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Journal Quantum Jim's Journal: First place yet still depressed (more non-nerd stuff) 4

I won first place in both the gi and no-gi lightweight novice divisions in the Ultimate Force 2005 grappling tournament. I fought twice with my kimono on and twice without. Therefore, I went 4-0 today. Pictures and video forthcomming.

I should feel great; however, I don't. I spent all week stressing over my weight (I was 160, now I'm 152) and having nightmares about losing in the first ten seconds. It is a relief that I don't have to worry any more!!! However, I am still a little nervous since now I must to well for now on. I will have to fight in more experienced weight divisions like intermediate or beginner in the future... I feel like everyone expects me to do good, and I keep thinking I will choke.

I even found myself rationalizing my wins. With my kimono on, the first person I defeated was a lot lighter than me and actually wanted me to go up a weight class. He is my friend and I look up him; I still feel he has better technique than me. In the championship gi match, my opponent was also a friend. I actually think fighing people I know is more fun, but he had trouble getting intense for the match. I ended up winning by scoring 12 points more than him (a technical submission).

Without the kimono I almost lost both matches; however, I won at the end partly because my opponents were wrestlers not grapplers. Their technique was very bad, and I just held out until they made a mistake. I tapped both of them; however, they were in much much better shape than me. I was very intimidated and expected to lose.

Does this take away from my victories? This is the first time I ever won first place at any sport. I want to be proud, and I bragged a little. But too much pride is often a sin (and not solely for religious reasons). I feel humbled by my opponents, yet nervous about the future. I'm even sad a little for hurting them enough to submit during the matches! (Not enough to quit, but still is worries me.)

I began studying Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu only to lose weight. Now I have, but I still feel fat. My self image is shot even though I won first place twice. Does anyone else feel not as good as they thought they would after winning?

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First place yet still depressed (more non-nerd stuff)

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  • And don't stress about it. Too much. It is only natural to note (and even obsess over) your flaws. Doing so will help you shore up your weak areas. I'm willing to bet that if you could have been a fly on the wall in Frank Shamrocks dressing room, you would have heard him worry about his abilities and crediting dumb luck, too. But not Bruce Lee. 'Cuz he were the man and stuff. :-)

    Oh, and there is always a little luck involved. You just need to train to maximize yours. Or, to quote from the Night Before Chris
    • Thanks for the encouragement. That means a lot to me comming from you. It is hard to focus objectively about a subjective issue though! :-) I understand what you mean and will keep that in mind.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. -- Blaise Pascal