bellus quies's Journal: I want to go home

Days have been up and down. I guess it was a dream that I had last night that really triggered today's mood swing.

I want to go home, to that home that I find in his arms, with my head buried in his chest.

This is hard, the ups and downs. Feeling that all is right in the world and then yearning for things aren't in this moment.

Saturday I see him again, to sign over the lease. We've been putting it off for two weeks, due to his work getting in the way. I hope that I can hold it together, as I cried as I signed my new lease, and the girl was helpful and went through it quickly, where to sign, where to initial, put the date here and here. 2/10/2007

I think that he's planning to move away after this current lease is up in June, and I really wish that he'd take me with him.

But if he doesn't want to work on the relationship then I know that I deserve to be with someone who does. It just reminds me of a card he wrote me. One of the few cards he wrote. Paraphrasing what he said... that he appreciated all the effort that I put into the relationship and that he knows that we'll work through things and take our relationship to new heights.

I contemplate putting that card into the bag of things that I'm returning to him Saturday. Things that I found of his while unpacking. I know I shouldn't and I'm not going to put the card in the bag. But I have this wishful daydream that if I did, if he read it that he would remember, and turn and fight for us and be willing to make things work rather than running away when things get hard.

Re:

[bellus quies]

Well I haven't gotten the "let's be friend's" but having him crying on my shoulder in the parking lot saying that "this sucks" and me teary eyed, reassuring him that it'll be tough but that some space and perspective is what we need. Because I do know that we were spinning our wheels and needed something to shake us up out of our rut.

Re:

[Marxist Hacker 42]

Because I do know that we were spinning our wheels and needed something to shake us up out of our rut.

It's been a few days and I hope enough of the pain has gone away to answer an objective question. Like "Lets just be friends" is malespeak for I'll never call you again, just what part of separating is supposed to HELP the relationship? I never quite understood that when dating, and I married the first girl who didn't use the "I need space" line on me. A rut can be a VERY good thing for a relationship

Deserve

[GeckoFood]

But if he doesn't want to work on the relationship then I know that I deserve to be with someone who does.

From your own words. Please don't lose this point. I don't really know you all that well, except from what I have read on here. From what you've written, I know that you put up with a lot and it sounds like you made the vast majority of the effort. In spite of all of your efforts, you cannot make him stick around if he wants to go. I suspect he does not realize what he is allowing to slip through his fingers. He will either figure it out and come back to you, or, as I said before, someone more deserving will come along and benefit from his mistake. In either event, I think in the long run you will be the big winner, even if it's hard now.

Hang in there.

Re:

[bellus quies]

Yes I know. It's hard for me to maintain perspective at times. But I've set up a mental deadline, two months. After that I think I'll have enough closure to move on.

I have nothing to add.

[Some Woman]

Except *internet hugs*.

Re:

[bellus quies]

Thanks for the virtual hugs. They are much appreciated.

Hang in there...

[johndiii]

It looks to me like you are handling it very well. The emotions are indeed very hard, but you are on the right course. GeckoFood put it well - either he will realize or not, but you will come out in the right place in the end.

And in those two months, remember to take good care or yourself.

Re:

[bellus quies]

in those two months, remember to take good care or yourself

Thanks. That's something I'm trying to do. Right now I'm trying to divert my attention to my new business. I've taken a small business law class and am going to an additional law seminar this weekend.