IZN0GUD's Journal: My experience of 9/11 and its aftermath

Hello, reader.
I felt the need to share my experience of 9/11, my thoughts and my observations. Tenth anniversary of attack seemed like good moment to go back in memories and write them down.
First off, let me tell you about myself, who am I, where do I come from, and what is my perspective.
I am from Sarajevo, capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina. Sarajevo was the city under the siege, from 1992. to 1995. Unfortunately, I've spent all that time in sieged city. I was 15 when war begun and I was refugee in my own city. I never fired a gun in my life, and I was never a member of any army. OTOH, life in the city under the siege has shown me how does death look like, how quickly and stupidly one can get killed, with no fault but just being in the wrong place on the wrong moment. I also learned that people should help each other in shitty times and not to refer to the color of skin, first or last name, age or gender.
At the time of WTC attacks I was 24 years of age, an international student who just came to the States several months ago. Actually, I came to New York City to study, in January 2001, and have gone to Hunter College, trying to support (pay for) my studies through work. Being an international student meant I was not allowed to work legally, so I have had to find other means to get cash. In the summer 2001., a friend of mine who left for a two month vacation back home left me his job. I was temporary doorman on East 82nd and 1st Ave. I was working night shift between September 10th and 11th and I was supposed to go off the work at 7am. However, my replacement was late for about half an hour. When I got off the work, I took no. 6 train to 59th street, than changed to N train, to go to Queens where I lived. I was renting a room just across the East River, in Astoria. Quick commute to my college and cheaper rooms than in Manhattan were the main reason I lived there.
It was already quarter to nine by the time my train got to the Queensboro plaza. Even though there is a lot of noise on the subway station and from the streets under the station, I have heard very very loud explosion. I was baffled by it - it sounded like mortar shell hitting real close - reminded me instantly of the days I spent in Sarajevo. Later on I realized that there is a line of sight between lower Manhattan and Queensboro plaza, and train stop being above the street level is probably why we were able to hear explosion at all. I arrived home minutes later where my roommate was watching TV, I came in time to watch second plane hit the second building. We went via fire escape up to the roof and took pictures with my roomie's SLR camera - skyscrapers were burning and thick black smoke was filling the skies above Manhattan. We went downstairs and watched CNN only to see both towers going down, minutes later.
It was like living a nightmare. There was no information who attacked NYC, why and nobody was sure how. Many thoughts went through my head and I started evacuation planning - only thing I was sure is that I did not want to get stuck into another war, no matter what. By the midday, my mom managed to get phone call through and find out I was OK, she was also scared for me. I shall not go into the detail of my paranoia on that day, luckily by the afternoon it was known WTC was a terrorist attack and not initiated by hostile country - I am sure that security cover was removed and president's finger was on the big red button, ready to unleash nuclear hell towards the attackers, if it the attack was originated by some government.
Tomorrow, we went to Manhattan. I wanted to donate blood for the injured citizens, like I did before in Sarajevo siege - I did not know any other way how to contribute to my fellow New Yorkers. After that, roomie and me went to the WTC site to see what happened. We could not approach site itself, but we made few circles around the block, Trinity Plaza and Church Street, and went to the Battery park. Streets were gray, covered with dust. There were some shop windows broken and in the immediate vicinity of WTC everything was closed.
However, when you would move two streets away from WTC, all stores were open. From small delis and bodegas, and going backwards to the mid-Manhattan - even Macy's was open for shoppers. Schools went on with the schedule, others went to work as it was the regular day. This is the part of the 9/11 that bothers me the most. I am not bothered that much by the terrorist attack, of by the U.S. Government's actions - those are things little man has no influence over. What hunts me over the years is the relationship of New Yorkers towards the victims of WTC attack, and their ignorance for the pain and sorrow, sadness and evil that happened day before. As I said, as the little man I did not know anything else but to offer my own blood to fellow citizens in distress, as I did back in the times when my own city was under the siege, and also as I did donate blood when my birth town of Mostar was needing it. It was a symbolic and practical gesture of someone who survived shitty and bloody times.
After ten years, in my heart remains one sentiment: I resent my fellow New Yorkers for not closing their stores not even for a day, for keeping the business running. They have their capitalism deeply rooted in their hearts, they did not have decency to close shops for two-three days, for respect of the victims. OK, people still need to buy food and groceries, but who in the world would keep retail stores open? Is that almighty buck THAT important, so you cannot afford loosing profit for two days?
I stopped crying in May 1992., when my uncle died. I lost my family members and friends after that, too, but could not cry anymore. I did not cry for WTC victims either, but I felt really sad for lives lost. Neither do my Sarajevans cry, anymore - we have been hurting so much over the period of siege that we all carry our emotions deeply inside. Bunch of psychologists would have a lot to say about PSTD and other problems we carry in our souls, and same applies to New Yorkers. But - who will comment on economic aspects of 9/11th? Who can explain to me capitalism and such behavior - not closing a single store in the aftermath of such tragedy, the first attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor? I still do not understand that. Perhaps that is the biggest anthropological difference I found between Americans and other people I've met through my life is that in America almighty dollar should never be neglected, not for a single day, not for one hour. Mourning can be postponed for times after the shift, but you cannot close your store for any reason, even if three thousand people died yesterday.
I do not know how to close this story and what to tell you, so many questions roam through my head, and that one shall probably remain unanswered forever - where is the heart in the capitalist society? Is it in dollar only?