shankar2k's Journal: Civil War

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably ...
-- Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy"

Let's do this one without a mysto-magical story to cloak it ...

I am kind of crazy ... Okay crazy is too harsh a word. Let's say I'm eccentric. I have these two distinct personalities in my head, constantly babbling to each other, and until just recently, I didn't realize that there are actually psychological terms for these.

On the one side, there is my super-ego, the anxious one influenced by society, other people, and what I think I should be doing. He isn't particularly smart, bt he is capable of coming up with sets of rules to get through life. That's part of his problem too. He doesn't deal well with uncertainty, with the gray fuzzy areas that abound all around. He cares a lot about what other people think and never seems to know how to act. He definitely doesn't exude much confidence.

On the other side is my id, the more nebulous and mysterious one. He represents my baser desires. He just wants to sleep most of the day, eat bad food, watch tv and movies, play video games, and so on and so forth. I have tried to ignore him most of my life, because I know those desires are short-sighted and get me anywhere. But he is very intelligent, much smarter than me (If only I could get him to do my PhD research). When my id really wants something, he will take it from, whether I am willing or not, and there is very little I can do. The more I have restrained him, the fiercer he strikes out. In my opinion, my whole adventure through Lithuania and Latvia was, to a large extent, my id trying to break out and talk to me.

If you read that article (oh, you didn't yet? yes, i know wikipedia is not the end-all-be-all on any subject, but it's a good first step, and it certainly knows more than me. so go read it), you would have seen that there is another component, the ego. I don't really have one, or at least not a very strong one. I *hate* making decisions, and so most of the time, I let whichever aspect that has the loudest voice make the decision for me. When other people are involved, I tend to go along with them, because my super-ego desperately wants people to like him. But, unavoidably, there are times when no one else is around (or no one else has a strong opinion), and then my id takes over. So that's why I have such a hard time getting up in the morning and out of my house.

I've spent much of my life ignoring my id, feelings that those desires that I have are wrong and evil. But in truth, my id isn't such a bad guy. Besides his diabolical intelligence, he is also much more confident and sure of himself, because he couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. He's also a pretty funny guy, from what I hear. I think much of the reason that I drink is that it seems like a quick and dirty way to conjure him. It's kind of like getting the manager of an arcade out to see you by breaking one of the pinball machines. He'll come out, but he certainly won't be happy about it. That's why I call him "Belligerent Shankar" :-).

Now that I know about these parts of myself, I think it will help me become a more unified person. Part of the problem is that my id and super-ego like impersonating each other and confusing me, so I can never be sure who exactly is speaking to me at any given time. But I'm learning ...