're just install disks—

Steve. For FreeBSD 6.0!

Kid runs away. Steve tries to pick up a dinner chair, but realises it has been bolted to the floor.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[stunt_penguin]

And, since they're probably going to inheret large bank accounts from dear ol' dad (assume he doesn't fucking kill them first), they'll be RICH linux developers. A bit of an oxymoron don't you think?

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Skim123]

Don't worry, seeing how Vista's release date has continually slipped, his kids will probably never use that, either.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[bobdinkel]

It made my day to see this modded as informative. Thank you, Slashdot.

Enforced by Clippy

[kbob88]

I'll bet he's got a customized version of Clippy installed on his kid's computers, integrated into IE:

"I see that you are searching for AAC music files on Google. Would you like me to:

1. Tell your dad?
2. Redirect you to MSN Search?
3. Search eBay for a helmet to protect you from flying furniture?
4. Expose another IE security hole to the press to keep Dad at the office all night?"

Oh wait... That won't work; if his kids use Google and iPods, they're probably using Firefox too...

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Atzanteol]

Hrm. Goth outfit? No. I think jeans and a black turtleneck [google.com] would go over much worse... :-)

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Captain Splendid]

Goddamn, that's the funniest thing I've read all day, good use of TM there.

On another note, how unpopular must Ballmer's kids be at school? No iPods or Google? Might as well tattoo kick me signs on their backs.

At least when they rebel, it won't be to drugs or promiscuity, it'll be to the Itunes Music Store.

Re:Not a problem!

[Anonymous Coward]

WAIT... Steve Ballmer has human children?!?

Only between meals. . . . .

Re:This guy is a world-class IDIOT

[JohnnyBigodes]

You know how the business world works. He can throw chairs, ban IPods, and do monkey dances, as long as his hair is combed and he's wearing a suit and tie.

PS - I don't think Stallman has any better overall appearance either.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[satanami69]

What do I care if one of them is gay? I have 20 more to find a few wives.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Anonymous Coward]

<joke>What is the penalty for polygamy<joke>



<answer>Multiple wives<answer>



I'll be here all week, please try the veal.

Re:No ... they become pastors

[plover]

OK, so to break the tension, here's a joke.

These three kids are sitting around talking about getting stuff for free. The first kid says "My dad's a doctor, so I can be sick for nothing." The second kid says "My dad's a teacher, so I can be smart for nothing." The third kid says "Well, my dad's a pastor, so I can be good for nothing."

Well, it was funny when I first heard it.

Re:Not a problem!

[xnot]

Wait a minute. That must mean.... oh no.

Steve.....Balmer.....had.....SEX?

No, no, it can't be. God no, it can't be. "You know what we all need? Prostitutes! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES!" (Balmer on stage sweating like a pig, with playboy bunnies.)

Please rip that image out of my head.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[ChiPHeaD23]

Steve. Say, why have you come home from school looking like that? I told you, this is a conformist household. No Google, no iPod.

So Google and iPod are "rebellious"? As far as geekery goes, I can't think of anything more conformist than being an iPod-toting Google slave, other than running Windows on your Dell.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Anonymous Coward]

Don't fink. Feew.

Re:Would a different approach be better?

[Foobar of Borg]

I have four words for you, I Love This House! YEAHHH!!!!

In other news

[mattbrundage]

In other news... the CEO of Juniper Networks once tried to tweak his firewall to block all packets that had passed through a Cisco Systems router.

Star Wars Version

[inKubus]

GATES: Welcome, young Balmer. I have been expecting you.

Balmer's son peers at the hooded figure defiantly. Gates then looks down at the boy's binders.

GATES: You no longer need those.

Gates motions ever so slightly with his finger and Balmer's Son's binders fall away, clattering to the floor. The boy looks down at his own hands, free now to reach out and grab Gate's neck. He does nothing.

GATES: Guards, leave us.

The red-, yellow-, green- and blue-cloaked guards turn and disappear behind the elevator.

GATES (to Balmer's Son): I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call me Master.

BALMER'S SON: You're gravely mistaken. You won't convert me as you did my father.

Gates gets down from his XP Console and walks up very close to Balmer's Son. Gates looks into his eyes and, for the first time, Balmer's Son can perceive the evil visage within the hood.

GATES: Oh, no, my young Linux Admin. You will find that it is you who are mistaken...about a great many things.

BALMER: His iPod.

BALMER extends a gloved hand toward Gates, revealing his son's iPod. Gates takes it.

GATES: Ah, yes, a Linux Admin's toy. Much like your father's Portable Media Center(tm). By now you must know your father can never be turned from the dark side. So will it be with you.

BALMER'S SON: You're wrong. Soon I'll be dead...and you with me.

Gates laughs.

GATES: Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your Unix DoS Squad.

Balmer's Son looks up sharply.

GATES: Yes...I assure you we are quite safe from your friends here.

BALMER looks at his son.

BALMER'S SON: Your overconfidence is your weakness.

GATES: Your faith in your friends is yours.

BALMER: It is pointless to resist, my son.

Gates turns to face Balmer's Son.

GATES (angry): Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. (points to a NETSTAT on the monitor) Your friends out there on the Internet..

Balmer's Son reacts. Gates notes it.

GATES (cont): ...are walking into a trap. As is your DoS Squad! It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the IP of the open ports. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of BSA agents awaits them.

Balmer's Son look darts from Gates to Balmer and, finally, to the iPod in Gate's hand.

GATES: Oh...I'm afraid the firewall will be quite operational when your friends' packets arrive.

TO BE CONTINUED

Re:Not surprising

[Anonymous Coward]

When I tell you about the only way you can escape hell it is helping you. If you repent from you sins (what you have done wrong) and are saved, you are now going to heaven. That is the biggest way I can help anyone.

So, just to help you:

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; 3:23

For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Rom 6:23

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Ephesians 2:8

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Rom 10, 9-10

Re:Star Wars Version

[inKubus]

Perhaps a prequel is in order? ;)

Re:Star Wars Version

[slashdot idiot]

GATES (laughing): Good. Use your Windows emulator, boy! Let the hate flow through you. Balmer's Son looks momentarily toward Gates, then back to Balmer, and realizes he is using the dark side. He steps back, turns off his iPod, and relaxes, driving the hate from his being. BALMER: Steve Jobs has taught you well. BALMER'S SON: I will not fight you, father. BALMER: You are unwise to lower your earbuds. Balmer tries to grab the iPod away from his son, but fails. The young Jedi leaps in an amazing reverse flip up to the safety of the catwalk overhead. Vader stands below him. BALMER'S SON: Your iTunes purchases betray you, father. I feel the Apple in you...the conflict. BALMER: There is no conflict BALMER'S SON: You couldn't bring yourself to brainwash me before, and I don't believe you'll MSN me now. BALMER: You underestimate the power of the dark side. If you will not use Windows, then you will meet your destiny. GATES: Good...good!