Fortunato_NC's Journal: Scooby-Doo Meets George W. Bush

The writing bug hit me this evening, so I pounded out some subpar political satire. Enjoy!

Scooby-Doo, starring in: SCOOBY-DOO and The Case of The Missing Recruits

Featuring Special Guest Stars: President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, and the Harlem Globetrotters!

SCENE ONE

EXTERIOR - DAY

The MYSTERY MACHINE rolls to a halt along a dusty road in front of the SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE. FRED and DAPHNE get out to investigate.

FRED:

        It looks like we're out of gas, guys!

SHAGGY:

        Zoinks! And there's nothing around for miles except for that old armed forces recruiting office!

DAPHNE:

        I think I see a light on inside. Maybe someone there can help us!

SCOOBY-DOO:

        Ruh-uh! Rot Rat Rary Rold Race!

FRED:

        Daphne's right. I mean, where else are we going to go?

PAN RIGHT to LARGE, WELL LIT GAS STATION. PAN LEFT to MYSTERY MACHINE. THE GANG walks away from the MYSTERY MACHINE towards the SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE.

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE TWO

INTERIOR - SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE - DAY

As they enter the SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE we see a poster on the wall, the familiar "I want you!" poster. Only on our poster, we see that Uncle Sam's eyes don't just seem to follow you as you move about the room, they actually do. As we move to the next room, enter SGT. SMITH.

SHAGGY:

        Like, hey man, who are you?

SGT. SMITH:

        Son, are you on pot? Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, Uncle Sam is willing to overlook a few transgressions in your past if you can convince me you're ready to be an army of one and help keep the world safe for democracy! And believe me, I'm easy to convince! Especially when it's the 25th of the month, and I haven't met my recruiting goals.

FRED:

        I'm sorry, sir! We're not here to sign up for the military, we just ran out of gas back there on the road.

SGT. SMITH:

        I'm talking about giving you the chance to make sure we never run out of gas, son! You ever been to South Carolina? It's beautiful there, especially around Parris Island, I mean Hilton Head.

FRED:

        No sir, I'm sorry, I've stayed out of South Carolina because of the NAACP started that boycott because of the Confederate flag on the statehouse grounds.

VELMA:

        And actually, sir, many scientists believe we will run out of oil in between one hundred and four hundred years.

SGT. SMITH:

        Why do you smarty pants keep calling me sir? I work for a living! My name's Sgt. Smith!

SHAGGY:

        Nice to meet you sir, I mean, sergeant.

SCOOBY-DOO:

        Reh-roh, rar-rent rith!

SGT. SMITH:

        Anyway, I ain't got no gas. I haven't been able to afford gas since the ghosts started appearing and gas prices shot up to two and a half dollars a gallon.

VELMA:

        Jinkies!

SHAGGY:

        Zoinks!

SCOOBY DOO:

        A ruh-ruh-ruh roast?

SGT. SMITH:

        Yep. What with the ghosts and the high gas prices, no one's come around my recruiting office for weeks now!

DAPHNE:

        Uh, don't you think the fact that we're at war might keep people away from the recruiting office? I mean, the military is a great deal when it gets you out of the ghetto and into a good college, but if you leave the ghetto and end up in Falluja, some people might not see that as much of a change! You were probably better off in South Central, seeing as the police there don't discard their uniforms and run off at the first sign of trouble.

SGT. SMITH:

        No, I'm pretty sure it's the ghosts...

FRED:

        Well, gee, Sgt. Smith, me and the gang here are pretty good at solving mysteries. Perhaps we can help you with your mystery!

SGT SMITH:

        That would be mighty nice of you kids! The president and Dick Cheney will be here tomorrow, and I don't want that ghost causing any trouble.

As THE GANG walks back out of the SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE, we again see the poster of Uncle Sam, and again, the eyes follow THE GANG across the room.

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE THREE

INTERIOR - SODA SHOP - EVENING

As we zoom in on the window of the SODA SHOP, THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS walk by silently. We see THE GANG inside, sharing a table. SCOOBY-DOO and SHAGGY are sharing a large milkshake with mountains of whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

DAPHNE:

        I don't know - a ghost in a recruiter's office? That sounds super-duper fishy to me!

SHAGGY:

        Like, I don't care, man - you couldn't get me back in there with a three by five draft card!

FRED:

        Don't you mean a ten foot pole?

SHAGGY:

        I don't care if it's a ten foot thai stick, I'm not going back!

SCOOBY-DOO (looks up from a nearly empty milkshake, with foam on his mouth):

        Ruh-ruh! Ree Reither!

VELMA:

        Look, Shaggy, it obviously isn't a ghost. And the president is coming tomorrow, with Dick Cheney! Do you want the sergeant to get into trouble?

SHAGGY:

        Well, if we're going back, I'd better finish my milkshake and get started reading the recruiting brochures - hey! Scooby, you drank the whole milkshake!

SCOOBY-DOO:

        Ree-hee-hee!

SHAGGY:

        That's it, Scooby! No more Alice B. Toklas brownies for you!

SCOOBY-DOO:

        Ree-hee-hee! Rye ron't rare!

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE FOUR

INTERIOR - SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE - DAY

The next day, THE GANG returns to the SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE to meet SGT. SMITH, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, and VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY. We notice that the eyes from the poster are absent. We also see that VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY is carrying several books.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:

        And as I was telling Dick here just yesterday, freedom is on the march, thanks to the bravery of men and women just like you recruits here.

FRED:

        But Mr. President, we're not here to join the military, we're here to solve a mystery!

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:

        What kind of mystery, son?

FRED:

        Well, there is a ghost that's haunting this recruiting office and scaring all the potential recruits away! Sgt. Smith thinks it might be responsible for the high gas prices, too.

As FRED is talking, we see SCOOBY-DOO looking at VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY'S load of books. We can see the title "SECRET ENERGY TASK FORCE MEETING MINUTES" on the top of the stack. VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY looks at SCOOBY-DOO and slides the books behind his back. SCOOBY-DOO looks confused.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:

        A ghost! Well, I hope you kids can get to the bottom of this. Sgt. Smith is running short on his goal this month, and if he doesn't make it, Donald Rumsfeld is going to put this place on the BRAC list!

Exit PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH and VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY.

SHAGGY:

        Zoinks!

SGT. SMITH:

        That's right, kids. If they close this old place, I don't know what I'm going to do.

DAPHNE:

        Don't you worry, Sgt. Smith. We're not going to let that happen. We'll get to the bottom of this, right, Fred?

FRED:

        Right! Let's split up. I'll go with Daphne, and ---

SHAGGY:

        Scooby and I will go off with the dumpy bitch with the glasses. We know, we know. Jesus.

VELMA:

        Watch yourself, you burned-out neo-hippie freak! I swear to God I will cut you and that stupid mutt if you so much as put one toe out of line. I'll enjoy it, too.

FRED (aside, to DAPHNE):

        Damn, Velma should really consider cutting back on the cocaine!

FRED (to all):

        Okay, Daphne and I will search the blogosphere using Sgt. Smith's laptop. Shaggy, you guys will search the Middle East using a Humvee with hillbilly armor. We'll meet back here in a week!

SHAGGY:

        Zoinks! Like, we're gonna die, Scoob!

SCOOBY-DOO:

        Roll, row! Rhis ris rucking rulrhit!

VELMA:

        Now, President Bush says that the freedom is on the march and that most of the freedom-loving Iraqi people welcome us as liberators. What could be so bad?

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE FIVE

EXTERIOR - 250 YARDS FROM THE BAGHDAD INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

The next day. The camera follows SCOOBY-DOO, SHAGGY, and VELMA riding in the HUMVEE, which is armored with parts scavenged from the MYSTERY MACHINE. Ten seconds into this scene, an IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICE detonates, and the HUMVEE flips over.

SHAGGY:

        Like, medic!

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE SIX

INTERIOR - WALTER REED ARMY MEDICAL CENTER - DAY

Ten days later. SHAGGY, now missing his left leg below the knee sits beside the bed of SCOOBY-DOO, who is hooked to a ventilator and has a feeding tube. We hear the steady beep, beep, beep of a heart monitor. FRED and DAPHNE are entering the door, but VELMA is conspicuously absent.

SHAGGY:

        He's my best friend. Like, I can't turn off the ventilator.

FRED:

        The doctors say his brain is injured beyond the point of recovery. Shaggy, he's just not there any more.

DAPHNE:

        I know it's hard, Shaggy, but you should let him go. Scooby would have wanted it that way.

SHAGGY:

        Yeah, but, like, Pat Robertson and James Dobson say that if I take him off life support, I'm, like, a murderer. Like, I don't know what to believe!

FRED:

        You're not a murderer, Shag! You're just a guy trying to do what his dog would have wanted.

SHAGGY:

        Like, he was a dog that could talk. Now, his brain is slowly shrinking and, like, being replaced with cerebrospinal fluid. Kind of like Tom Delay's after he was made majority whip. I know what I have to do.

FADE TO BLACK. The sound of the heart monitor continues after the fade, then quickens, then goes to the familiar drone of a flatline.

SCENE SEVEN

INTERIOR - SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE - DAY

The next day. THE GANG, sans VELMA and SCOOBY-DOO is at the SPOOKY ARMED FORCES RECRUITING OFFICE, along with SGT. SMITH, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, and VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY. The SHERIFF is there as well.

FRED:

        Well, Sgt. Smith, we've solved the mystery! And we didn't even have to cook up an elaborate scheme to trap the ghost. Which is good, seeing as we're short two now.

SGT. SMITH:

        Well, if you didn't capture the ghost, how did you solve the mystery?

FRED:

        Well, it seems that people aren't being scared away from the recruiting station by a ghost, Sergeant. They're just not convinced that they should sign up to fight a war that, best they can figure, was started for no other reasons that to settle old scores and enrich Halliburton!

SGT. SMITH:

        What kind of monster would do that?!?!

SHAGGY:

        Like, these monsters right here!

SHAGGY points at PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH and VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY. SGT. SMITH and the SHERIFF gasp.

SHERIFF:

        So, I suppose this is where you unmask the real villains, right?

DAPHNE tugs at VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY's face. However, it quickly becomes obvious that he isn't wearing a mask.

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY:

        Ouch! That hurts! Stop!

DAPHNE:

        No, Sheriff. These men aren't wearing masks. But they are your criminals!

SHAGGY:

        Like, the president wanted to get back at Saddam Hussein for trying to kill his daddy, even before 9/11. But, like, he knew the public's desire for revenge and the general atmosphere of fear wouldn't be a foolproof pretext for war!

FRED:

        So he and Dick Cheney pushed around the CIA and the State Department until everyone "agreed" that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction that could be ready to drop on Butte, Montana in 30 minutes or less!

DAPHNE:

        And as the former CEO of Halliburton, the vice president had every reason to go along with the idea. He was due millions in deferred compensation, and Halliburton was facing bankruptcy due to liabilities from a former asbestos maker that he had decided to acquire! But if Halliburton were to secure contracts to serve soldiers in a war zone and rebuild Iraq's oilfields, his pension would be safe! Not safe in the "about to be dumped on the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation" sense, like the pensions of millions of Americans, but in the "fully funded and flush with cash" sense.

SHERIFF:

        You mean, nearly 15,000 Americans have been killed or wounded to line the vice president's pockets and help the president settle a pissing match with a marginalized middle eastern dictator?

SGT. SMITH:

        That's even crazier than believing it was ghosts scaring the recruits away!

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:

        We'd have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY:

        Mr. President, we'll still get away with it if you label these little bastards as enemy combatants and ship em' off to Guantanamo.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:

        That's right!

SHAGGY:

        Like, zoinks!

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE EIGHT

EXTERIOR - CAMP DELTA, GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - DAY

We see the remnants of THE GANG in chain link outdoor "cells". SHAGGY has his hands bound behind him and is lying on the ground with pages from THE HOLY QURAN stuffed in his mouth. We pan right, away from the gang, and see that the next cell contains the SHERIFF and SGT. SMITH. We continue our pan, and in the next cell we see THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.

MEADOWLARK LEMON:

        This sucks.

CURLY NEAL:

        This REALLY sucks. I wish I hadn't let my preacher talk me into voting Republican.

FADE TO BLACK.

FIN.