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Journal Liora's Journal: Being distraught is no fun 12

Journal by Liora

I haven't written about this in my journal yet, and I wasn't going to, but I sort of need to vent. Especially since I feel like crying, and I am at work and that is not exactly allowed.

On the July 5, 1:00 am, a very loose acquaintance of my roommate's walked into my house and raped my roommate. We keep the doors locked, especially at night, but she had unlocked the door to take Kody the collie out and then would have locked it after putting Kody back into her kennel. Except that the guy walked in right after Kody was locked back up. Kody is pretty traumatized by this too, having been in the kennel and unable to do anything.

My roommate did the right thing and went to the hospital immediately and then to the police, and the guy was picked up later that night and she was able to identify him, plus she had gone to the hospital and they had done a rape kit.

Anyway, that was days ago, I'm not scared to be in my house even after all that, probably because I'm an idiot and I'm not afraid of anything, but today he goes to trial. And she will have to testify against him. And I am going to go along with her for moral support. But here's the thing. I am distraught and upset because I'm not sure how to deal with the feelings of having to see the person who violated the sanctity of my new house that I just purchased. In some ways I hope he gets the book, and in others I hope he gets off because there are plenty of people, my friends even, who are waiting to form a posse for the fellow, just because he put me in a position to be upset about my house and stuff. But in other ways, I'm really struggling with my faith. Christianity, turn the other cheek, blah blah, this guy raped my roommate. If ever there was an unforgiveable sin I would think it was that one. In some ways I am incredibly mad at myself for wanting this guy to experience some kind of pain in return for his terribleness, but in others, this guy is scum and death is too good for him! Any thoughts or consolation that could be offered at this point would be greatly appreciated.

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Being distraught is no fun More

Being distraught is no fun

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  • First of all, I'm sorry about all that happened. Unfortunately, stuff like this can't be prevented 100%, and the threat is always there. I guess you seem to be ok with the afterthought (although you may need to comfort your roommate for a while until she is comfortable again).

    Anyway, you know the posse idea is a bad one. Hope he gets the book thrown at him (which it should), because you don't want to go to a courtroom to provide moral support of your friends for battery.

    Our justice system has flaws, but it appears that your friend has a major upper hand in the situation, and the rapist should get enough years in jail that he will quickly become a fading memory.

    I hope the best thats possible for you and especially your roommate. Has she gotten counselling for the incident? Have you talked to anyone (priest/spiritual advisor) about this? I'm a christian, but not versed enough to provide spiritual advice or anything. All I can tell you, is that without bad we cannot see good. Yeah, its vague and doesn't comfort. Maybe technolust will pop over and help me out...

    Anyway, keep us posted, and send emails if you need support (mine is at my webpage [marotti.com], but if you know me well enough, its myfirstname@mylastname.com).

    • Yeah, I know a posse is a bad idea. And that's not something I am encouraging.

      She has seen a counselor about this, but she has not seen anyone from a church or whatever. She is a former mormon and she isn't going to a church right now so she's just floating as far as that goes, although she says she is a Christian, and I believe her (I always do with regard to statements like that).

      I haven't really talked to someone spiritually about this, partially because the young adult minister at my church is the "yeah, that's hard," or "that's a very valid point," type, so I am pretty sure he would offer very little solace. I think that he isn't sure what he himself believes on a lot of subjects, and isn't going to just spout something he's not sure about, so he has become the master of vague instead (I see that as he cares too much to feed me bull, not that he isn't knowledgeable or anything, because he is, he just doesn't have all the answers and knows it). And he's the guy I'm closest to, that I would really consider to be my spiritual advisor.

      I suppose I should probably make an appointment to talk with one of the senior pastors at church. They would probably have a better clue. And they'd probably pray with me. Or maybe I'll make an appointment with the young adult pastor's wife. She'd probably have something relevent to say.

      Anyway, I do know you well enough to know your email, but that's just because TechnoLust once blew your cover. I think I'm going to be okay, especially after the trial is over and stuff. It's just the bit now where I am so confused... a little less than two more hours before I am going to have to see the guy.

      • If you feel unsure, get someone you are close to, that isn't affected much by the incident, to come with you. Kinda like support for your support. Maybe a boyfriend of guy that you feel safe with.
      • Liora, I'm very sorry to hear about your roommate. First let me address your feelings. You said you are struggling with your Christianity, because you are angry towards this guy. Let me remind you of Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry, and sin not." You (and your roommate also) need to feel angry towards this guy. However, you must control your anger, so that you don't lower yourself to his level. God is just, and this man will answer for his sin. Were it up to me, he would end up in a cell with a very large man named Bubba who gives him a taste of his own medicine. That may or may not happen, but even if it doesn't, he will be punished.

        Now for your roommate... being male, there really is no way for me to begin to understand what she has gone through. However, I dated a girl for several years that had been raped by her uncle when she was younger. Before we dated, we were very close friends and she shared with me what happened. She seemed to think that when I found out, I would want nothing more to do with her, as if it were somehow her fault. If you roommate starts thinking she somehow provoked this, make her understand she did NOTHING to ask for this. If she has a hard time accepting this, read her Deuteronomy 22:25-26 "...and the man force, and lie with her: then only the man that lay with her shall die: But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death..."

        After we started dating, I had to be very careful with her. Sometimes, when we were close, (I don't mean sexual contact, I mean when I was holding her hand, or kissing her, or rubbing her shoulders, or she was leaning against me, etc.) she would jerk away and get nervous or act strange, then she would come back and try to apologize. I guess something would trigger a memory and she would have to stop and think of where she was. I told her it wasn't necessary to apologize, but she always did. If your roommate has a moment like this, especially with a guy friend around, it's probably best to not touch her or speak to her for a minute. This was hard for me, because I thought I could just hold her and make her feel safe. But whereas I associate being held with being safe in the arms of my parents, she associated being held and being restrained. Let your roommate know that these are normal reactions and she isn't weird or "messed up," it's just the way some people deal with it. When she starts dating again, it will take a very special guy to be with her. He will have to be patient and understanding. Even though it may be hard, I would recommend she tell guy she is thinking of getting serious with what happened. If my girlfriend hadn't told me, I would have been hurt that she kept pulling away from me.

        I don't know if your roommate was a virgin, but if she was, it adds a whole new aspect to things. My girlfriend was a virgin when she was raped. Since this was the only sexual experience she had had, she associated sex with pain, trauma, dirtiness, and hatred, rather than with love. It is important for you roommate to understand that God intended sex to be a wonderful happy experience between a man and his wife, who were in love and want to give each other their bodies. If she can understand that, she can still have a healthy marriage later. It is very difficult, but she has to try to associate the pain and anger with the guy, NOT with men in general or sex in general.

        I think you are right, Liora, this is probably the worst thing a person can do to another person. I know how you feel, reading you story conjured up feelings of anger towards my girlfriend's uncle. Even though we are no longer together, I still feel very protective of her, and angry towards him. I think rape and molestation should be a capital offense. Some of you may disagree with that, but this is something Liora's roommate (and everyone close to her to some degree) will have to deal with for the rest of her life. I think God has a special place in Hell prepared for rapists. I realize that this is very hard and a very personal thing for your roommate to deal with. I don't know much more that I could say to her, other than it didn't make my girlfriend any less appealing or attractive when I found out she had been raped. I didn't care for her any less, actually it made me more careful and protective of her. If there is anything else I can do to help, or if you need to talk about something or have a question I might be able to answer, you can email me at [my_slashdot_username]@email.com That one is a spam catcher, but if you want, email me at that address (make the subject 'Liora') and I will send you my primary email address.

        And sorry FortKnox for blowing your cover. ;-)

  • Rape is an interesting crime in that I think it is the only one for which there is never a justification. It's just about the most horrible thing that could happen to a person, too. I hope you and your friend (and Kody) will be able to get through this.
    • Rape is a hate crime, not (normally) done for sexual pleasure as much as to hurt the other person maliciously. Yeah, there really is no justification for why people do it, its just pure evil.
      • Rape is not usually a hate crime.

        It is about power, control, and domination.

        Some people have the sickening desire to gain complete control over a person's life and commit the ultimate act of violation.

        I do agree, though, it definitely is pure evil.
  • I'd say something nice right here but I can't think of anything that doesn't run the risk of making you feel worse. I'm not really good at the whole comforting thing. In a perfect world none of us would need to be.

    If you need a place to cry at work. May I suggest the restroom. It has a sink you can use to wash your face removing any evidence of crying. Not to mention the ample supply of paper-towels.

    Good luck to both of you and I hope you make it through this.
  • Remember that only God is/can be perfect. You cannot. Therefore, it is not unexpected that you won't want to turn the other cheek. Don't let it rule your life. You will want some counselling yourself (probably of both a religious and secular (?) nature). You wouldn't be able to experience hate, envy, etc. if there weren't a reason for it.

    And like red5 said, go cry in the bathroom. Wipe face. If anyone asks, you didn't get much sleep last night (true, right?) and you splashed some water on your face to wake you up.

    Or, be open if that's the kinda place you work. (One of the benefits of mom-and-pop places. We've got 35 employees, and anyone who went through this would be given a GREAT deal of leeway for a few months).

  • If there's any reason there's more than one person is the world, it's this. To some extent, posting in a public journal - you know this. Yes, your pastor or other spritual advisors should be there for you if they can be, but I've always found that some of the best salves are unintentional, or completely irrational.

    Seek out the people you know and trust and love. Not necessarily with the express purpose of talking things out, but to remind yourself that there are good people, and that bad apples do not necessarily spoil the barrel.

    I'd arrange to have biggish house party - ideally with a completely different official purpose. A housewarming if you haven't had one, or just a barbeque.

  • It's horrible to hear about such things happening. I am sure that it must be tough going through something like that. I thought I would chime in from a Christian perspective since you were kind of talking about that.

    First I think you should definitely seek some counsel with spiritual leaders/friends. Others that know you can definitely comfort you more than lonely words on slashdot ever could. Find a good female friend to confide in!

    As far as the feelings you're having toward this person who committed the crime, that is certainly a normal response. In this case I think the end of Romans 12 is very fitting, at least concerning the attitude a Christian should have toward an enemy in this type of situation (KJV):

    [17] Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
    [18] If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
    [19] Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
    [20] Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
    [21] Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

    It can be a hard thing to do but if you trust in the Lord for strength He can enable you to do so. God tells Christians that there is nothing that He will allow to happen that we can't bear through Him: [1 Cor 10:13]There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

    Also- believe it or not but praying for the guy that did this might actually help. Pray that he would come to repent of his sin and know the Lord as his personal savior.

    In addition, something that may help.. Believe it or not but God can somewhat relate to the pain. When he sent His own Son to the world, he went through all sorts of mocking, beatings, and was even crucified and laughed at on the cross in front of people. Jesus was abandoned by his closest friends (the disciples) so he knows what it is like to be lonely. Keeping that in mind- you can talk to God in prayer and know that He understands what you're going through..

    And know that He became sin on the cross so that guys like this person who raped your friend can come to a saving knowledge of the truth. In fact we all have sinned and fall short (Rom. 3:23), but in God's eyes a physical rape is just as bad as lusting after someone, or hating someone. Until we confess with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our heart that God raised him (Rom. 10:9), we're just as bad as anyone as far as God is concerned.

    Well hope that gives you some comfort..
  • Truly sorry to hear that.

    You have received lots of advice here, most of which is quite good. If I may, I would like to add some as well.

    Here goes. First off, this monster (no longer a person in my view) will get what they deserve. Our country has many flaws, but in an open and shut case like this, he will get what he deserves. Secondly, try and be as strong as you can for your friend. As traumatized as you are, she has to be feeling much, much worse. Be strong for her, and you will be stronger yourself. Talk about it with her if she is willing. If you have a close friend you can talk about this with, do so, if you feel it would help. Your friend is truly brave to go to court and confront the piece of shit who did that to her. She really needs a rock in her life, and if you feel up to it and she allows it, try to be it for her. It will help you get over it.

    And, even though it's not much consolation, time will help heal yours and her wounds. Be strong and keep your faith!

    Truly sorry to hear this, I hope you both make it through ok.

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