to the nut house or not..that is the question

Journal bluefairee's Journal: to the nut house or not..that is the question 5

Journal by bluefairee on Thursday October 21, 2004 @11:34AM

nut house 1st: my mom call 911 on my last night. i wasn't fighting, or even cutting. dave got home and i gave him the knife. all i did was yell. i called a used to be friend last night to try and reach out to see how he was doing. known him for 15yrs. towards the end of the conversation he told me he had also called the police that night. at first i just tried to let it go. we had planned on going to see a movie on friday. i called him back and told him i was getting angier and angrier thinking about it so we'd best not go. i also told him not to call me, that it would be best if i had time to simmer down before we talked again. i went out for a smoke and listen to music. i guess it was the wrong mix because the next thing i know i'm yelling to his cell phone answering messenger how much i hate him and how could he do this to me haveing seen me go thur so much.

i have no idea how many times i called to leave messages. eventually i sent an email full of rage and hate. then dave got home and tried to give me my meds. i refused and him what happened.

my mom had told me if i really wanted to go thru with it she wouldn't stop me so i called her to make dave give me my pills. she wouldn't do it. so i called her serveral times screaming at her for being like everyone else and trapping me here. dave said if i called her one more time she'd call the police so i threw the phone at him and tried to go walking. apparently the last call had already been too many. i'd come back to smoke and try again to calm down and i was because i was so tired and it was way past time for meds. that's when i heard the sirens. i told myself they weren't for me so i sat there and as soon as ems pulled up to the house i took off. the fire department came and the police. the caught me.

i don't even know how long it took them to convince me to go to he hospital and that they were arresting me. i was terrified they were going to lock me up agian with the cazies because they wouldn't tell me i was going to come home.

dave went with me and i tried to bolt a few times, but he was stronger and so was the second ems guy who was standing guard.

they say i definatly need something changed with my meds. around 2am we were allowed to come home. i don't want to do anything today. i'm exshausted. poor dave still had to go to work. in anycase i'm not in the nut house and i'm down one friend and my last parent.

on the flip side. yesterday was great. i cleaned house. i made my tools for coping poster. i called mhmr for an apt to get someone to watch over my meds. apparently the last time i saw them that should have been done and it wasn't so i have to go back this morning. i called finally to get set up with some kind of support group...they are going to call me back. i talked to lots of friends yesterday...just trying to reach out and remind myself there is something called hope for me. dave took me out for driving lessons in his car. and i got one part time job for sure and a second i'm sure i'll have tonight after the group interview. i'll fill ya in on that later.

both places i've worked before and both of my old supervisers still work at each place so it was a sinch. they have an idea of what's going on so if it becomes too much of a strain at either place they will work with me. they are the only two places i can honestly say i loved working and many of the people i worked with or who worked for me are still there so that will make things easier and more fun.

i have high hopes for them. i should start both in a week or two.

granted today i feel like the past few weeks have been a waste now. getting up this morning i feel the same as i did the first day i came home...to here. no progress made, same anger of betrayal, and frustration and rage.

who knows, maybe today holds a surprise for me yet.

nostrals still above water...blue

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