i've been out of therapy for a good long time now (about five months), all because i got laid off, and had to move (no medical coverage).
well, now that i've been working and have full benefits again, i've realized i need to start therapy again. i've known this all a long. i never, not once, thought that i was "cured" and could just not work on stuff without professional help. but, lately, i've realized, on my own, that i do indeed need to go back.
so, i got an email from one of our hr folks telling me where the online directory listing lives (to find a provider) and i started going through it this morning. the system is setup completely different than what i had in baltimore so i was just mostly left scratching my head at the over 300 listings.
i had to select "symptoms" and well, they weren't well defined. so, i had to do a bit of googling to figure it out. well, i find this page, which also happens to be published by my insurance company, that details what the symptoms mean.
turns out, my symptoms are best described as a "personality disorder."
oh good. i have often thought i never really had a definable personality.
so, i have two issues that need work. my acoa/abandoment issues (acoa is: adult child of an alcoholic) which feed most of my self-esteem problems (i tend to constantly beat myself up, for just about everything... and i have thin skin, so whenever anyone around me expresses anger, frustration or dismay... i figure its because of me). the other issue is a whole slew of grief issues i'm still holding on to.
yeah, so personality disorder. i don't like to think of myself as having a "disorder." i'm the one in our family who doesn't have problems. i'm supposed to be the one who is just laid back and goes with the flow. well, as i look around, that isn't the case. as i look around, i see that i've become, things i don't like... things i hate.
i've become lazy. i've let my avoidance problems to take over. i've forgotton how to follow through on just about everything. all the progress i made over the last year in those areas has been eroded... and i let it happen. i have no one to blame but myself.
oh sure, i have excuses. being laid off, moving, new life... etc. no... that shit just doesn't fly with me. everyone has excuses. what i need to pick up is responsiblity and leave the excuses in the gutter.
i picked out four names and phone numbers of doctors that specialize in grief and personality disorders. i'm not comfortable calling them from work because i don't have privacy. yeah, nothing like summarizing why i need an initial consultation over the phone with five or so co-workers within earshot. but then again, why the fuck should i care? they've already formed their opinions of me, doesn't matter what that may be.
i know i'm rambling. i don't feel good. i got an email from a friend who shed some light on a few things for me, and while nothing that i read is news to me, it was the context in which it was delivered that made the most impact.
right now i feel terrible. its taking everything i have to just not burst out into tears here at work. that just won't do. but fuck it. it doesn't matter. yeah i have problems. they are my ___own___ and its my job to take care of it. and i don't need pity, or any cheering up... i need professional help to get some tools to work on things.
i need to work on being a better person to myself. i need to stop the inner dialogs that are preventing me from actually hearing what is being said to me. i need to learn to understand better. i have a very slow mind. my mind works very slowly. i have to often replay a conversation over and over again in my head in order to get an understanding what i've been told... and that's where the defective filter comes into play. i need to grow thicker skin. i have to stop being so fragile. its odd, yeah, i'm fragile emotionally, but also tough... as tough as they come. i've been through a lot... and i'm still here. they haven't figured out a way to kill me yet, but i break easily. i don't want to break so easily. i want to learn to be less fragile but still care about things that are important to me.
i've seen it, people get tougher and break less easy because they stop caring. they turn completely inward and have no time or attention to anyone but themselves. i don't want that. i am sensitive, i care about people and the things they go through and i pride myself on being able to place myself in someone else's shoes... i don't want to lose that. but i also don't want to be damaged in the process.
i'm feeling really stupid right now. right now i feel like everything i've said here is completely empty. its because i've done a pretty good job at falling back on an old familiar skill... my ability to hide stuff that is going on in me. the reason i hide is, my fear of disapointment. i need to learn that i can't please everyone and everything, and by trying will only make things worse.
oh well. i'm calling this period a relapse. not a failure. my instinct is to call it a failure. but i won't. i've relapsed into old behavior patterns, but my initial round of therapy has taught me awareness... my eyes are still open which is why i can still see that things need work.