bluefairee's Journal: thoughts o' the day

i don't know what happened to me to make me crack. i used to be so strong. today is hitting me so hard. it's a gorgeous day out and every thought in my head is the opposite. i keep telling myself this isn't happening to me. this didn't happen. i'm just visiting and i'm going home soon. then i KNOW that this is real. this is my life. these things and thoughts are real.

today all i see is red. actually all i'm thinking about is red. the color of my blood. if you are reading this then you already know what happened the other night. today is a gazillion times worst. dub. had to go to the doc. today and i went with him. i'm trying to use my 'coping' skills. :( i'm not upset with him or anything. i just feel bad for him. i woke up this morning and the first thought into my mind was to go and get a knife and start the cutting. this time i really do want to paint the house in blood. my blood. keep in mind this is NOT a past tense thought. it's been there since 9am. i want to bleed so badly i can taste it. feel the blood running down my arms. all of it. just to let it be everywhere and then lay down and let it bath me so i'm soaked to the bone. the horrible part (as if that's not bad enough) is i'm not afraid. not nervous. just wanting it sooooooooo badly i've had to spend the whole day so far outside to stay away from them.

dub.s b-day is on sat. he shouldn't have to deal with me. he shouldn't have to wonder if i'm 'feeling' oke. that makes me even more upset. i don't want this for my life. i don't want these for my thoughts, but this is what i have and i hate it. in a sick way i also want it. i want to hurt, i want the pain, i want the rage. i just want it all to finally come up and get out of me. in the mean time i've got to figure out how to do it without killing myself or seriously injuring myself. there is so much of it i can't believe that it's possible.

the rest of my thoughts are focused on a certain someone dub's been IMing with. he finally met her. today i've been waiting to her to IM him and for me to be there instead. the things i want to say to her and tell her what i think of her or beyond horrible. i don't want to be here and yet i am. i don't want to share him with anyone and yet i don't want much of his attention. everything in me is at conflict with each other. it makes me feel insane. is this what drives people insane? if so, then i'm not too far from being totally gone. i'm mad. i'm completly and utterly going mad.

dub. keeps telling me he's holding on to me because he knows this is not me. that the true blue wants to live and loves life. if that's true then where the hell is she. who am i and where the fuck did i come from? how do i get back there? how do i get back home? maybe this is home. my new home. my new home where there is no blue. a home where blue did die that monday night almost 4 weeks ago. that's what it feels like. blue is dead and i'm the shell of crap that's been left behind to learn how to fend for myself. the ugliness that blue would never let others see, because she knew what i could do. what i would do.

yes, insanity. that's what this all is. a waking nighmare of going slowy and painfully insane. a nightmare. my new life. my new home. insanity with all the gools and goblins from my life eating me alive. forever. forever.

hi blue

[subgeek]

just letting you know i'm still checking in.

the fact that you can speak about your "bad" thoughts without acting on them shows that the bad feelings do not have complete control of you.

i agree with dave that the real you is well and wants to be well. she's inside you. you may not be able to hear her because all of the extra stuff is being so loud right now. but i think if you could quiet the rage and other "bad" feelings down a bit, you'd find you're still there, right where you always were.

please con

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:Once more, into the breach

[andr0meda]

Good stuff, HBI. Couldn't put it better myself.

Blue, have you ever wondered if you are a person requiring more attention than others? I don't mean this negatively, but as a genuine question. Because in that case, what you like is attention, and you can turn that to your advantage. I'm thinking theater.. speeches... that sort of thing.

I understand you're far from feeling up to that sort of stuff a.t.m., but it may be another handle you can use to pull out the sparkling little girl inside that loves li

You didn't die...

[TechnoLust]

because I met the real blue. The blue that hugged me on her first day out of the house and wanted to make sure I was having a good time. I also met the other blue. The blue that sat in the corner and rocked back and forth when Johndiii got out his camera. Right now, you are struggling to find yourself and find reasons to live. You don't want to give up, because you aren't at a place to make an educated decision about that. What you want to avoid is finding someONE to live for. You need to live for yo