SarahAnnAlien's Journal: Recovering from Thanksgiving 2004

I'm starting to feel better after my little crisis over the weekend.

I made it to work, which is always good. Was pretty productive, too, and a little bummed that I only had a half day to spend at the office.

Then I headed off on my periodic pilgrimage to see P. We talked about my crisis. Things were already better, and talking with her made them better still. I asked her for weekly visits for a little while, though, as there's a lot going on. She agreed.

Transportation was weird today, though. On the way to P's office, I almost missed the bus, because it was the wrong kind of bus (different make/model/color) and it had the wrong number on it too. Thank goodness I thought to ask! It turned out the *correct* number was printed on a sheet of paper taped in the window, but the number on the sign was wrong. When I asked about this, the driver said they were "trying out" this new bus, and if they liked it, they would fix the sign. Uh, ok...

On the way back, the same bus with the wrong number was going in the *other* direction, but this time, it was being driven by the guy who looks like an Elvis impersonator. He's cool, and seems really nice.

Then at the transfer point, I happened to see a bus that had a sign that suggested it was an express bus headed exactly where I wanted to go! I've been making this trip for a year and a half now, and I had no idea there was an express bus! I rather hesitantly went to ask (having learned not to trust the signs today)... and then it turned out the driver had wandered off. So I waited. Finally the driver arrived... and told everyone to get off the bus! As it turned out, some other bus had broken down, and they needed to move all the passengers from that bus onto the express bus, which would take over the other route, and all the people on the express bus (well, all three of us) were going to be put in a supervisor's van for the trip north. So, instead of the big, uncomfortable bus, I got to sit in a warm, snug, cozy, comfy little van with two other ladies while we zipped up the freeway to the mall.

And the whole drive up, the supervisor kept *apologizing* for the *inconvenience*!

The supervisor guy told us he had to shuttle some other people yesterday because of a similar breakdown, and said that one of the passengers had been mentally ill, and had gone a little crazy in his van. I thought about telling him I'd gone a little crazy over the weekend, too, but I decided I didn't want to risk freaking him out, since he was being so nice to us.

He dropped us off at the mall. He got out and opened the door for us. And when I asked, he said, no, I didn't have to pay him for the express upgrade. So not only did I get a quick, luxurious ride home, I *saved* a *quarter* too!

I had a quick salad for dinner at the food court, and then went shopping.

I still need to find a warm winter coat. We've been having a bit of a cold snap here, and I don't own anything warm enough to cope with it. I found a couple coats that might do, but they were a little bit expensive. Plus, they looked like snowboarding jackets, and I worried that they might somehow be too trendy for me. I didn't try anything on.

I've been looking for a warm coat for a while. It's been hard. Most coats don't fit me well, particularly in the shoulders. When I do find something that fits, it's inevitably something bulky enough that I end up looking like a baked potato.

I'm so picky now! A few years ago, literally anything would have been fine. Now, I have to search, and search, and find just the right thing. And in the meantime, I'm freezing to death.

After the coats, I went to two different stores to look at skillets and skillet-like things. Last Saturday, when I was having an especially bad time, I tried to do the dishes, but I was too upset, and I was trying to wash my good skillet with a scrub brush, and, um, well, to make a long story short, it isn't my good skillet anymore. Which was fine, really; I was thinking of replacing it anyway. The fact that it is no longer round, or flat on the bottom, is really just added motivation.

I found a medium-sized saute pan that will probably be the replacement. But I didn't buy it tonight. I'll probably buy it this week, though. There were nicer skillets, but I need something with a good lid. I also found a really nice pot, which apparently is for steaming vegetables, but I want to use it for making soups. It's quite a big pot, but still small enough diameter to fit conveniently into my dishwasher. And it's on sale!

On the way home, I stopped and bought a little chocolate. Which I won't beat myself up for; there's enough going on now that I think a little chocolate is entirely appropriate. And, um, so were the two chocolate bars I had after lunch; it *was* buy one, get one free, you know, so I really didn't have that much of a choice. (Giggle!)

Thank goodness I had small salads for lunch and dinner! Oh well, whatever. The extra Thanksgiving pounds can come off in January too. Sigh.

So, life is slowly returning to normal. I still haven't talked to Dad; I'm sure we'll work things out. I know he still loves me and didn't mean to hurt my feelings. Even *I* was surprised at the depth of my pain. It's been quite a learning experience, really.

There have been some things I've told myself weren't that important to me. I've told other people they weren't important either. These things turn out to be very important to me. Other people won't know that unless I tell them. Lesson learned. (I learned that same lesson six months ago... oops... guess I didn't, huh? Yeah, six months ago I almost fired P because, well... because she believed what I told her.)

I need to work harder to make Dad a part of my journey. He won't learn these things unless I teach him. I have to teach him about my hopes and dreams. And my fears. I can't just tell him that the rules have changed and expect him to pick up all the details on his own.

I have to acknowledge my own hopes and dreams, and fears, before I can tell someone else about them.

I have to accept that the fact that things are going "amazingly well" doesn't mean that they can't fall apart the moment a butterfly flaps its wings in China.

And, despite the fact that things are going amazingly well, I am under no obligation to do everything else absolutely perfectly in order to *prove* things are going well.

Next time, I should probably just go ahead and start sobbing at the airport. Miss my flight? So what? I might have learned even more by sharing my pain with the people who love me. And given them a chance to learn and grow with me.

Then again, learning to deal with all these new emotions is a tricky business. I doubt there *is* a *right* thing to do.