It's been two days since the story went live, and I think I've gotten the bulk of the responses. I was surprised by how many, and I will be making responses over the next few days. Thanks to everyone who wrote. I'll be posting again once I've gone through them all.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.