ACK!!'s Journal: Tired ranting, fuck the Boomers and other stuff

Tired. Hard work and endless cyncism mixes in a haze of nights spent working on servers and coming in the next day for meetings. I am just a sysadmin. Give me root and list of servers to manage.

My love is not lost. The job is a fire burning in my heart of hearts. If I was not a sysadmin I would still dink with computers all the time. But what about my kids? I had the easy job with the high status and great title and crappy pay. Now, I got the cash and all that but the title is minimal and the work is long and annoying.

I get myself into dilemmas like this occasionally. I have done it before. The easy job does not pay but the title and respect are good. Still, I want more. I feel like with my experience I deserve more so I hop to the job with more money and work myself into an oblivious state of fatigue.

The tough part is how can I bitch outside of bitching at the time I lose with my family?

I am sooo lucky. I got two healthy children, a wife that loves me and a house, roof over my head. It just feels like I am working so hard just to get back to the lifestyle my grandfather provided my family with (I was raised by my grandparents). It cost so much to live in an area where the schools are decent and the jobs plentiful.

I remind myself occasionally.

Life is pain. You cannot stand against or you will break like a twig. You cannot ball up and ignore or it will sneak around you and swallow you whole. You can only embrace it like a masochist cutting himself so he can feel something, anything at all. Like bright flashes in the dark the joys of life are worth it and know this. No simple nihilism for me.

What did the Baby Boomers think as they raised us?

We sit and listen to our mindless pop or darkly sarcastic hardcore. But at least we had no numbnut illusions of changing the world. Fuck that. You know we knew growing up that was a load of crap. The world did not want us to change it. We were the minority next to the bulge in the snake that was the Boomer generation going through the American landscape ready to come out the rear in a great big shit on top of everyone else.

At least I am doing something I enjoy. My parents were turds next to my grandparents. They achieved shit with the grace of a flat hammer. Screw them hard. I am finding myself with a great big distaste for that entire generation of sellouts, burnouts and hippy throwbacks. The hell with the Boomers and there generation's puzzlement with my "Generation X".

So today I drift between a tired daze and rants about my parent's generation like I should even give a shit. After all disdain for my parents should be fairly foreign to me --- its much too much like their own disdain for the greatest generation they harbored as they tried to explain the horrid mess they made of their fucked little lives.

And to think it all just started with me being tired.