Fux the Penguin's Journal: Stronger Solutions

My post attached to Minnesota Senator Says Email Tax Might Reduce Spam:

I think many on Slashdot will agree with me that this proposal is, essentially, unimplementable. The SMTP protocol simply isn't designed to interface into some kind of online micropayment transaction system to make everybody pay their tax. That said, I'm very pleased to see a member of Congress acting proactively on the issue of spam (i.e., unsolicited email, not the delicious lunch meat).

I guess the problem with Mr. Dayton's approach is, it doesn't go far enough. You can't very well force everyone to change their mail servers over to a system with the transaction processing software in it. On the other hand, the government has got to DO SOMETHING, as no one is interested in lower mortgage or nubile young coeds willing to "bare it all!" for you. Therefore, the only logical option to stop spam (i.e., unsolicited email) is to consolidate the email facilities of the United States. Perhaps we need the creation of a Department of Internet Security.

Imagine, if you will, an underground labyrinth of servers, all secure .NET enabled heavy iron monsters, guarded by severe-looking men with machine guns, and laser-wielding robots. Every email account in the United States will be routed through these machines, and sophisticated genetic algorithms will filter out any messages containing the words "penis enlargement," "exciting timeshare opportunities," and "URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR AID IN AN EMERGENCY BUSINESS TRANSACTION." Keep in mind, privacy advocates, as an added bonus, this system could spell the end for hated systems like Carnivore (or whatever they're calling it these days) because, with every email server consolidated in a secret underground lab in New Mexico, there's no need to monitor your local ISPs traffic. It's a win-win. As an added bonus, this system could very well stop terrorists in their tracks. Just imagine the look on poor Ahmed's face when DIS (Department of Internet Security) stormtroopers burst through the door of his flat, guns blazing, after intercepting his "Dear Osama, the attacks begin at dawn" email.

Truly, there is no downside to this plan. I urge all /.'ers to write their congressmen immediately, and say, with one clear voice, "URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR LEGISLATIVE ACTION: Please stop Osama from acquiring penis enlargement, such that he may steal our nubile young coeds willing to bare it all at the luxurious timeshare condominium financed with a low, low interest rate!" Think of the children, people.

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My entirely reasonable proposition has been rejected by the Slashbot masses. For shame.