imroy's Journal: That's it, I'm outta here

When things turn weird, the weird turn pro

You'd never believe what's happening in my household. Let me update you. Natashas parents finally left yesterday evening. I was relieved because I thought they changed the dynamic of the house for the worse. I was looking forward to maybe spending some more time with Tash, at least talking some more. She drove them to the airport, but who did she come back with? Harry. Oh, that's the name of her ex. The one that's cheated on her, stolen from her, and done numerous other things to her. I figured it was a little silly simply referring to him in the abstract when I give everybody elses names out.

I had a quick talk to Natasha this evening and asked what was happening with Harry. She said they were getting back together. I was speachless. I just could not believe that she would do something like that. And she seemed happy! She was smiling, like she was happy to be back together with him. My speech faltered and I had trouble talking. I sometimes have trouble talking with Natasha because she'll say something that I don't expect or understand, and it throws a spanner in what I'm trying to say. I told her I could not understand how she could be getting back together with Harry and she responded by asking if I needed to understand.

I've lived with Natasha for almost 5 years now, and Harry has been there for most of that time. He has repeatedly screwed up. Too many times, I've seen him do something bad to Tash, they have a fight or even split for a little while, and then they get back together again. Each time it gets worse, and I wonder if this will be the final straw that breaks them up for good. At first they were just small disagreements or fights that are considered "normal" in any relationship. Mind you, I've never been in a relationship myself and the only one I've really seen up close is theirs.

But a year or so ago, they got worse. At the end of May he took quite a bit of money out of her account without asking, in order to pay some debt. That's stealing, and a serious breach of trust I might add. I thought that would be enough to see him gone. But no, I don't think it even made a very big dent. A few nights of "discussion" and then that was it. Then about the middle of last year Harry spent three months in India (he's Indian). Their relationship had been rocky when they left but when he got back they were back on again. That is, for about 10 days. She found evidence that Harry had gotten engaged when he was in India. Not only was he trying to carry on the two relationships (no doubt milking Natasha's generous nature for all he could), but he even ran up a $500 telephone bill on Natashas phone ringing the other girl in India. That finally seemed to be the big one. He was kicked out, all of his stuff gone. That was it, I thought it was settled.

But now he's back and I think I've had too much. I'm emotionally attached to Natasha and it pains me to see her accepting someone who (in my opinion) is scum and just plain trouble. I'm seriously considering moving out. Tash said something about "we both have our own lives" like she thought I was interferring , so perhaps I should just leave them. I might be able to find a place close by, otherwise I can just go home to my parents. I've resisted that for a while now, but anything is better than this torture. For years I always feared that I would leave here a "failure" - not being able to find work. I never thought it would come to this.

Out of there

[bellus quies]

Maybe it's a *really* good idea that you've come up with. You might be in just as vicious a cycle as Natasha is in. Just as she is unaware of / in denial of her problem, perhaps for you there is an equivalent that exists, that you cannot see. Maybe moving will be a more advantageous decision in the long run, than you even know. It is difficult to let the familiar go and forge into the unknown, but it is possible.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Re:Out of there

[Flamesplash]

Again bellus, very insightful. Do you come of this intuition naturally or have you been through much in your life? You seem a bit young to have been through too much.

perhaps for you there is an equivalent that exists, that you cannot see

For me it's odd timing that you mention this. It's something that for some reason entered my thought process yesterday, perhaps it was part of some TV show, and it opened up a little bit of understanding for me I think we often forget.

Re:Out of there

[bellus quies]

Again bellus, very insightful. Do you come of this intuition naturally or have you been through much in your life? You seem a bit young to have been through too much.

First, thank you. And to answer your question, I'd say it's a bit of both. I came a cross a comment yesterday in my net wanderings: that it is easy to read people; you just need to know yourself. I've always been an observer, a listener, and sensitive to those things. But, it seems like these last 5 years I've grown in ways that it is eas

Hmmm

[Flamesplash]

I want to say that this is simply a problem for some women. While this situation is not necessarily abusive, abused women will eventually seek out abusers even subconsciously. So maybe she is just blinded by whatever this guy does have to offer to see that it's not a good idea. Then again for all any of us know, they talked a lot and he ( on his own ) decided to turn around because he lost her. :/

Re:Hmmm

[imroy]

I've thought for a while that this has similarities to battered wife syndrome, where wives/girlfriends keep going back to the guy that hurts them. Of course, there's no violence in Natsha's relationship with Harry. I just think that it's just a good analogy in this case.

The trouble is that he's actually a nice guy to talk to. This has even caused troubles for me! But I just can't stand the way he treats Natasha. He no doubt turned on the charm and made up all sorts of excuses and promises to get himself

Gender Roles?

[Flamesplash]

Well I don't think men are absolved of problems in relationships, just in this case Tasha may have an unknown problem, where the guy seems to have a well known one.

From what I gather, some women even like being controlled.

Well I think the stereotype is that women in some sort of way want to be taken care of which requires some subservance, though I don't think it has to be unhealthy.

I think historically psycologically this would follow too. Men are hunters and gathers they find food make fire etc.., W

Re:Gender Roles?

[bellus quies]

I guess this is really a question for women. Do women on some level want to be controlled?

There is some part that wants to be taken care of. To be able to be completely vulnerable and know that this one person has everything taken care of. There are many different levels to this; mental, emotional, physical, ect.

But also on some level, for me, I want to be able to not need someone to take care of me. For instance, if some guy was hassling me, and there was no way but to fight (of course I would try

Re:Hmmm

[bellus quies]

Of course, there's no violence in Natsha's relationship with Harry.

Abuse does not allways have to be physical. It's just that a bruise is more apparent than a broken spirit.

From what I gather, some women even like being controlled.

Parhaps in some instances, but it's better when control is given and not taken.

Gender vs. roles

[perfessor multigeek]

I'ld have to say, from what I've seen and read, that the susceptability to and seeking of relationships that create abuse is far from female only. In fact, as time has passed, the centers, mostly created by members of the women's movement, for victims of abuse to seek refuge and counseling have increasingly started providing services, first to lesbians, then to gay men, and increasingly to straight men. Abuse is done by men and women, gay and straight, abuse patterns are repeated by men and women, gay and s

Re:Gender vs. roles

[imroy]

Wow, thanks perfessor. Yours is by far the longest reply I've ever had to a journal entry. There's so much in there that I don't know where to start when responding.

I don't know if I'd go so far as classifying their relationship as being abusive. They've had their troubles over the years. Last year Harry did some monumentally bad/stupid things and I thought that it was finally all over. I was just so flabergasted that Tash has seemingly forgiven him and wants him back. Perhaps I am exaggerating things.

Re:Gender vs. roles

[perfessor multigeek]

Re the entry, you're most welcome. Thanks for spelling "perfessor" right.

When it comes to abusive, well, as usual, bellus quies nailed it. I would define abusive as repeatedly hurtful in a pattern that a.) demonstrates awareness on the part of the person inflicting the pain and b.) where that pain is not an unavoidable/unintended outgrowth of exogenous factors (such as the person causing the pain having a life-threatening job that brings fear upon the lover).
By that definition, Harry is abusive. The situa