bluefairee's Journal: what now?

and so it comes to this. my dogs are gone. dead. both of them. i let them go. i drove them to the place that put them down.

i made it thru the day. i'm not sure how. going home to a completly empty house was absolutely horrid. i finished a book i was reading and then took every book i owned and sold them. i have a few left...the ones bailey ate.

i thought i was past this. i'd made the decision to live, but i didn't realize what for until now. i've never felt so completly and utterly hollow in my life. pain, i've felt a hundred times over. lonliness too. hate, animosity, you name it i've felt it. but to feel nothing. nothing at all. this is new.

i've been spending all my time wondering what i would do with myself when i came home. when i switched jobs. when... when is now. now i don't care. i couldn't leave before. what would happen to my dogs? a small and maybe unimportant question if one truely does want to die, but it was mine. so here i am and they are not. i'm not needed anywhere by anyone anymore.

want is not the question. i'm not so full of it to believe that i will not be missed. i know i'm loved. i also know that the sun will rise in the morning just as surely as i will not. there is nothing here i want. nothing. i've never been a big fan of doing things just because others thought it best. i have to decide for myself. for myself i decide there is nothing here i want.

as i sit here thinking about life, i'm searching my mind for anything that would keep me here. *sigh* i find nothing.

to those who have been so kind to lend me your ear, i thank you. i wish you the best in life. i hope you are happy and fulfilled unlike i've been able to do in my 30 years.

thanks again

Blue

I wish I knew

[The FooMiester]

I wish I knew what to say, but I've never been good at talking to people. I guess that's why I'm here.

You've got my AIM name, I'll be home around 4:00pm edt.

If you've forgotten, it's "Goimir"

Don't do any stupid things...

[jawtheshark]

...and besides: you will be missed, I was skimming through my 55++ slashdot messages and said "hey, bluefairie posted a journal entry, that's long ago". Then I clicked to read: I rarely do this because I have so much less time left.

So, yes, people will miss you... In some way or another, evey human being that dies leaves a hole in the lives of others.

grief and self-monitoring

[SolemnDragon]

You know what?

Grief plays hell with self-monitoring.

So does depression.

The reason people get help is not because they don't want to die, but because they realise that the systems doing the reporting aren['t functioning properly.

And yours AREN'T.

In six months, AFTER getting some help and treatment and playing along to actually treat the neurochemistry that's leaving you thinking that there are no options, if you STILL think- and i mean think- that this is a valid option, well, i'll concede that you mayb

Re:grief and self-monitoring

[TechnoLust]

Listen to Sol, and the very fact that you posted this AND that you are LOOKING for reasons tell me you want to live. It's ok to feel hollow, it's ok to feel unfulfilled, it's ok to be sad. It's not ok to give up because of all that. If you can afford to, travel for a bit and see some of the world. If you can't afford it right now, throw yourself into work for a while with the goal of saving money for a trip. You'd be surprised what the addition of goals in ones life can do for your self esteem.

the rest of you can ignore this, I feel exposed

[N473]

When you get out, look me up: YIM & AIM -- misfitsfan76. I had three attempts in the last five months, all ODs. One landed me in the hospital and a week and a half in a psychiatric hospital. I have realized some things since. I am here if you want to talk, I understand hollow, the nothing, the feeling going in and coming out.

I sympathize

[ryanr]

I had to put my dog down a couple of years ago. It was rather sudden with her, in a fairly short period of time she couldn't walk or eat anymore.

All I can say is that I haven't stopped being sad when I miss her, but it's not a daily thing now.

Sorry to join the serenade outside but..

[andr0meda]

..just go out in the morning or in the evening. Just stand in the shimmering darkness and look up into the sky. Look at the beauty of the silhouets of the shapes, look at the stars, look at the cloud formations..

You've seen it all before, right? It's nothing like those National Geographic docu's that bring an impossibly rich and beautifull story about animal life, right?

Well, I know this sounds incredibly phoney, but those too-good-to-be-true places you see on tv do really exist. And they exist, even

Eeek

[LPetrazickis]

No wonder I can't get laid. You women keep killing yourselves. Oy. Seriously, have you ever considered the fact that Leo matters? That the world revolves around Leo? That Leo is the most important person in the world? Well, do Leo... err, do me a favour and live, mkay? Leo is worth it.

Re:Eeek

[Ethelred Unraed]

Leo is worth it.

Yes he is. Almost as worth it as I am, objectively speaking of course.

Be well, peace and life never sucks as much as you think it does.

Cheers,

Ethelred

. . . --- that is not a valid subject

[The FooMiester]

bluefairee, could you respond to one of the messages so we know you're OK? I'm kinda worried 'bout ya.