bellus quies's Journal: Fork in the road

Ya I have my freak outs and then get over it and relax once I get it out of my system, like my last post. Freak out, reality sets in, then I relax. I hope that time will help me calm down on this one too.

One path I definitely want so more than the other. But I know that either I take I'll end up happy in the end. One's just a hell of a lot more bumpy at first.

Last night I asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He paused. And said that he didn't know what love was; that he cared deeply for me, and wanted to see me happy. But love he just doesn't know what that entails.

I almost threw up. But my stomach was upset all day to begin with, and I had already thrown up that morning due to a bad reaction to my morning meds combined with my gag reflex.

Anyways, Blinder's story got me thinking about this, emotional disconnect. My boyfriend has already said before that he feels disconnected from his emotions. And I know that he's very disconnected from expressing his sexuality. So combine the two, emotional and physical disconnect...and I can understand how someone wouldn't understand what love is. Unfortunately we just skimmed the surface of this topic with the couples counselor before moving to Texas, so we didn't have a change to delve into those issues. It was hard enough getting him to go with me that first time, and now I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even go to a counselor just for himself to help him through these issues.

I really love him, and I hope that I can be with him and still wake up beside him when he's 84 and we have tons of wrinkles from all the smiles over the years. I know that we've had our issues. And I've used this forum to vent and let the lid off the mental bottle so to speak. So I've mainly put the negative here, not the squishy little things. Like how the sent memories post reminded me of in California, whenever my BF and I would walk under a flowering tree or bush that smelled sweet we would kiss.

But I see the fork in the road. One, my boyfriend doesn't understand love, can't fulfil my emotional needs and we split. Two, we get married and explore this world and our lives together.

I really am hoping for the second path. Though I understand that there will be pain to go through if I do split with my BF, but that eventually on the other side I'll be OK and I'll find someone else somewhere down the road.

I just really don't want to break up.

I want to continue with all the good stuff to continue. I want the ticklefights. I want the smiles in the shower. I want to be able to watch him sing to obscure classic rock. I want to watch him wrestle with the puppy. I want to feel his warmth next to me. I want to explore the world with him by my side. I want to go backpacking and see sunrises over remote valleys with him. I want nose kisses. I want to hear him quote the Simpson's. There's too much to mention, And I want that all with him.

When I'm in his arms I'm home.

one question...

[btlzu2]

does he see that he needs a bit of help or that he has to better understand himself?

i felt disconnected from my emotions for 30 years. the only thing i know i felt all those years was anxiety/depression--interspersed with occasional happiness. nothing more complicated than that though and that is really missing out on experiencing the different flavors and shades of life as a human being!

that question above is really the core issue for you i would suspect. if he doesn't honestly see the need for change/g

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[FortKnox]

Good advice. It sounds like he needs to change. How receptive of this is he? Does he WANT to change? If not, and you get married, you will end up in a long, painful marriage until he decides he wants to change or you've had enough.
Your decision should be based on what he is willing to do...

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[bellus quies]

Your decision should be based on what he is willing to do.

I concur, there is a change that needs to happen. And I don't want to get married to someone who doesn't completely and enthusiastically want to be with me either. So it's tough because my decision is based on his choice to grow.

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[TopShelf]

Maybe I'm just a pessimist, but I've never heard of something like this working out - where one party is somewhat disengaged, and the other desperately wants them to change in order to make things work. If he's going to change, it's going to be on his terms, not because someone is pleading with him to do so.

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[FortKnox]

This is a misconception that leads to a lot of divorces. The whole "I can't change them". Its true, you can't change them...
But when they both talk about it, she'll find things he wants to change about her...
Then the thrilling conclusion is to either:
a.) Give up
b.) Realize that a relationship (or, more importantly, a marriage) is about sacrificing. And you change (not all the way, most likely), not because the significant other asked you to, but as a sacrifice to keep things better... and soon you'll

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[bellus quies]

I know that he's had alot of anxiety lately. He's said as much and it appears as well in his self-injurous behaviours of picking at wounds. I know that he understands that there is a problem with him and his detachment. But I think that his way of approaching it is to wait for an epiphany or other sudden realization to happen where he'll suddenly be OK. He's dealing with alot of unknowns rigiht now. He doesn't know what he wants in life (career path, location to live, ect.) and it's painful for him to

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[btlzu2]

I'm sort of curious as to how old he is (sorry if i missed that). I think as you get older you usually realize it isn't great to put all your worth into one thing or one effort. :) at least that's how it worked for me. i still tend to do that a bit with my job, but i realize that i am not just my job, but my personal relationships and how i treat others in general. work is still damn important, but, well, you know...

i don't know if you've suggested this to him, but even with active work on emotions/unde

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[bellus quies]

He's going to turn 30 next year and it took him 8 years to finish at the University after working his way up through community colleges and changing majors 3 times.

I wish that he would put the relationship on project status asmuch as he did to graduate. The problem is there's now set plan for a relationship, so no set guidelines other than how it compares to his parents and others relationships.

Another issue is that he doesn't like feeling judged or like he's under a microscope, his main excuse/reason for

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[btlzu2]

ouch. doesn't sound promising. i was struggling with excuses to avoid it all myself, but something kicked in for me luckily when I was about 32 and i really worked on stuff to get to the point of a, say, 20 year old instead of a 10 year old. :)

he has to see it for himself. that's the only way. the best thing you can do is your part of the relationship. if the other half isn't upheld, well, that's not your fault. he may feel he has no reason to work on himself if he's getting some pay-back from the sit

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[bellus quies]

waste all your time on a relationship with not much goodness in it for you--if that's how the relationship will remain.

That's one thing that I'm hoping I won't do but can see the allure of slipping into. As the pain of leaving a relationship is higher than the pain of being in a mediocre relationship. Throw the fear of the unknown into the mix and it's a hard decision to make and follow through with.

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[btlzu2]

well, in some ways you're not ready either then i suppose. you know, i just hope you can focus on what you think is the right thing for you and keep aware of that. that's just my opinion. :)

Send his ass to meditation

[Com2Kid]

I chose to fall in love.

I had spent years learning to control my emotions. No angry, no great sadness, stoic, centered in the world. Able to observe, and influence so well. I feel sad and sort of empty remembering that time, I cannot explain what it is like to have that sort of.... control.

The one thing control did not give me was motivation. Motivation to succeed, motivation to move forward.

I saw that I was going no where.

To who I was then, love was an economic choice. Hard to say, but true. Love wou

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[bellus quies]

Ah, although defining love in a few short words is not needed for myself, it might be helpful for my boyfriend to have is simplified as such. That and my curiosity as to how other people view that emotion. Even as I have variations of love for others, I'm sure others have variations on love of their own that I haven't thought of.

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[Com2Kid]

Love is a biochemical reaction that has evolved in homo sapiens in order to encourage the time proven system of a mother/father family system for the sole purpose of raising children and continuing the existence of the species.

Continuance of existence is the sole purpose of any form of life, and indeed is the very definition of life itself:

the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adapta

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[bellus quies]

Hmm motivation. That brings to mind that I got depressed from moving and other issues and took charge by going to therapy and getting a chemical boost for my lagging neurotransmitters. Perhaps my boyfriend suffers similarly but shows it differently. And as how he's not exercising right now other than sporadic walks with the dog, he doesn't have the natural endorphins to shake him out of it.

At least that's something proactive that I can do, to take him out hiking, biking, running , swimming, ect. And it

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[Com2Kid]

....

You are sleeping with him.

You share a dog.

You want bonding, strap him down to a bed and hop on board.

Doh. wait. That is bondage. My bad. *G*

Seriously though. Tell him to get to grips with reality, stop being so far out, and to stop playing word games. If he is in love enough to get an erection after knowing you for this long, he knows what love is!