aridhol's Journal: Why is it?

I can hang out with a mixed group with no problem. I have no issues being the only guy in a group of girls even in potentially awkward situations. Even being along with a girl (just as friends) holds no fear for me.

So why is it that, with a specific girl for whom all of the above applies, we make plans to go to a movie and my heart starts skipping beats and I get all light-headed?

Yes, I went on a date. Not something I was planning on doing, especially so recently after breaking up, but it was arranged by a mutual friend. And really, although my ex and I officially finished it up last weekend, there were three weeks of silence and three months of near-silence between us; we just made official what was already fact. So depending on your point of view, I've been single for at least a month (I don't count the 3 months).

My biggest concern is the future. In January, I graduate from here and will be posted somewhere else in Canada. Is that really enough time to decide about the future? By the end of January I have to know if I'm moving alone or with someone else. It's a rather extreme version of moving in together - we may end up moving across the country to do so.

Is it better to end everything now, before it gets too far? Or to wait, hope for the best, and risk breaking it off when it's getting into full swing but before we're ready to make that kind of commitment?

Or am I just reading too much into a single date (although there are plans in the works for another)?

The three rules apply here ..

[tomhudson]

The three rules of consulting apply to many personal situations as well, and shrinks get rich using the same principles:

1. No matter what people say, there's always a problem
2. Its always a people problem
3. They'll tell you the answer within 5 minutes

You said:

... Or am I just reading too much into a single date ...

You already know the answer.

However, this is NOT a reason why you can't just do the "extreme living together" thing. You can be super-cautious and date someone for 20 years, then get married, and find out the next day that you've made the biggest mistake of your life ... it happens.

The simple answer - and the one you really want to hear - is that if you think she can make you happy, and she thinks you can make her happy, and you find yourself feeling that its important to you that she *stay* happy ... why not? What's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out? So you haven't lost anything that you don't already lose by not trying. Don't be in such a rush to close the door on something because "its too fast." You'll have to live with the "gee, I wonder what would have happened if ..." for the rest of your life otherwise.

In other words, this isn't a problem so much as an opportunity - to learn more about yourself and about her. Growth is good. Sharing that with someone else is better.

So, where's the problem again?

Oh, and good luck, whatever you two decide.

Re:

[aridhol]

You can be super-cautious and date someone for 20 years, then get married, and find out the next day that you've made the biggest mistake of your life ... it happens

I guess this is what scares me. I dated my ex-wife for 8 years, and we didn't last much longer than our first anniversary. That's the main reason I'm worried about moving in together as we move across the country.

And since I live in barracks and she's living with room-mates, there's not much chance of trying it out before the move, especia

Re:

[tomhudson]

I know that if I wasn't worried about time, I would have asked her out without our friend's guidance/assistance/prodding.

So there's your answer. You're probably asking yourself if its fair to her to do this ... just keep in mind that she may be thinking the same things. Discuss it. After the 3rd date. Otherwise you look like one of those scary guys who obsesses about someone after their first date to the point of delusion.

I'd say...

[johndiii]

Wait and hope for the best. I'd not write off something potentially good because of problems that may or may not happen. See if you have fun now, and see where it goes when that time comes.

It's possible that you're reading too much into a first date, but stranger things have happened. :-) I know that for a fact.