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Journal bluefairee's Journal: can't count 7

i can't count the ways. i'm too tired. even if i had the energy there would be too mcuh to count.

i FEEL unloved, uncared about, unwanted, unattractive, undesirable...generally un-everything. maybe it will pass. maybe it won't. i want to be held, but that is not an option. if for no other reason then my body gives off an unusual amount of heat so anyone who holds me can't/won't do it for long. i want d. i know he can't help me, but i miss him horribly. to look in his eyes and know i am so loved he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...just as i was...forever. no use in beating a dead horse. i left him and now he's happily remarried, but he would hold me. he would comfort and reasure me.

he's not here, so i am alone. always alone until i want to die. then everyone comes to my unwanted aid. only to be left alone again to fight a battle that only i can do. a battle i don't want to fight. i'm sooooooooo tired. i'm tired of being made to fight for something i don't want. to fight a battle i don't even think i'll win and honestly don't care to.

alas, here i am again. with another promise to not cause myself harm so someone else can sleep at night and feel like they've done some good when truely they only hurt me more.

it's not fair. my life. never has been and never will be. always my life until i don't want it. then it belongs to everyone else. not fair. just not fair. just not fair.

a very very VERY tired blue. a very sad and crying blue. a too tired to fight today or even care blue.

or maybe, just blue

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can't count

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  • you're loved. you're wanted.

    there's a balance. there's a place you can find where you are empowered enough to see the love people feel for you without being entirely dependent on it. a place where love is not threatening to you.

    i hope you find it before you give up.

    do you try making art of any kind? there's obviously a lot going on that needs an outlet. maybe if you find an outlet you have more direct control of, it will be easier for you to find your balance.

    i feel for you blue. i care about you.
    • you say you don't want to fight, but you fight those who try to help you.

      if you apply that fight to beating the demons that are chasing you instead of resisting change, you could actually defeat the demons. if you defeat them, you won't have to fight them.

      you have so much fight, so much energy. it's just not focused to changing your situation. it's focused toward maintaining your current pain. the new pain is different, but it isn't worse. and it leads to a place of less pain. when dave and others t
  • I've only been reading your journal recently. All I can say is you clearly do have friends, ones who care about you a lot. No matter how hard you work at driving them away when you hit the lowest points, they haven't ceased to care. And somewhere, deep within, you know that or you wouldn't have found it necessary to promise not to hurt yourself.

    Those who care about you see through to the real you - the one who wants to live and be herself; the one who wrote:

    "if i'm going to be here, then damn it i'm go
  • Hi Blue,

    *I* care about you (and I'm clearly not alone). It's not that I'm just Dave's friend and I want this to work for his sake. I do care about *you* and your troubles. I've only caught some of your journalled history and I'm sorry for the troubles that you've been heaped with. I'm sorry things are so very difficult, just to get through a single day, sometimes.

    Don't think, though, that you are alone. You're not alone. Maybe we can't reach out through the web and give you a much-needed hug, but we
  • Life is about balancing. You can't stop living because you want something else, like love or someone's arms around you. I don't know how many times i've had to tell myself this - every time I am dying for the taste, touch, smell of a woman I get depressed and start doing the very things that assure that I am not going to get that. You're being the same way, doing all the wrong things to make life better.

    Nothing is going to get better as long as you stay focused on something you don't have right now. Yo

  • Looking for people who understand you. Looking for people who know you. Looking for people who are strong enough to handle you. Looking for people you can call friends with you not having to be all that perfect. Yes, that search can be tireseome, especially if the rage moments take the better half of your energy. But appart from the energy drainage, I think that lot's - LOTS - of people are searching..

    If I read between the lines (uh.. well..) it seems that you've someone or something to look for in th

e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap. - Karl Lehenbauer