Journal blinder's Journal: Personality Disorder 37
i've been out of therapy for a good long time now (about five months), all because i got laid off, and had to move (no medical coverage).
well, now that i've been working and have full benefits again, i've realized i need to start therapy again. i've known this all a long. i never, not once, thought that i was "cured" and could just not work on stuff without professional help. but, lately, i've realized, on my own, that i do indeed need to go back.
so, i got an email from one of our hr folks telling me where the online directory listing lives (to find a provider) and i started going through it this morning. the system is setup completely different than what i had in baltimore so i was just mostly left scratching my head at the over 300 listings.
i had to select "symptoms" and well, they weren't well defined. so, i had to do a bit of googling to figure it out. well, i find this page, which also happens to be published by my insurance company, that details what the symptoms mean.
turns out, my symptoms are best described as a "personality disorder."
oh good. i have often thought i never really had a definable personality.
so, i have two issues that need work. my acoa/abandoment issues (acoa is: adult child of an alcoholic) which feed most of my self-esteem problems (i tend to constantly beat myself up, for just about everything... and i have thin skin, so whenever anyone around me expresses anger, frustration or dismay... i figure its because of me). the other issue is a whole slew of grief issues i'm still holding on to.
yeah, so personality disorder. i don't like to think of myself as having a "disorder." i'm the one in our family who doesn't have problems. i'm supposed to be the one who is just laid back and goes with the flow. well, as i look around, that isn't the case. as i look around, i see that i've become, things i don't like... things i hate.
i've become lazy. i've let my avoidance problems to take over. i've forgotton how to follow through on just about everything. all the progress i made over the last year in those areas has been eroded... and i let it happen. i have no one to blame but myself.
oh sure, i have excuses. being laid off, moving, new life... etc. no... that shit just doesn't fly with me. everyone has excuses. what i need to pick up is responsiblity and leave the excuses in the gutter.
i picked out four names and phone numbers of doctors that specialize in grief and personality disorders. i'm not comfortable calling them from work because i don't have privacy. yeah, nothing like summarizing why i need an initial consultation over the phone with five or so co-workers within earshot. but then again, why the fuck should i care? they've already formed their opinions of me, doesn't matter what that may be.
i know i'm rambling. i don't feel good. i got an email from a friend who shed some light on a few things for me, and while nothing that i read is news to me, it was the context in which it was delivered that made the most impact.
right now i feel terrible. its taking everything i have to just not burst out into tears here at work. that just won't do. but fuck it. it doesn't matter. yeah i have problems. they are my ___own___ and its my job to take care of it. and i don't need pity, or any cheering up... i need professional help to get some tools to work on things.
i need to work on being a better person to myself. i need to stop the inner dialogs that are preventing me from actually hearing what is being said to me. i need to learn to understand better. i have a very slow mind. my mind works very slowly. i have to often replay a conversation over and over again in my head in order to get an understanding what i've been told... and that's where the defective filter comes into play. i need to grow thicker skin. i have to stop being so fragile. its odd, yeah, i'm fragile emotionally, but also tough... as tough as they come. i've been through a lot... and i'm still here. they haven't figured out a way to kill me yet, but i break easily. i don't want to break so easily. i want to learn to be less fragile but still care about things that are important to me.
i've seen it, people get tougher and break less easy because they stop caring. they turn completely inward and have no time or attention to anyone but themselves. i don't want that. i am sensitive, i care about people and the things they go through and i pride myself on being able to place myself in someone else's shoes... i don't want to lose that. but i also don't want to be damaged in the process.
i'm feeling really stupid right now. right now i feel like everything i've said here is completely empty. its because i've done a pretty good job at falling back on an old familiar skill... my ability to hide stuff that is going on in me. the reason i hide is, my fear of disapointment. i need to learn that i can't please everyone and everything, and by trying will only make things worse.
oh well. i'm calling this period a relapse. not a failure. my instinct is to call it a failure. but i won't. i've relapsed into old behavior patterns, but my initial round of therapy has taught me awareness... my eyes are still open which is why i can still see that things need work.
relapse (Score:1)
something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
You know you have these issues, you know how to deal with them. What does the therapy actually do?
(I've never been to therapy, Lord knows I could probably use some, so I'm just asking)
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:2)
i found that very valuable. the first tool i learned was awareness. may seem like such a simple thing, but in my case it was something i lacked.
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
I'll give you an example; I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I needed to change a line in an Ada spec, and how that was going to save 205k of heap space. Its a type in a spec! Shouldn't it only affec
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:2)
a similar idea (not really supportive of therapy though!) i really believe that reading some difficult material you need to understand before going to bed is processed while you sleep. i often do that and more often than not, the next day it's easier to figure out. i was doing that in my AI class all the time. I felt like that material was kicking my ass at first, but I started reading a chapter right before going to sleep (inst
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
I like the sleep trick for remembering passwords. Works like a charm.
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
/I'm not sure how true that is or isn't.
//Suppose I should sleep on it
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
My current client seems to accept that when I seem to be slacking off browsing the web, that is when I am probably working hardest for him. As soon as inspiration strikes I will start churning out code a good 10-15 times faster than the other guys here. (Plus the code is generally orders of magnitude better.)
Unfortunately some of the other guys try to emulate my genius by browsing the web too, but for them it really is slacking. They don't gots the magic.
Yeah. I'm damn good at what I do, even if I someti
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
My explanation was that I was rn'ing comp.lang.perl to LEARN it. (I even posted and got helpful info from not only Randall, but from Christiansen!)
After that I wrote a script to kick off jobs that would sleep and do random stuff.
I'm damn good at what I do, even if I sometimes forget that I am as great as I am.
I smell a new years resolution...
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:2)
You know, like physical therapy, em? You know you have had a hip replacement, so just deal with the pain and start walking. Nah. A systematic regime of physical therapy will help make you strong and prevent future injury.
Same thing, even moreso, with the brain. A lot of people have tons of bad habits and unhealthy worldviews due to their issues and not seeing them for so long. It takes a lot of "exercise" to "exorcize" them. It's like getting your neurons rearranged o
Re:something I'm not clear on... (Score:1)
Nice explanation.
Slashdot requires you to wait longer between hitting 'reply' and submitting a comment.
It's been 12 seconds since you hit 'reply'.
Chances are, you're behind a firewall or proxy, or clicked the Back button to accidentally reuse a form. Please try again. If the problem persists, and all other options have been tried, contact the site administrator.
no blame! :) (Score:2)
Taking responsibility, though, is good!
Therapy is good (Score:1)
I was once told that it was a form of narcissism to take things personally, that no one thinks about you as much as you think they're thinking about you. There is a grain of truth in that, even if I didn't like the doctor who told it to me. :-) Most people, especially in casual conversation aren't thinking through everything they're saying and assume the listener will take
i like you (Score:2)
Roots, man. That's what you need. You need to put down some real roots to get nourishment from the world around you, and then you can bend and sway with the world and not get uprooted.
Trees are strong.
You have to be who you are, growing and whole, and then nothing can break you- personalities are hopefully more round than trees, and harder to uproot.
Hang in there. Don't waste time on blame, and i have my own bad habits to deal with, so we'll be patient with each other.
Can
Re:i like you (Score:2)
yeah roots. i understand that. something i haven't had in, well, i can't really remember ever having roots. i don't look at it as something i've lacked... just a component i have done without. but i understand the importance of roots.
thought of something... (Score:1)
Many just don't know it.
This comment brought to you by the letters W T F and B B Q.
Uhm off topic (Score:1)
Re:Uhm off topic (Score:1)
When I was a kid I had a Star Wars colouring book. One picture was a Stormtrooper - nothing else. Easiest damn picture I ever coloured in! Those dudes wear white armour - the page is already white. Without even picking up a pencil you're done. 8-)
Dave? (Score:2)
The people who most commonly "care" and "worry" aloud for others are the ones who get caught up in the "How could this have happend?" and "Why did this happen to me/him/her?" instead of the real question: "How can we make it better?"
You said before that it's kind of a good thing that Jenn worries about everything, because it evens me out, and I worry about nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I have my worri
Re:Dave? (Score:2)
-Ab
PDD-NOS (Score:2)
I'm VERY familiar with PDD-NOS, aka Personality Devlopment Disorder, not otherwise specified. It's cousin is PD It's the catch-all for people who may be autistic but aren't specifically covered by one of the other disorders in the DSM-IV. This is the first you've mentioned the inability to understand other people- the replay of conversations in your mind in an attempt t
Re:PDD-NOS (Score:2)
He's just not wired to learn verbal communications by audio.
He can get the subleties of emotional exchange just fine- it's that there's stuff going on already, and he processes audio slowly if it's got heavy left-brain meaning. He also lived TEN YEARS with someone who spent all her time mad at him and wouldn't play fair, so it's to be understood if he's not in the habit of speaking up. She's left scars in him that i just can't stop being appalled at; i can on
Re:PDD-NOS (Score:2)
Re:PDD-NOS (Score:1)
MH42, I think you meant Pervasive Development Disorder. Whatever. We both know what you meant, regardless of which is "right".
Blinder,
Definately get back to therapy.
If you need people to talk to, know that we're here for you.
sounds like you're being hard on yourself (Score:1)
you're alright dave. sure you've got some things to work on, but as em pointed out, we all do. all you can do is assess and move forward.
you may feel like you've backslided all the way, but if you examine things, you're not in the same place you were. you're in a totally different situation and need to learn how what you've learned applie
Re: (Score:2)
I know of what you speak. (Score:2)
I don't feel pity for you, I am sad that people go through this. I also know that "cheering up" won't help right now. No problem.
acoa/abandoment issues (acoa is: adult child of an alcoholic) which feed most of my self-esteem problems (i tend to constantly beat myself up, for just about everything... and i have thin skin, so whenever anyone around me expresses anger, frustration or dismay... i figure its because of me)
Easy concept, sometimes-difficult journey
Turning Stupid (Score:2)
Whatever you need (Score:2)
Hey, I'm not going to tell you I know what you're going through, but I have been through something similiar. I have OCD, and it was pretty bad for a while. The thing which saved my life was working with a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapist). From what you're talking about, it seems that this is absolutely the kind of person you need to be working with.
I'd be more than happy to talk to you about this if you want, you can find me on AIM at AntiFreeze42 (or reach me at gmail at the same name). I will be away
Been there got one (Score:2)
Resonance... (Score:1)
This is something I need to work on too. I need to be able to just let go of some things, but instead I find myself replaying conversations
A relapse and a new beginning (Score:2)
Sounds like you're already on the right track - taking responsibility, recognizing the easy excuses, finding a new therapist, and so on. Yeah, that is definitely a temporary relapse
what you described (Score:1)
I have always felt that the best sign of a healthy mind is knowing when to ask for help. Hope you find a good therapist.
this is fun, being able to respond the same day a post is wr
I think I'm worse than you... (Score:2)
The thing that would immediately separate us is I simply refuse to acknowledge a lot of things.
It's like when my dad got busted for DUI. He just stopped drinking the next day. Bam! Went to AA and announced to the all of them that they were fucking weak and if they wanted to stop they would. He was drinking about a case of Schmidt's every 2 days at the time with liberal doses of Jack
late night thoughts (Score:2)
If you have problems and want to work on solutions, this is a good and difficult thing to do - go for it. If being labelled ______ means you have new, effective strategies and tools at your disposal, your "label" is a GOOD thing. If you always use your label as an excuse and a means to avoid doing the hard work on i
I wouldn't call it a relapse (Score:1)
You get to a point in therapy where you have solved all the problems at the surface and there's nowhere to go. That's when you take a break until the next set of problems/issues surface and then you go back.
I wish you luck on finding a new therapist that will work well with you.
^_^