Journal phyruxus's Journal: No end, just death 2
No heaven or hell and no reincarnation. The lies and torture and killing will never end. Death is no escape because oblivion offers no sanctuary. The moment lasts forever because an instant and eternity are equal. Misery, pain, regret, doubt. You are me and I am you. Every person is every other person. Justice is the worst mockery, and it never comes until it can defile what it was meant to save. Love is hate wearing a smile. Sick of living? So what? Someone said that dying was the easy way out, for cowards, but even that is too hard. Can't live, can't die, can't live, can't die. Wearing out like an engine full of sand that just can't seize, the Gnostics were right about the universe being evil but there's no deity to blame. There's blame that can never be assigned. We didn't choose this but it's our responsibility. Our task to suffer - not forever, no, if we had forever we might find a way to bear it or escape it. We suffer for a long long time then slip away with no apology or satisfaction. No light anywhere when we finally asphyxiate. All pain is the worst pain. All longing unfulfilled. Conflict, raging conflict that burns the fuel of being.. burning out from the inside unquenchably furious and angry. Die, live, die live die die die live live live, no escape. No compassion. You worthless weak nothing. I should step on your throat but I want you to wallow in total blackness and dehydrate from vomitting and crying, you shallow pathetic failure. You lived more than you should have and now you're going to live even longer, ha ha ha! Live! Don't die, live! That's your curse. Everything you know tells you to give up and you would but you can't because you don't know how, because you're hanging on to a lie that you *know* is a lie because your archaic reptilian hindbrain is too inferior to recognize that it has lost utterly, finally and is trapped in a cage that's too small pressing the food-button, the reward button, the water-button, and all three fire the pain response. You don't learn. You keep sucking down the pain always thinking, not hoping anymore but totally incapable of believing the reality. Pain pain pain. Ha ha ha! You can't even die, the shots keep you alive. Skin on bones, digesting the remains of your brain and organs but still living in a half nightmare with the other half in your sleep. Pain and perception. There's no words for this. Depression is miles above you, the experiment is probing reaches of your being that haven't been exercised for a billion years when simple animals squirmed in mud while being eaten alive by their sister organisms. There is no end, no punishment, no salvation, no rebirth anew. Your life lasts forever because you only experience while alive, the oblivion, the reward, you never get there like Zeno's paradoxical runner. You know how low I am, that I'm just dragging you down. You don't give a shit and neither should you. I wouldn't help you, I'd kick you as I pass just like you do to me. We deserve the pain because.. we're here. Pain is existence. No energy to hate or fear, no love no hope and no forgiveness. All consuming mind devouring god hating self targeting useless endless pain. And this pain isn't even the worst. Others suffer much more. How dare I-you-we breathe a word about our pain, this un numbable pain, which is only on millionth of one trillionth of the pain of the person SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, who has two kids or none, who has parents with cancer or gravestones and who cares about their pain either? Fuck everyone. Especially me, for saying anything to break the tranquility of the shared lie that everything is fine, God is REAL, Love solves everything, wars can be won, the enemy is evil, democracy works, and we have only ourselves to blame. Fuck "fuck". Kill "kill". Die, "die". I'm annihilating right now. Still no change. The one thing that deserves punishment goes unpunished like a KKK rally in Missouri. Love your neighbor (but that's a joke). Have no gods before me (except money, power, casual hate). Honor thy mother and father (even if they beat you and spit on you and starve you they know everything and you'll always be NOTHING compared to mommy or daddy). Worship no false idols, except THIS one. Don't covet (fucking ha! I made a funny).
Give up. You never tried and you never will. Give up and die so someone else can move in, get bitter and give up in the same place a hundred million people have suffered worse than you and died ON THE SAME SPOT, with their skeletons buried and dug up and kicked into garbage. Die like a native american being killed by a settler because - because the settler can! Die in a group in front of a machine gun and fall still dying into the mass grave you just dug before the SS Nazi charges your family for the bullets that are still hot in you chest, your face, your throat. Die like a perfect lifelong saint who realizes in the last fleeting second that religion is merely a metaphor for the young, that the eternal reward expected and earned is nowhere to be given or taken. Hate God, Curse God, Defile and Blaspheme God, and still only silence and pain and death.
HATE HATE HATE HATE. HATE ME.
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