Journal Nyarly's Journal: Weakness 9
A week from now will be my two year aniversary with my current girlfriend. We've been living together since she moved cross country to be with me. But for more than a year now, there have been serious ongoing problems. It really comes down to a series of idiocyncrocies and shortcomings that build into a malestrom of negative reinforcement. Of course I think that my idiocyncrocies and shortcomings are completely balanced and reasonable, and that hers are the result of severe fucked-up-edness. Part of the real trouble is that she thinks the same thing: that I'm reasonable, and she's fucked up.
The core issue is one of communication. It's fundamental components are twofold: she's terrified of any rejection, and her natural instinct is to flee conflict. So, rather than ask for something and risk being turned down, she'll bottle the desire up, only to explode later, usually fleeing without explaination or starting pointless arguments. My inclination, then, is to examine my own behavior, to figure out what I've done wrong. The trouble is, often, I haven't done anything but unintentionally remind her of what she's been repressing, and so a stimulus that should mean "something's wrong" doesn't; or rather doesn't really. Result: I numb myself to her outbursts, and ultimately to her entire presence, making the likelyhood of my rejecting her in future increase...
Then, if I see a problem, and bring it up, she bolts. Or, rather, she used to, and is starting again. And when she bolts, it's for another state. There's packing involved. Since I made it clear that this behavior was unacceptable, her compromise is to lash out, to reduce a reasonable argument (i.e. a healthy part of an engaging relationship) to a shouting match. I bring things up less and less as a result.
Things had gotten quite bad. I was planning my weeks around not spending waking hours alone with her. So, Tuesday (delayed mostly by a possibly ill-informed desire to to drop a bomb on Valentine's), we had The Talk. Not that we hadn't had Talks before, but my firm intention was to end things, and I know that came across. So we talked.
And we've continued to talk. I'm just not sure if I really believe there's any use to it. I'm not sure if she's capable of being the person I want to be my one and only. I don't know how much longer I really am prepared to wait for something to change. We made the official check up next Thursday, which is only coincidentally our aniversary. But I don't know how there's going to anything like real change by then.
Lest there be a question: there is much love between us. Otherwise we'd never have lasted this long. If I didn't know that the current state of things was hurting her, it would be far more difficult than it is to even contemplate ending our relationship, because I know the idea hurts her.
So, there it is. Recorded for the public and posterity.
rejection vs difference of opinion (Score:2)
Not really enough to go on... (Score:2)
Of course I think that my idiocyncrocies and shortcomings are completely balanced and reasonable, and that hers are the result of severe fucked-up-edness. Part of the real trouble is that she thinks the same thing: that I'm reasonable, and she's fucked up.
read like you are something of a domineering egomaniac and that she has been browbeaten into believing that _she's the problem_.
(Look that's how I read it, it is not a personal attack.)
So her lashing out doesn't seem all that odd. If she doesn't actually believe she's the problem (and many people would not) then she's reacting to what she percieves as a _bad_ situation. Further she has probably figured out you'd like to end things and this makes her very defensive. She's got to maintain herself as _the problem_ and defend herself at the same time. This would make many people irritable.
As for her bailing on you, seems less symbolic and more a way of her escaping this odd situation she has herself in with this Lover who has deemed himself perfectly imperfect and herself a fucking mess. And somehow she's AGREED to this and wants a way back to square one. Leaving seems like the sanest thing she can do, lest you end up Bobbitized one morning.
I mean she seems deeply conflicted and your global view of the relationship can't be helping. This is where her outbursts come from. She's trapped.
In any event, you do seem to care deeply for this girl... why not return her dignity and back to square one?
Re:Not really enough to go on... (Score:1)
Well...It wouldn't be the first time I'd been told that, or words to that effect. But, I'm also told "confident" and "self-assured," and I tend to think that these are all descriptions of the same qualities. And, in the final analysis, these are part of what drew her to me in the first place, and keeps her with me even now.
On the flipside, her conviction of her own instability has been longstanding - it was something of a hurdle early on, since she believed that, as a result she couldn't ever participate in a decent relationship. It was tough to get her to see that things could work out - and I suppose that's part of why I have such a hard time with the idea of ending it. I hate to add another exhibit as to why she can't ever be happy.
why not return her dignity and back to square one?
I'm not sure those two situations aren't mutually exclusive. I'm actually extremely dubious that "square one" is an option. It's been discussed, and the problem I see is that the fears and anxieties on both our parts have been built up over two years, and there have been several attempts to demonstrate that we can't easily shed them. If we can recover, it'll be through positive action, not regression.
Re:Not really enough to go on... (Score:2)
Also do not trudge on to "save her" from her inability to be happy. If you care for this person, love this person and have the will to succeed (so to speak) wipe the slate of "blame" and proceed with the intent that not only she_ but _you_ will be happy and _happy together_.
This is not to be taken lightly as this is no trivial task You may not care enough, or have the stamina this requires. Doesn't make a you a bad person, but doing this will bring you closer to "Sainthood"
I'd go into more but that's a whole 900 number thing...
Hmmm... you knew I would reply eventually... (Score:2)
You are responsible for your own happiness. She's responsible for hers. That's just how the world works. But she doesn't seem to be doing a great job of that, and with you continuing to be around her, you don't seem to be doing a great job on your end either.
Now, life isn't all about happiness, admittedly. You know me, and I would tell you it's about serving God and all sorts of other stuff that you don't believe in, so I shall stuff a sock in that part and merely tell you what I think about your situation. I don't think you necessarily need to break up with her. But I do think that your living in separate residences is a good idea. It sounds like she needs time alone to figure out who she is and how to lead a happy life on her own, to become a whole person, and it sounds a bit like you could use the same.
Only whole people do well in relationships. People often mistakenly think that you can just add a half a person and another half a person to get a whole, but you can't. Unfortunately, in relationships these things get multiplied... and you have even less of a person than you started with.
You both, I think, need to take some time off to become whole people. You, so you get whole enough to be an enabler (you have been enabling her to walk around as a half a person) and she, so she can grow and figure out who she is. Then, maybe someday when you both have separate lives and do well together, things can change.
Now, if ANYTHING that I've said here (and I've made a few assumptions) don't follow my advice, b/c I made a mistake in analysis and you can't just be doing something silly b/c I said to. I can't offer advice here with the same certainty that I would if you were TechnoLust, or some other person I know better, but I can try. But like I said, if this doesn't sound right, don't listen to me.
Re:Hmmm... you knew I would reply eventually... (Score:2)
Re:Hmmm... you knew I would reply eventually... (Score:1)
Re:Hmmm... you knew I would reply eventually... (Score:1)
Of course, the distressing part is that if she (or anyone I care about) is unhappy, it gets me down. Not a transferal of responsibility, per se, but certainly a shift in priorities.
You know me, and I would tell you it's about serving God and all sorts of other stuff
It was taken as read already. Your compassion is appreciated. I'm kinda into the happiness and helping others thing, myself. That a five mile high statue of myself somewhere. (Or it's nearest metaphorical equivalent.)
Unfortunately, in relationships these things get multiplied... and you have even less of a person than you started with.
You know, I might be a domineering egomaniac, but I think I just got some wisdom laid on me. Because that's how it feels - I feel diminished, and I feel like she is too. Plus, the simple math of it is appealing.
Honestly, though, I think I'll probably always have problems with being an "enabler." I tend to be very tolerant, very patient, very supportive, and I can't get over thinking of those as positive virtues. Probably, I need to add a "very selective" to the mix.
Re:Hmmm... you knew I would reply eventually... (Score:2)
It is certainly true that someone you know that is down can bring you down, but you can't make a person happy. A person can allow themselves to be cheered up by you, for a time, but if they don't let themselves be, it won't work, and that's only for the short run anyway.
Are you familiar with the way that a market price is figured out... the place where the supply curve meets the demand curve...? Well it kind of works like that for happiness level too. You have an overall happiness curve, based on what can happen, and then you have a circumstance curve that comes down and intersects things. Sometimes circumstances will indicate that a friend is upset, and it will yield a diminished happiness level for the day. But your attitude still reflects that generalized happiness curve that is found within you... that means that you are still healthy.
It sounds a little bit like maybe the messed up thing here is your girlfriend's happiness curve. Because regardless of circumstance, if your curve is ok, you're pretty ok most of the time. And you can probably say that about yourself... most of the time you're pretty ok. Is she?
The only way for things to pick up is if your girlfriend finds reason to fix that curve herself... and perhaps the only way that will happen is if you distance yourself from her. Usually this yields a person who is much more distressed and unhappy in the short run, but if they figure out how to pick things up, they are happier in the long run. You can't fix it for her. And, you can't keep going on as a half a person either. (Well, you CAN... but it isn't pretty....)
Being loving and caring and supportive sometimes means being patient and tolerant from a slightly distanced standpoint, until you are no longer a hindrance to someone's recovery. I'm not saying that's the only way for you and her, but I have to tell you that it IS the only way in MOST situations like this.
I'm really glad that I got to have this conversation with you. I have been feeling a little down lately, just b/c I have the blahs, and this has served to remind me that I have to just pick up and be happy in the face of blech and blah, and get on with my life. It's my responsibility, no one else's, and I have to be a responsible adult about it.
For the record, there are OCCASIONALLY circumstances (but yours isn't one) where you ARE responsible for someone else's happiness. If you have children, you have a certain responsibility for their happiness, and to a lesser extent (a MUCH lesser extent) you are responsible for your spouse's happiness if you are married. I don't know how you view you and your girlfriend's relationship, but it's really very minute. In fact, you DO have a responsibility to cease your behaviors that perpetuate your girlfriend's problems. It's hard to do, but it is a lot better in the end....