CyberKnet's Journal: Happy, Smiling, Crying, Upwards To My Past

When I was a child, christmas was a time to look forward to. Every year I would anticipate putting up the christmas tree even as December 1st rolled around. With every day that passed, another twinkle would appear in my eye, and the zest that defined every minute seemed to just grow stronger and stronger. When I was a child... Now it seems that with every day that goes by, I just seem closer to another day. There is no holiday cheer, there are no twinkles, and certainly, it would appear, there is just no zest left. What happened that could so permanently scar me?

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  I'm not completely sure, but i have a feeling it has something to do with the difference between the first world haves and the first world have nots. Without a doubt, I was a lucky child. I will never dispute this. I grew up with a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back and a set of loving parents. This on its own is much more than a lot children can ever expect. But we did it tough.
As the years moved on, my eyes saw just how tough my parents did it. Throughout every christmas season, they would strive and toil to hide the difference between us and the other kids at school, whom mostly had well-to-do parents, and money seemingly falling out of their pockets. Indeed, my parents did an admirable job sheltering me... but it may be that exact same reason that now shies me away from christmas completely. It is an undesirable time of the year. I dont wish to recall seeing their toils, troubles, trials and pain. And maybe that's selfish. Yes, I know that that is selfish, they tried so hard to hide it from me. The did it FOR me. You might even argue that THAT is the spirit of christmas in its purest form. But to remember everything they went through, for me... that's not desirable.

Then again, maybe that's not the reason at all. I know several families who are doing it just as hard as my family and I ever did. And every year they look forward to christmas with gleaming eyes, getting excited over the smallest things. Are they just naive, and cant see the sadness of it all? I dont think so. They know exactly how sad it can be, they live it every day. What then drives these people to such happiness?

I can only believe that it boils down to pure simplicity. And by that I dont mean that they are simple people, only that they take joy in the simplicity of Christmas. Its not about recognising pain to achieve a goal. Its not even about enduring pain to achieve a goal. It has to be about living FOR the goal, in some way or other.

This christmas, I believe, will be quite a hingeing time in my life. On one side, I have a lived a life of sad christmasses, and on the other, I have shared some of the happiest times of my life amidst that sadness. The answer has to be finding that happiness. Moving back to simplicity, and enjoying every minute for what it is: Another second time around, over and over.