Journal eno2001's Journal: THE PAST: Old Friends
A while back I wrote a JE about a close friend who had finally told me that he didn't want to be friends anymore. He had all sorts of problems (drugs, alcohol, jail) and had a really screwed up life. He got in touch with me a few weeks later and we started sort of hanging out again. But, it was tense. Nothing really felt the same. So this weekend he once again told me he didn't really want to hang out anymore. He stated his reasons. And to be honest, I am completely tired of it all. It became a huge annoyance and distraction to wonder whether I'd get another drunken e-mail insulting me. He was good enough to just keep his attacks focused on me. But when he was sober, it was pretty much just good times.
This time around, I felt a sort of relief. And I think I know why. I think the reason I tolerated more than most people would and the reasons I felt that he was a good friend (and I still do) are because he is the last connection I have to the wild side of my youth. If there was mischief to be had, he was around. He was also connected with one of the highlights of my youth as well. A point in time when I was living in the "hipster" region of my city, meeting and hanging out with the bohemian crowd and generally living a pretty fun youthful life. He was my roommate at the time. At that point I had a plan for my life. I was going to be a successful musician, move to NYC, marry my girlfriend at the time and hobnob with other artists and musicians. But plans you have at 19 don't seem to work out quite the way you picture.
So getting back to my friend... I think the reason I hung out with him through the various phases he went through was that he was the last connection to that point in my life. Whenever I would get together with him I'd feel like I was 20 again and that we were going to go on some kind of adventure even if it was just sitting around and talking. I think to an extent that might be why he wanted to hang out with me this late in the game too. But he's trying to move on. And sadly, even though he's got a ton of other issues to surmount, I think the both of us hanging out is probably a bad idea now. It holds both of us back in some way that I can't quite put my finger on. We've already been kind of distant and strained since his last attempt to end the friendship. And now, I just feel like I want a rest.
I don't want to have the strain of worrying about what kind of insult I met get hurled at me in a drunken rage only to hear an apology the next day. This time he was also able to tell me one of the things that he didn't really like about me and he did it sober. It was largely a misunderstanding but I can see his point. Over the years he's told me a number of tales about his wild exploits and he relates them in a very humorous fashion. I'd always made the mistaken assumption that he was somewhat proud of these things and because his delivery is so humorous (think of someone like Dennis Leary) I would tell these stories to my wife and few close friends (mostly people he's never or never will meet). It never occurred to me that he wanted to keep this stuff confidential. He'd never actually said, "Don't tell this to anyone". That's what he says really bothered him. He feels that his life has been ruined by the fact that there are people who know his stories and no matter how he tries to clean up, that will haunt him.
Of course he doesn't take the responsibility himself of having been involved in a lot of these things of his own volition. I think he's looking for a scapegoat to be able to say that someone "ruined" his chances in this city (he's planning on moving and starting new somewhere else). So he's blamed me for it in his mind as he's blamed his parents, his ex-girlfriends and other friends for his lot in life. No matter who he cuts off or how he tries to change, unless he tackles his drinking problem, he's destined to have these experiences and to do things that he's not proud of and is haunted by for the rest of his life. And he knows it but he hates this fact because he's so in love with the bottle. It's sad and I've tried to help and encourage him to stop, but I can't anymore. As I told him, I'm just plain tired now. I've got other shit to worry about, so I'm just dropping this part of my life now for good. Will I help him in the future if he asks me? Sure, for the basic stuff. But as far as the bigger things (money, emergency food runs, etc...) not anymore.
My other reason for being really into this friend is the gargantuan effort he put into saving my psychologically wrecked self when the girlfriend mentioned above dumped me. I was nearly suicidal and he made the effort to come 2000 miles TWICE on surprise visits to hang out with me and cheer me up. So he was a really good friend. He didn't have any ulterior motives for those visits (he remained sober) he just came to help a friend out. So I think I also felt over the years that a debt needed to be repaid. I think it's finally been evened up. It's not easy disconnecting from that last connection to my past. But this time around it feels easier than it's ever felt before when I've tried.
On a sidenote. He did mention another old friend of our who we've both loosely hung around with for years as well. That guy also has a ton of issues and I've not been too close to him for a long time. I do want to say that I don't appreciate the manipulations he's attempted on the friendship I had with my good friend. Apparently, based on what I read in the e-mail this morning, this other friend told my good friend a while back that I couldn't be trusted because I "stab people in the back" by talking about them. This is a total fabrication. Unless there is something I don't understand about people, if someone tells you something and doesn't say, "don't tell anyone this" and it's not something really personal then you can share it with others. I've NEVER betrayed a secret in my life. If someone told me something in confidence, I've always respected that. Maybe there is some male code of ethics that I don't understand, but I expect that when I tell people something, they will tell others unless I ask them to keep it a secret. So this other old friend saw an opportunity at some point to besmirch my reputation. Fine. That's why we aren't close anymore.
So that's about it. Just some thoughts that I had to get out. Bring on the comments that question my sexuality, sanity, political leanings, etc... Or, better yet, just ignore this post.
THE PAST: Old Friends More Login
THE PAST: Old Friends
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