dextr0us's Journal: Mesh hats r0x0r.

Today has been a day of re-evaluation of life for me. I was thinking about if i had a fire, what would i take out? I think i would save my mother's journal, and maybe mine. My mom's is much more important, because it is all writing. My "journal" is just a collection of annoymous junk, well not junk but you get the point, since i was born.

Re-evaluating has been a huge step for me. Every year on average, i do it to myself. This year's re-evaluation happened at an odd time. We played fugative last night, and for those of you who don't know what fugative is, its like hide and go seek for adults. I'll explain later. At any rate, i was running, and i thought they could tell it was me if my trademarked mesh hat was on, so i quickly removed it and stuffed it under my shirt. To my knowledge, i had it still under my shirt, but then all of the sudden i didn't feel it. It made me feel like CRAP. I then started having some sort of spiritual awakening and i don't think since my sister died, or maybe finals, i have prayed like that. I seriously prayed for half an hour. I went searching where i thought i had lost it, but to no avail. My friend then called me half an hour later, and said he found it. I WAS SO RELIEVED.

Fugative: A game where there are the fugatives, and cops. Cops are in cars, trying to find the fugatives, who attempt to make it from point A to point B in the least time possible.

My mesh hat, while a new trademark, is priceless to me. That would be item #3, right behind the load of journals i would save in a fire. Its so cool, because its ugly. Its of a defunct trailer seller, called motor sports land, and it has a smily sun on it. Its my favorite hat ever. Ever.

That spiritual revival lasted into today. I almost recommitted myself to being mormon. Not that i really needed it, but yeah. I know a lot of people hate mormons, but i dont get why. I think a lot of people get the impression that mormons are really presumptious, and they think that they're better than everyone, which we dont. I think actually most catholics that really practice are in much better off shape than i will be in the afterlife, not to mention nuns, and then every other person who has lived such a great life. I don't think that i'll be better off than them, but i think i'll have a more perfect knowledge, which is kind of a presumptious statement.

Another thing that people get from mormons is that we hate certain groups of people. People especially associate the mormon church with hating gays and lesbians. (on a side note, i don't really like the word homosexual, i prefer str8 and gay) MY church (the church that I belive mormon means) belives that we're all gods children, and we should love everyone. Our main goal, contrary to popular belief, is to have people come unto christ. If you're gay, thats great. One of my best friends in the entire world is gay. I see nothing wrong with it in the temporal sense. its fine that he likes and sleeps with guys. I personally, am not planning on sleeping with any guys in the future, but hey, whatever floats YOUR boat is fine.

Speaking of gay people, my dad made another "utah mormon" mistake. Out here in utah, people can just assume that everyone is mormon, even if their not. Mormon is the predominate religion in utah (like i even had to say that) so people just automatically assume, and its kind of insensitive to do. My sister had a work party, and one of her co-workers is gay. I'm pretty sure that around 50-85 percent of the room knew he was gay. My dad was not one of those people. He made a card for a Japanese lady, and wrote some charecters in japanese. (actually it was chinese, or kanji, but yeah) My dad makes the mistaken assumption of asking him if he went on a mission (the LDS 2 year thing where we knock on your door) to japan. He just handled it good, and kind of just ignored my dad, which was good, while the rest of my family looked in horror and tried to motion to my dad that NO, he's not mormon. This is where i get confused. My dad wasn't brought up in utah. In fact, he was brought up in new jersey, and led a really crappy life. I guess being out of a more diverse atmosphere for a few decades will do that. Its not that i fault my dad for it, i just wish he was more sensitive.

this is turning into the longest journal entry ever. speaking of sensative, thats kind of how i feel now. I read my mothers journal for the "important" days of my life. The first ones i looked at were 9/9/99 (dreamcast launch) and i had a seizure in may of 2k, and i wanted to know what my parents thought. But there was a date that i wouldn't look at, except from an oblique reference on a "randall's accomplishments" page. She wrote something about how i was trying to creatively deal with the loss of my sister. It brought me to tears, as it is now. That is the worst day of my life. Screw september 11th, i know that effected all the people that lost love ones like the whole month of october did. I'm not sure if it was october 26th, but dammit, i don't care. Its mid/late october, and my sister dies from brain cancer. I'm like 14, she was like 36, but you have no clue how much that impacted me. I miss her so bad. i feel like my life after then has been a sham, and i've let her down so often that i dishonor her memory. I know that i've done sweet things too, but i just feel like i've never done anything to truly help out her memory. oh great, tears. If sherilynn ever reads this, i'm so sorry. I'm trying to be better. Your kids are the most awesome people ever. Vicki hasn't replaced you, but i am really thankful for her two. Your husband is the best man i know. Kent can handle more hardship than i can even imagine. You want to hear about a great man? This man has maintained the same job through 2 excruiciating circumstances. His first wife, and love of his life, dies from brain cancer. His second wife (see mormons still practice poligamy :P, only joking, trying to fight the tears) got breast cancer. How screwed up is this world.... honestly. I love my church, but that put such a dampener on my faith. I know its for the best, because she's completley recovering, but still. There is the chance that it spreads. And if it does spread..... DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO BURY ANOTEHR SISTER!!! I want to punch my hand through the wall. why..... why.... i seem to force myself to think about bad things every once in a while. Not that death is a bad thing. It really was a good thing. Sherilynn's death was good for her. She was suffering so bad. There are so many priceless moments that i think back on w/ my oldest sister, but then there are so many sad. I remember the sad ones more than the happy, not because i want to though, trust me.

Ok enough crying. Cheer up. Stop sucking, and do better. You little emo wuss.