Santa Claus is a Black Man

Journal sielwolf's Journal: Santa Claus is a Black Man 6

Journal by sielwolf on Tuesday December 20, 2005 @11:16PM

Imperial Western revisionist history has many casualties in its quest for enobling the Caucasian ideal but no victim more sad than the truth. And while discussions of the true origins of Hellenistic culture, the Jesu Christos or the lineage of the Egyptian Pharoahs are the more popular topics to reveal the whitewashing the past has received, no little amount of work has been done to the most feverently worshipped of the Christian saints:

Saint Nicholas of Myra, the gift giver who every year acts as the corporate icon for the Global Economy's great consumer cash-in, Christmas. In no small irony the same non-Western nations who had suffered under the whip of Western colonialism now gleefully have this jolly old elf insinuate his big fat bloated McDonald's preservative-greased image splattered on every piece of merchandise produced between the months of October and December (January to September are no different; a markdown of 80% is just applied to last season's crap). Saint Nicholas is a lay saint and yet the greatest of saints, the one worshipped the world over in the unification church of the Credit Card that every child of this planet is baptized into in a tidal flurry of prenatal purchasing.

What is most insidious is how this petty stooge for the corporations, Santa Claus, comes from a complex and powerful figure, Saint Nicholas of Myra, who perfectly fit the profit-mongers needs save the one nasty fact that he was a pure-bred asiatic prince, his race as pure as the waters of the lower Nile. This proud black figure who had been locked out of the ivory towers of Europe was then hustled quickly through the backdoors of the Caucasian orthodoxy and emerged as the convenient product marker for the biggest swindle in American history: Black Friday.

1000 BC

First, let us begin with a bit of history. Saint Nicholas was born in 3rd century Myra, at the time part of Byzantine Lycia. Much like any person predating visual historical tools, there are no artifacts of Saint Nicholas other than a rich oral tradition. After he was commodified, the prehistorians of the Vatican created a retrograde history of images where Nicholas was conveniently a son of Yakub, slight pale features that were acceptable among the oligarchy of the Papal states.

Myra had been inhabited by human settlements since prehistoric times up through the first millenia BC where they were assimilated by the Greeks in their Eastern migration from the Myceneae. What historians forget are the very legends of the Greek Hellenes who spoke of exotic dark skinned warriors from the interior of the Turkish penninsula. The legend helped give rise to the female warrior Amazons who made an appearance at Troy as mercenaries. What is more, studies by Nathaniel Merrimonte of Johns Hopkins University has found discriptions of colonies of the indigenous Lycians in records of the Hittities in the 2nd millenia BC! That means a historic Black/Asiatic people existed over a thousand years in Lycia before the Hellenes even arrived! The later conquests by the Turks and Persians only strengthened these ethnic ties and it was only later with the expansion of the Macedonian hordes and the defeat of Darius were the indigenous Lycians dispersed into the larger melting pot of post-Alexander Persia.

Saint Na'akatus

The Hittite empire, fractured by invasions by hordes from all compass directions disappeared by the 5th century BC but its socio-ethnic character preserved in several fragmented Afro-Asiatic nations all along the Eastern coast of the mother continent. One of note, was the Kingdom of Aksum which became a burgeoning trading power up from the Cape Horn all the way to the most distant Persian Gulf coastal states. Common history states that between the years 325 and 328 AD the nation converted to Christianity. What most Western histories discount are the village oral histories of a wizened older man from "a village to the mountains North" named Na'akatus who brought Christianity to the outlying towns of the Aksum empire before finishing his pilgrimage in the capital where the Emperor gave himself to Christ. These same stories give this saint's full name (as per the social norms of the Empire to prefix the given name with where the person was from) as "Mai'ra Li'kan Na'akatus". What is interesting is that the phonemes for the long 'y' or 'l' were not present in the 4th century dialect of Aksum.

So not only was this Myra Lycian Nicholas a Christian holy man from the North, but he could only come from a place where such phrasing existed to introduce it to Northeast Africa!! And even more, the use of "village" was only used in reference to other Asiatic human centers. Later when White colonists began to pillage the mother continent, a totally alien term (the closest English synonym would be "giraffe-boat") was used for the cities the Europeans erected. So not only was Na'akatus from Myra but he was a fellow Asiatic man the color of beautiful ebon!

Even more, the common history has Na'akatus, now very old, wedding the Emperor's only heir, his daughter, and continuing the bloodline of Aksum!

Things get Heavy (12th Century AD to the 20th)

Those familiar with African Christianity knows what that last bit of information means but for the lay out there I'll connect the dots. In the 12th century AD, the Aksum empire was conquered by the Zagwe. However, in 1270, Yekuno Amlak, son of a slavewoman, overthrew the Zagwe king Za-Ilmaknun and founded what would become the foundation of Ethiopia. Some histories speak of an epic struggle not unlike that of Anakin Skywalker, with force powers, light sabers, overused bluescreen and all (although the light sabers were actually more of a short thrusting spear with a wide fat blade. Imagine Shaka Zulu with badass effects. Not those shitty kind from Battle Beyond the Stars). Yekuno Amlak (nee Skywalker), now king, traced from his father, Tasfa Iyasus, the blood of Dil Na'od, the last Aksum king (and blood heir to Saint Na'akatus). I'll spare the (albeit fascinating) details but the history of Ethiopia would continue through to Haile Selassie I, born July 23, 1892. For scholars Selassie is very important as the Christian messiah prophesized and recognized by the Rastafari movement (more familiar to White folk as Rastafarianism, a pejorative to the Rastas). So not only did Saint Nicholas of Myra bring Christianity to Africa, he is also one of the deep sturdy roots of the Solomonid Dynasty and Rastafari! Now one might think that this news would be something to celebrate in the diaspora. But during the same duration, a conspiracy had begun to brew that would see the African peoples stripped of one more of their precious icons.

Meanwhile, Back at the Fortress of Evil

The Vast White People Conspiracy (VWPC) can be traced back to the actions of the Hanseatic League of coastal Germany. One of the first merchantile organizations, the Hanseatic League soon came to dominate trade across the North and Baltic Seas starting with the 13th century AD. Like much of Northern Europe in the middle ages, the Hanseatic states were a tight-assed lot that always found a way to squeeze a dime out of the blood of anyone else (when not mining their own rectal depths for diamonds they pressed from coal). They were also uniformly Christian. Aware of the power of the ancient cavedweller myths of the Norse god Wodan who would reward good little white children with gifts while punishing evil runt crackers with his team of vengeance ravens (one can see similarities to the schlock-goth films, The Crow and Dirty Dancing) , the Hanseatic League saw another business opportunity. The problem was that there would be no way to officially sell a Wodan-Day to the Church (who ran rap in central Europe at the time). Martin Luther was a bit off so they just did the thing that white people are best at: coopting and destroying outside cultures.

One of the Hanseatic council fellows, Werther von Stiermist, at the 1499 Semiannual Hanseatic Conference at the Hanseatic Alpine Ice Fortress remembered a marginally known canonized saint, Nicholas of Myra who was known as the patron of pawnbrokers. "If we can some how take this negro magicman," recently uncovered transcripts show, "and use him in place of our neanderthal pagan holiday, we can get the saps to throw their money away on all sorts of crazy shit! Fruitcakes! Wrapping paper! Who knows where this could end?!"

The plan was quickly accepted, Powerpoint viewgraphs were distributed and the Hanse set about filling their storefronts with jolly redclad (but always Yakub Caucasian) caricatures on the last Friday of the last full week of November. This was corresponded with Unbelievably Low Low Prices that None of Our Competitors Can Beat! and similar paraphenalia to hypnotize the seizing monied white masses of Europe. Only the convenience of the plot would have Americans celebrate their giving of small pox laden blankets to Native Americans on the Thursday proceeding this day (to be known in the Hanseatic memos as Black Friday. The name would stick).

There was one flaw in that the selected holiday, Saint Nicholas Day, was set arbitrarily at December 5th. This was one thing von Stiermist and the rest of the Hanseatic Elders should have seen plainly: there was only a good week of shopping between Black Friday and the holiday! The first few years of Saint Nicholas Day were an absolute failure as parents raced home to their local horse and buggy 7-11 and bought cheap crap from the counter and stuck it (unpackaged no less) under the fireplace for their kids. This was no way to run a VWPC and the Hanseatic League knew it. Luckily they had a solution.

Fukka Da Pope-ah!

Using the latest in evil German robotic technology (which, at the time, consisted of three short men and a complicated series of wood pulleys and leather straps) the Hanseatic League had a little known priest, Martin Luther, "replaced". Their simulacrum in place, Robot Marthin Luther (who accounts would recognize later as looking identical except for a pencil thin moustache) nailed the 95 Theses to the door of Castle Church (the Theses written quickly by a the Hanseatic Committee for Really Evil Conspiratorial Documents) and proceeded to set off the Protestant Reformation.

As Europe erupted, Martin Luther, unnoticed by many, quietly shifted the December holiday from Saint Nicholas' Day ("to avoid worship of a canonized papal saint") to the worship of the "Christkind" on December 25th. This was perfect: the Hanseatic League had a good square month to hype of the holiday and get the cash flowing out of the consumers pockets and into consuming conspicuous goods. The Reformation had additional benefits. The loosening of the Holy See's control over schoolchildren in the North meant that Hanseatic agents could infiltrate classrooms and have the youngsters work on time-eating projects where they dreamed of all the wonderful things their sinister little cracker hearts could and send them rushing home to mommy and daddy to begin a word of mouth terror campaign the likes of which the world had never seen (one could say the Hanseatic League was the original Apple and von Stiermist the original Steve Jobs- no wait. No white motherfucker is even close to being as much of a purple headed dick as that Jobs motherfucker. I stand corrected).

As the warlike peoples of Europe expanded, so did their bale holiday. Spread far and wide to their conquered peoples, selling them the sweet stink of the bottom of colonialism's boot for the next four hundred years.

But little did they know, Justice was coming.

Black Strikes Back

When Haile Selassie was exiled in 1936, it is often written that he spent the next five years in the United Kingdom. In truth, no one was really sure where Selassie was. He had taken a cruise line bound for the Thames but was not onboard when the ship disembarked. Recently uncovered journals by Selassie himself illustrate a truth more strange than fiction.

For some reason, between the coast of Moracco and Spain, Selassie got a great urge to head north. Far far into the Arctic. He spoke of one night waking up and seeing a winter sky and a beam of laser light came down right on his temple and told him he must head to a place he had never been but always remembered. So he stole away in one of the ship's lifeboats and made the arduous trek to the North Pole. Many might say that this was impossible, being that he was just one man on a lifeboat and there was a thousand miles of unforgiving North Atlantic to traverse but, shit, he's the godhead! Tiz Jah ya know! And you can be sure he didn't go overboard without like a ten pound bag of the finest wettest redhaired dadda spliff you've ever had. He's probably like Popeye and shit: took three big tokes and shot off over the horizon, the keel not even touching the fucking waves an' shit!

And so when he got there, Selassie saw this big snowy mountain and it was calling to him and when he got inside, it was like all crystals and shit. You know, like in Superman? But instead of there being the giant floating head of that overrate fatass Marlon Brando in there there was the head of Saint Nicholas (cause, you see, they totally stole that idea from Selassie for the movie because they wanted to undermine him! Don't you seeeee? It. all. makes. sense!). Nicholas told him about where he came from and Selassie finally knew: he was going to save the world from all those big white rich motherfuckers and the VWPC!

Suddenly an army of some really short motherfuckers showed up and told Selassie they were his crew and like they'd always be down for him. And so he had them set out making him a badass fucking ride to do battle with Santa Claus over the skies of Gotham City. But first they fixed up his look with some nice fine red robes and shit. And he didn't go about in no flying sled. It was like the P-Funk Spaceship. I'm telling you: you go back and talk to any of those old Rastas on Jamaica and they'll tell you all sorts of shit about that spaceship. White people would use that Roswell crap to discredit dude but nobody gives a damn about that dorky Fox Mulder and his bigfoot girlfriend shit. No, it was time for action. Selassie would take on the guise of Saint Nicholas, like each of the Ethiopian kings before him, and protect the weak and the helpless from all that was evil and white.

ENDGAME

Selassie set about bringing joy and cheer and stompings to any motherfuckers who got in his way. He and his rag tag crew of Rastas rolling out giant weeklong soundclash jamsessions and then saving people from burning buildings and stuff. One could recount his adventures like it was the Avengers before they started going off into outerspace and running into all those goofy aliens and totally destroying the mis en scene Jack Kirby set up.

The foremost of the Saint's hurdles was the insideous "holiday" Kwanzaa. This "ode to African harvest festivals" is nothing more than a way of majority Western forces to set Asiatic peoples against each other and resigning them to the gutter as they eat themselves alive in another round of Black on Black. Instead of repatriating Christmas back from the Supply-side Theological Corporations, Kwanzaa was designed as fool's gold to neutralize Black nationalism with a goofy holiday that nobody has a damn clue what is going on (like it has candles... but is this Haunakah or something? Hello? Is this thing on? ANYBODY?!?). Saint Nicholas says its like when bank robbers take hostages and put them up in front of the windows so they're human shields. Yeah, it's like that. But the Saint ain't fooled. He's got his spaceship and he's coming for you motherfuckers. So if you here something like a *whoop-whoop-whoop-PSSSSSSSSSSSSGGGGHTTTTTK-THOMP!* you better look busy! Coming to a city near you!

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

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