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Journal blazin's Journal: An open letter to my daughter 17

Journal by blazin

Warning: This JE is likely to contain the words and descriptions of "poo", "poop", and other derivatives many times. If these words offend you or gross you out, I recommend not reading any further.

Dear Joey,

I understand being a baby is rough. Everything is new, stuff is changing all the time, especially you, and it is hard to get used to all the rules.

Speaking of changing, I don't mind changing your diaper when you need it changed and do it happily. I don't mind changing it even when you've pooped. It's ok. Everyone poops. It's natural. It's a good thing. I just ask this one thing of you:

Poop when you need to or want to. Please don't hold it all in. I understand that being stripped down and wiped off with a wet wipe multiple times per day may not be on the tip of your fun scale, but it is far better for all of us than the alternative. What is the alternative you ask? How about holding it all in for several days until you just can't hold it in any more and then letting it all out.

Now granted, I haven't been a firsthand witness to every time, being that I missed the most recent one, but you seem to be developing a pattern. The first time you did it we were worried and thought you might be constipated or sick or worse, and even though you, at a mere 7 lbs, managed to completely fill your diaper right before your check-up, we asked the doctor to make sure everything was ok. He assured us that it was indeed ok and you were looking just fine.

The next time was just a few nights ago at my parents' house while you were being held by a friend and neighbor of my parents. The sounds and noises you made were quite amusing and everyone around was very encouraging -- perhaps too encouraging -- in your efforts to poo. What I saw next will forever be etched into my mind.

It was a literal river of poo completely filling your diaper from front to back, and side to side. Thank goodness for the little blue leg flaps, or it could have been a real mess. Fifty or sixty wipes later you were all clean and no worse for wear, although I suspect you may have lost a pound or two. That was as bad as I thought it could get. Alas I was much mistaken.

I just received a phone call from my wife, your mother, about what she had been doing for the last 30-45 minutes. I admit I must have nearly laughed my head off as she described the events that occurred, although this was probably because I was at work and not at home at the time of the "incident". I'd like to record it here so you will know what your mother had to take care of for your because you apparently don't like pooping on a regular basis.

Apparently your mommy was talking on the phone to her mother, your grandma, and feeding you when you started to strain and make noises. That's about when she noticed that it was becoming a bit odoriferous and that maybe, unlike most of the other false alarms we have so often, this was the real thing and not just some more farts-of-extraordinary-effort.

That's when she noticed, and screamed. Apparently size 1 diapers, although rated for up to 14 pounds were a disappointment. I'd estimate you weigh only about 8 pounds or so at this point, which by logical extension and heavy use of my math degree would leave about six pounds of "space" available for anything you could dish out. Again utililizing my advanced math skills of subtraction, I'd have to note that if six pounds of something came out of you, you should only weigh about two pounds afterwards. Since this is obviously not the case and you still must weigh at least 4 or 5 pounds (estimating), then it is thus far a mystery as to how you were able to only weigh 8 pounds, and produce what must be about six pounds of poo, yet you still weigh almost the same. Does your diet somehow contain bits of dark matter, a pound of which weights ten thousand pounds?

Anyway, back to your mommy and you. As I said earlier, you were being fed, happily eating and pooping while mommy was talking. When she hung up she noticed that the pink boppy cover (boppy is a c-shaped foam pillow used to help hold the baby when she's being fed) was now orange. That's probably when the scream occurred. So you, the boppy and mommy went upstairs and noticed that you had exceeded the maximum structural load limit of your diaper and now poo had escaped all over your onesie (baby clothes) down your legs and up your back.

The first order of business was to extract you from your clothing so cleaning could commense. Due to the engineering of a onesie, this would involve scissors, or the moving of the onesie up and over your head. This action resulted in poo being spread into your hair. It also didn't make you too happy and your flailing made sure that the disposable diaper changing pad would need to be disposed of when this was all over.

A combination of the events above was why you got an unscheduled bath. It was all for your own good.

Anyway, I'd like to wrap this up and say one more thing. Please, please, please, poo whenever you need to or feel you need to, or want to, but don't hold it in. Each time I saw what had transpired, I was in shock and thought there was no possible way that it could be any worse, and each time you've shown me how wrong I was.

Love,

Daddy

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An open letter to my daughter More

An open letter to my daughter

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  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
  • Why I am putting off having kids as long as possible

    Did anybody else's parents yell "don't talk back to me - I wiped your ass!" during fights? Just curious....

    /Hopes MrsVR doesn't see this comment

    • She's totally worth it... and the sleepless nights... and the sore back... and the getting peed on.

      I don't know anyone who has yelled that during a fight, but I'll try to remember to.
      • It might be fun to have a kid that I could kick around
        Create in my own image like a god
        I'd raise my own pallbearers to carry me to my grave
        And keep me company when I'm a wizened toothless clod

        Some gibbering old fool sitting all alone drooling on his shirt
        Some senile old fart playing in the dirt
        It might be fun to have a kid I could pass something on to
        Something better than rage, pain, anger and hurt

        "Beginning of a Great Adventure"
        Lou Reed
  • We never had this particular thing happen, though there were some pretty full diapers, at times.

    Oh, and file this for 10-15 years in the future. When she says that you and/or her mother are embarrassing her, pull out the link and say something like, "Honey, you don't know embarrassing!" It might also work for discouraging boyfriends (though probably only the shallow ones), should that ever become necessary. :-)
  • Is this a breastfed baby? If so, then you're lucky. If not, then you have my sympathy. Also, I'm wondering because breastmilk is more laxative than formula.

    Still, at a month old, this sounds pretty familiar. I remember LOTS of diapers getting filled up past capacity, waaaaay up the back of the onesie.

    Sorry I missed the arrival and all (can't believe there's a baby I missed!) Belated congratulations. :-)

    ....Bethanie....
    • It is a breastfed baby. I've heard with formula they poo less since they get constipated more easily. From what we've read she should go 3-5 times per day, but lately it's been more like 1 time every 3-5 days... So doing the math, it's probably about 9-25 times more poo than usual.

      Thank you :)
      • Yes, formula-fed babies are much more easily constipated. But what's more -- it stinks WAY worse than breastfed baby poop does. You won't be able to appreciate the difference until she starts eating solids. Phew. Man. Makes me *really* glad mine is finally potty trained!

        If you've gotten checked out with the doctor to rule out physical problems (and it sounds like there really aren't any -- once she goes, she goes), then I think you might just chalk this up to personal preferences. Some babies poop 10 ti
        • I been told the same thing about the poo smell. We were told that breast-fed baby poo didn't smell at all but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm sure it's much less potent than formula poo though.

          As for the washcloths, I'm not sure how my wife would feel about doing loads of laundry with excessive poo on them. I'm well aware some poo goes through the laundry now with the clothes Joey stains and with the stuff the ferrets stain, but as far as adding a significant amount of poo to the laundry... I dun
  • that was great man.

    This is as Sam said, definitely a keeper.

  • HA! (Score:1)

    by hubersan ( 67719 )
    Holy crap man... (bad pun) Be sure to remind me of this once we have ours.. :)
    • The key to most changings is to make sure the time between removal of the dirty diaper and replacing it with a clean one is minimized. The child will capitalize on any gaps in time where there is no diaper.
  • what is "joey" short for? forgive me if this has been explained recently. i either forgot or missed it entirely.

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