Lando's Journal: Waking up

Pretty much my entire life since age 13 I've had problems following through with commitments.. Anything over a month generally ended up being set aside and never completed...

Not that I personally didn't try, but it kept getting harder and harder to work. My folks and other people over the last 20 years have equated it to being lazy, I however was completely frustrated, never seeming to have any energy to get up and move around...

I'd visited several doctors, psychologist, and such all to no avail...

Enter my wife, when we met something just clicked, we fit together seemed to work. It wasn't wild romance more of a feeling of comfort.

Anyway, I still had my energy problems, but I was holding down the fort at a good paying job and was at least paying for my bills...

Well, my wife and I have had our ups and downs, we occassionally fight... And so she's decided that we need to go to counciling.

During the second session with the theripist my wife mentions that I am manic-depressive. Not that I have ever been diagnosed as such... All my family and friends see it though, I can go weeks without being about to write a single line of code and then I would get spurts where I write 10K lines in a day and it works perfectly, after fixing my typing mistakes... logic is almost always dead on.

Most people may have said there was something wrong, but having lived with it for so long and spending thousands on blood tests, etc I figured this was the way it was and was really impressed by the people that were able to push so hard to do what they wanted... But more on them later, back to me...

Anyway, upon hearing that I was bi-polar, or at least everyone thought I was, he recommended I go see a doctor and try some medicines.

I went spent an hour talking with the doctor, saying things like, I'm not suicidal, I just have no energy, no crying so it's not like I'm depressed... Just have to get through it, etc etc etc.

So the interview ends and the doctor prescribes Wellbutrin. I go home, and take a pill and play on the computer, I would call it work but haven't been able to get anything done for a while. I just sat there and read slashdot, looked at code, read slashdot, looked at .... Over and over again... Anyway 3 hours later I go downstairs, and I'm feeling slightly dizzy... When I reach the bottom of the stairs I suddenly realize I don't have a headache from working on the computer, but I normally do.

And then I look around and realize that where my brain felt fuzzy before now everything seemed to come into focus.

So I have been riding a high for the last week, not that the drugs are making my happy, but instead that I can concentrate and do what I want to do... It's quite simply amazing.

Yesterday, I realized that my idol, John Carmack, who works so hard and does things that I wish I could do... Was normal, and now that I was normal I could do the same...

So today, I'm sitting down... Pulling out the keyboard and getting ready to fly... My customers have been called, money's coming in, my systems upgraded to Mandrake 9.0 and I have my programming tools....

What more could a guy ask for...

More later on the projects I am working on... Just happy to be moving now...

Nice to know that there was actually a problem and I wasn't lazy....

Grin... see you in the funny pages.