pythorlh's Journal: My mountain is falling.

"He stands like a mountain in my youngest memories. Old, and wise beyond belief."

In my senior year of high school, those words began a tribute I wrote about my grandfather. I read it aloud in class that day, and after three paragraphs, the room was silent. A good 30 seconds passed before someone said, "Wow."

That's how I feel about my grandfather. I don't have that paper anymore. I don't remember the rest of those words. But the emotions behind them are burned into my heart, and have shaped my soul. My life is predicated on the desire to be a man that my grandfather would want to know. A man that he could be proud to say is his grandson. I fear every day that I have failed in that goal.

My grandfather was a US Marine for 30 years. He left when they would no longer allow him to serve his country. He was forced to retire. When I knew him, growing up, he was a handyman, a school superintendent, and a friend. I would spend some summers at my grandfather's house. He taught me the value of my own work. He taught me how to be quiet and listen. He taught me what a jerk I can be sometimes. And he did it all while showing me an undeniable love that shone through his every action. I don't know if he ever stepped foot in a church. He certainly never accompanied my grandmother and I to her church on Sundays. He was no saint, but in my young eyes, he was a god.

As an adult, the veil has been lifted, and I see him as a man. And yet, he is still the best man I know. He is still the man that I wish I could be. Since high school, I have only seen my gradnfather a few times. He has come to visit us in New York for a couple weeks at a time. Both his daughters live here, and his visits are always packed with interaction that no one ever has enough time for. I'm always vaguely disappointed when his visits are over, because I never get enough time with him alone.

My grandfather is dying.

He's been treated for cancer over the past couple years. He had just begun intensive chemotherapy a few weeks ago, but was told that even with the treatment, he had 6 months to 18 months left. The treatments were too much for him. He couldn't deal with the side effects. He discontinued treatments, and is feeling better now.

Without the treatments, they don't expect him to last a monh.

My mother flew out to California to be with him yesterday, which was before we knew that last bit of information. She expected to be out there a few weeks, just to placate my grandmother, who worries too much. Now, she probably won't come back until this is all over. I wish I could be there with her, could be there with him. I'll probably never see my grandfather again.

a few things

[blinder]

first, man i'm sorry. cancer is a terrible ugly monster. i know, i've seen it. it killed my mother and all i could do was watch.

second, why can't you just go? be with him? if there ever was a good reason to just go, this is it. i know about work and family responsibilities, but wouldn't this supersede any of that? at least just for a day? i don't pretend to know your situation, so only take it for what it is, a total stranger who has been through this before.

third, not so impressed with any doctor who quotes odds. doctors are not in that business.

but that's neither here nor there. i would imagine your grandfather knows how much you love him. you were there. you learned from him, and i'd be hard-pressed to believe he doesn't know that really well.

try not to worry too much. your mountain? it'll be there forever.
 

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[pythorlh]

The reason I can't go is mainly financial. I can't afford a plane ticket to California and back. I probably won't even be able to make the funeral, and I definitely can't go now. I live a fairly hand-to-mouth existence. I have no savings to speak of. Which I know is mostly my fault, but it doesn't make this any easier.

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[account_deleted]

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[pythorlh]

I'm in upstate NY. If I go, I'll be flying out of Albany, and going to San Diego. That said, I'm not really comfortable excepting donations. Even if I do go now, it's not likely I'll get much time alone with him. Being that he's in poor health, and has other family around him. Also, I did get to see him a few months ago. It's not that I have never seen him as an adult. I appreciate the thought though.

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[account_deleted]

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[pythorlh]

It feels unfaithful to say it, but I will. As much as I hurt now, knowing that I may never see him again, it's a dread that won't be there once he's passed. As some have said, even when he's gone, he'll still be here. It's the feeling of losing him that is tearing me apart right now.
At this point, I've been offered a ticket if I want one. I will probably take that person up on the offer.

Oh... And thanks.

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[account_deleted]

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[Tet]

I can't afford a plane ticket to California and back.

Yes, but internal flights in the US are really cheap. A quick check on the net shows Albany to San Diego being about US$200. Hell, if you're so hard up that you can't afford that, then you can get a loan to cover it, and go and get an evening job stacking shelves in a supermarket for a couple of weeks to pay it off. It may sound harsh, but I firmly believe that if you wanted to go, you could afford to do so. Anything else is just making excuses.

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[Ethelred Unraed]

It may be bad form, but I'll just "me too" what blinder said. With only a small addition:

The great thing about your mountain is that it's in your memories and your mind. He may go physically, and go he must someday, but that mountain will be with you for your entire lifetime.

Blessings and best wishes.

Cheers,

Ethelred

My condolences.

[Some Woman]

I'm glad that you have had somebody like him in your life.

unlike Blinder

[Red Warrior]

I do think that doctors are in the odds business. They do a service by explaining the likely consequences of medical decisions individuals face. They're just not in the "making treatment decisions based on the odds" business. That being the job of the individual, armed with the odds. That said, I think your grandfather made the right decision, for a host of reasons. I think that also speaks to his strength of character.

That said, I'm sad to hear about his illness and mourn your upcoming loss.

In a very real

I'm sorry.

[BrenBren]

I'm sorry to hear about what is happening to your grandfather.

I hope that a miracle happens, and he lives for many years more. If that is not meant to be, I hope that you always remember what he meant to you. Perhaps you could use your memories as a basis to write a new paper about what your grandfather means to you. Even if you are not able to make it to his funeral (whenever that may be), perhaps someone that is present could read it to others there, that they may know and remember the affect that this