by JWSmythe (446288) Friend of a Friend
It was e- and cyber... But to make some people with bigger budgets feel better, they were enterprise. Solutions were great. They could have their own solution to sell to someone else, or if they didn't want to go through the work, they could find someone else with a solution. Now they want to be in the cloud, with their enterprise cloud solutions. Of course, this is the logical progression to outsourcing to offshore 3rd party solutions. Too many words. "Cloud" fits them all.
Are you cloud compatible? Cloud compliant? Don't you do all your work in the cloud?
On so many occasions, I've had to decrypt what the buzzword of the day was for senior and middle management. They'd say enterprise cyber e- solution in the cloud. I'd ask "What the fuck do you mean?" Their answers are always the same. "Enterprise will give us sustainably, grow with our needs forever, and give us the perfect solution." Cyber, "e-", solution, and cloud, are usually answered with grumbles, some magic hand waiving and assurances that it's everything we've ever needed, wanted, and we can have it for just $19.95/mo. Of course, that $19.95/mo becomes $1,000/mo very quickly.
Then the deciphering come into play.
cyber? e-? Those mean that you use a computer to use them. You guys are *still* throwing that around like it's some new thing.
solution? It's a sales package. A product. A little something that will give you something. My electric toothbrush isn't a dental hygiene cyber solution. It's a fucking toothbrush.
And finally "cloud". It's a server that you don't own, don't have privileged access to, and most likely when shit hits the fan, I won't be able to help you.
So they'll go with their enterprise cyber e-cloud solution. A few months later, I hear the shreaks. "Oh my god, my mail is down!" Ya, you have someone else running it. Call them. Oh, they lost everything when their storage crashed? Well, not much I can do. I ran equipment *here*. I ran equipment in *our* datacenter. I could try to recover it, if it was on *our* equipment. Since it's not, I hope you kept a copy. Oh. You didn't. You're shit out of luck then, aren't you?
But we have the cloud solution for file storage. Their site has a message saying they just went out of business. How do I get my files? Well, you don't. You and all their customers are shit out of luck. Would it have been nice if we had the files on *our* servers, in *our* datacenter, with *our* tape backups. What would you like me to do for you?
But they made a change the the cloud accounting interface! We need some functionality that they removed! OH my god, it's a disaster! Save us!
Ya, remember all that magic hand waving, and assurances that the buzzword of the day will always save your ass? Remember I tried to be the sane one? You've spent enough with that outsourced abortion in the last year to put in a new set of servers to handle all of it, every month. You've wasted a metric fucktonne of cash, and I tried to tell you it was a mistake. It was a mistake. You see it now. I can't roll back the clock and undo the last year of managerial fuckups that you've done. You pulled executive privilege on me. There's nothing I can do to undo that. I can get you started again. It will take some time, and long hours. Remember when I said outsourcing accounting to the 3rd party was a mistake. It was. Now your accounting group will have to manually recreate all the accounts in a new system. Those emails that you just lost? Well, they're gone. Live with it. And all those files on the 3rd party server that's gone? Those are long gone. I don't care how important they were to you, your customers, your wife, or your cat. I don't, nor ever did, have access to them.
If a managerial type person ever reads this, they're going to ignore it like it's the random rantings of an IT guy.. Print it out for them. Tell them that they are making a mistake. Hang it on your wall, so you'll remember it's there. When their e-cyber-cloud clusterfuck falls apart, show it to them again.