1. When you call us to have your computer moved or fixed, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 user passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. Ditto for the microwave, timeclock, and coffee maker. Hell, if it plugs in, we're probably in charge of it anyway.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 40lb of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
22. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.
26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.
27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
28. When you receive a 50MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
30. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
31. When you lose your car keys or go to lunch, send an email to the entire company. People down in Las Vegas like to keep abreast of what's going on.
32. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
We truly love you, end-users, you spice up our lives no end.
This happened to me, I called the secretary and 'fixed' her problem, closed the case.
C-level type individual got mad, started complaining. My boss asked me about it, I merely asked him to access the case and tell me what computer was broken. (My boss couldn't tell from the case as it was entered)
Since then, everyone opens their own helpdesk cases.
1. Send out daily emails about the latest Microsoft IE virus. People don't delete those without reading them. 2. Recommend installing a Mozilla browser. Why would they need you to do it for them. 3. If they fuck it up, make sure to make them feel small and stupid. That's what you're here for. 4. When a manager tells you he can't log into his email, assume that he had neglected to skip every step required to log in to email before checking the email system. Manag
4. When a manager tells you he can't log into his email, assume that he had neglected to skip every step required to log in to email before checking the email system. Managers often enjoy having their intelligence insulted.
Which is why they continue entering the wrong account info into Outlook again and again and again. Sometimes logins need a 'burn in' process.
6. Before disallowing users to use P2P software, make sure you have found a workaround for your workstation. This is your SysAdmin perk.
Yeah I have to agree here. There was no need for this post. And it's got a lot of low blows and some pretty much ignorant stuff in it. I guess I'm ruining some karma here, but it really was a petty thing to throw into the mix. I would have taken it humourously if the tone of it was as a good natured jab, which it obviously wasn't.
6. Before disallowing users to use P2P software, make sure you have found a workaround for your workstation. This is your SysAdmin perk.
I would never do that./me looks at the rule at the top of the iptables chain that excludes his machine from every following rule.
Also, whenever I monitor network traffic with ethereal, I exclude my machine from monitoring. Besides, the traffic created from my DVD image downloads at 6.0Mbits/sec makes a mess on the screen.:)
11. Even though there are commercials on the radio training idiots to do your job, you are an irreplaceable resource.
Well, you're not an irreplacable resource yet. First you have to wait until management brings in the DeVry graduates who set the network up in complete ignorance of RFC1819, make up domain names to use internally which really exist elsewhere, open inbound ports 135 and 139 up in the firewall to allow for some remote windows printing, and then loose a bunch of data because they thought RAI
4. When a manager tells you he can't log into his email, assume that he had neglected to skip every step required to log in to email before checking the email system. Managers often enjoy having their intelligence insulted.
I work a helpdesk providing first line support to around 4500 users, I can tell you from experience that the problem is usually at the users end whether they be admin assistant or director. Of course while I talk you through checking the mail settings I'm simultaneously remoting onto
Thanks nmb3000. It's been a stressful week. I needed that. I think I will print this list off and send it out as a policy letter. Unfortunately, most of the people at my company wouldn't see the sarcasm and actually try some of these things.
Yep, I've had most of that happen to me when I used to do support.
"9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. Ditto for the microwave, timeclock, and coffee maker. Hell, if it plugs in, we're probably in charge of it anyway."
I was actually called by a user because her kettle wasn't working! I had to go looking for a fuse in the stores and change it for her.
Another time, there was some work going on and they planned to switch off the power to the whole site ov
She was a nice lady thought so I didn't really mind. I wasn't annoyed by it really, I just found the whole situation funny. We used to get asked sometimes about photocopiers or fax machines if we happened to walk past at the time. Anything that uses electricity...
You forgot a biggie:
36. When a supplier, be it of bandwidth, hardware, printer paper, etc. screws up, please get mad at us personally. We need the inspiration of your berating in order to effectively berate said supplier, and they need our berating because they love it when customers who 50% of the time ask for the wrong thing and get it, get even more upset the other 50% of the time when they're given what they actually needed in the first place.
7. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
I always presume that if someone is at their desk they're working and therefore available for work-related discussions. If they want to eat lunch in peace, they simply have to go to the break room, outside, whatever.
As a corollary to this rule, if someone does eat lunch at their desk regularly, I will wait until they start eating to go and ask them questions. This is to avenge the awful s
They asked me to do that sort of thing not because "I love to hack" but because they knew I was capable of it. My father's friend was a cop and taught me a few things of that sort. Between him, some of my family, and my father's other friends, my childhood was spent gathering um interesting knowledge. heh
1. We are asocial nerds. Please don't personalise your machine. It confuses us.
2. We are incapable of replicating any bugs you produce. sorry.
3. If you are unable to do any work, please stare at your screen until the admin gets round to stopping by. DO NOT get a coffee. We'll be there within an hour.
4. The admin is incapable of engaging in discussion to diagnose problems. Please remember to diagnose your problem yourself before telling the admin.
1. We are asocial nerds. Please don't personalise your machine. It confuses us.
- Personalizing your machine does not mean burying it under tons of stuff and not moving it when you want support.
2. We are incapable of replicating any bugs you produce. sorry.
- How does one replicate a bug without a thorough description of the error generated by said bug?
3. If you are unable to do any work, please stare at your screen until the admin gets round to stopping by. DO NOT get a coffee. We'll be there within
Hey, I wasn't expecting anyone to take me seriously. I just wanted to provide a different take on these things. A few of them are a little tenuous because I wanted to cover all 35 of them.
A few points though;
It's very difficult to fix a problem without the user present. It's also very frustrating to have people put in support calls and immediately disappear.
True. It's also the perfect time to get a coffee. especially if the admin guy usually takes 5 minutes or so to finish what he's doing.
True. It's also the perfect time to get a coffee. especially if the admin guy usually takes 5 minutes or so to finish what he's doing.
If you know it takes 5 minutes and you only take 5 minutes that's one thing...however also realize that if we go over there immediately and have to wait 5 minutes, that often means everyone else in the support queue has to wait 5 minutes. It's also another thing to put in a request in disappear. I have a support request out now in fact where I have been unable to get a ho
I see...and we're supposed to know who does and does not come in? A network outage is potentially relevent for everyone...maybe you don't come in, but you expect a build to occur over the weekend...maybe someone else who works on your project needed to do work that may cause a delay in something you were expecting to do on Monday. Who knows...the point is, don't complain if something is down and you were told a week ago via email you decided not to read that the outage was going to occur.
And maybe you've sent something to the entire company marked "Important", which isn't important to most people. People learn to associate the "important" marker with some mundane IT stuff that doesn;t affect them. Of course they're surprised when it does affect them. They've been trained to ignore it.
That's really not true. Anything I send to the entire company marked "Important" is...at least it is to most people. I don't send messages that affect a minority to the majority.
This is why so many people have such disdain for IT people. They expect the users to know more about computers than they do, and expect people to know the rules, when they just pick them up as they go along, and they refuse to have anything to do with anything outside their job.
If my car doesn't start, I'll try starting it again. I'll try a few more times before calling assistance. If the printer doesn't print, I'll do the same thing. Most people don't know a thing about printer queues. They don't k
If my car doesn't start, I'll try starting it again. I'll try a few more times before calling assistance.
Exactly. When my car doesn't start, I may try it a few times. Then I might ask someone to help me jump it. If that doesn't work then I have it towed to my mechanic. What I do not do is leave it in the middle of the street, try and start it for 30 minutes, open up the hood and start yanking out things, and then take it to my local gocart store, tell them I did not yank out a bunch of things and tha
Your phone line can be crappy enough to not allow a modem to dial out, yet still be used to make calls. This can, and does happen frequently.
This is a matter that can be diagnosed over the phone. I've never had a line so bad that the computer didn't register a dial tone though.
Phone messaging services that use a broken dial tone to indicate waiting messages (e.g. BT 1571) are a regular cause of no-dial tone errors on a laptop when the phone line is working perfectly.
"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a
cockatoo."
-- George Bernard Shaw
Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Department (Score:5, Funny)
Getting the most from your IT department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved or fixed, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 user passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. Ditto for the microwave, timeclock, and coffee maker. Hell, if it plugs in, we're probably in charge of it anyway.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 40lb of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
22. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.
26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.
27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
28. When you receive a 50MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
30. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
31. When you lose your car keys or go to lunch, send an email to the entire company. People down in Las Vegas like to keep abreast of what's going on.
32. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
We truly love you, end-users, you spice up our lives no end.
Happy System Admin Day!
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
This was an excellent way to add humor into my boring day.
Thanks!
#27 - Secretary (Score:1)
C-level type individual got mad, started complaining. My boss asked me about it, I merely asked him to access the case and tell me what computer was broken. (My boss couldn't tell from the case as it was entered)
Since then, everyone opens their own helpdesk cases.
Sometimes, you just need to force the issue.
Re:#27 - Secretary (Score:2)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:5, Funny)
My brain hurts ...
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1, Flamebait)
1. Send out daily emails about the latest Microsoft IE virus. People don't delete those without reading them.
2. Recommend installing a Mozilla browser. Why would they need you to do it for them.
3. If they fuck it up, make sure to make them feel small and stupid. That's what you're here for.
4. When a manager tells you he can't log into his email, assume that he had neglected to skip every step required to log in to email before checking the email system. Manag
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
Which is why they continue entering the wrong account info into Outlook again and again and again. Sometimes logins need a 'burn in' process.
6. Before disallowing users to use P2P software, make sure you have found a workaround for your workstation. This is your SysAdmin perk.
Oh
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
Re:Can't let a guy vent, eh? (Score:1)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
I would never do that. /me looks at the rule at the top of the iptables chain that excludes his machine from every following rule.
Also, whenever I monitor network traffic with ethereal, I exclude my machine from monitoring. Besides, the traffic created from my DVD image downloads at 6.0Mbits/sec makes a mess on the screen. :)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
Well, you're not an irreplacable resource yet. First you have to wait until management brings in the DeVry graduates who set the network up in complete ignorance of RFC1819, make up domain names to use internally which really exist elsewhere, open inbound ports 135 and 139 up in the firewall to allow for some remote windows printing, and then loose a bunch of data because they thought RAI
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:3, Interesting)
I work a helpdesk providing first line support to around 4500 users, I can tell you from experience that the problem is usually at the users end whether they be admin assistant or director. Of course while I talk you through checking the mail settings I'm simultaneously remoting onto
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:3, Interesting)
"9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. Ditto for the microwave, timeclock, and coffee maker. Hell, if it plugs in, we're probably in charge of it anyway."
I was actually called by a user because her kettle wasn't working! I had to go looking for a fuse in the stores and change it for her.
Another time, there was some work going on and they planned to switch off the power to the whole site ov
OK, so who's the stupid one here? (Score:2)
OK, so who's the stupid one here? The user that called you, or you, for actually fixing the silly thing???
Re:OK, so who's the stupid one here? (Score:1)
She was a nice lady thought so I didn't really mind. I wasn't annoyed by it really, I just found the whole situation funny. We used to get asked sometimes about photocopiers or fax machines if we happened to walk past at the time. Anything that uses electricity...
missing one (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:missing one (Score:1)
Lunch at desk (Score:1, Insightful)
I always presume that if someone is at their desk they're working and therefore available for work-related discussions. If they want to eat lunch in peace, they simply have to go to the break room, outside, whatever.
As a corollary to this rule, if someone does eat lunch at their desk regularly, I will wait until they start eating to go and ask them questions. This is to avenge the awful s
Re:Lunch at desk (Score:1)
Ummm...ahhh...no boss, slashdot.org is a...ummm...new Open Source ticket submission facility that we are testing for production. Really, I am working!
Re:Lunch at desk (Score:1)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
I did exactly this today and it was appreciated. How very timely.
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1, Funny)
1. We are asocial nerds. Please don't personalise your machine. It confuses us.
2. We are incapable of replicating any bugs you produce. sorry.
3. If you are unable to do any work, please stare at your screen until the admin gets round to stopping by. DO NOT get a coffee. We'll be there within an hour.
4. The admin is incapable of engaging in discussion to diagnose problems. Please remember to diagnose your problem yourself before telling the admin.
6. All our adm
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
- Personalizing your machine does not mean burying it under tons of stuff and not moving it when you want support.
2. We are incapable of replicating any bugs you produce. sorry.
- How does one replicate a bug without a thorough description of the error generated by said bug?
3. If you are unable to do any work, please stare at your screen until the admin gets round to stopping by. DO NOT get a coffee. We'll be there within
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
A few points though;
It's very difficult to fix a problem without the user present. It's also very frustrating to have people put in support calls and immediately disappear.
True. It's also the perfect time to get a coffee. especially if the admin guy usually takes 5 minutes or so to finish what he's doing.
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
If you know it takes 5 minutes and you only take 5 minutes that's one thing...however also realize that if we go over there immediately and have to wait 5 minutes, that often means everyone else in the support queue has to wait 5 minutes. It's also another thing to put in a request in disappear. I have a support request out now in fact where I have been unable to get a ho
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
And maybe you've
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
That's really not true. Anything I send to the entire company marked "Important" is...at least it is to most people. I don't send messages that affect a minority to the majority.
Regardless...people should
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:1)
If my car doesn't start, I'll try starting it again. I'll try a few more times before calling assistance. If the printer doesn't print, I'll do the same thing. Most people don't know a thing about printer queues. They don't k
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
Exactly. When my car doesn't start, I may try it a few times. Then I might ask someone to help me jump it. If that doesn't work then I have it towed to my mechanic. What I do not do is leave it in the middle of the street, try and start it for 30 minutes, open up the hood and start yanking out things, and then take it to my local gocart store, tell them I did not yank out a bunch of things and tha
Re:Required: Getting the Most From Your IT Departm (Score:2)
Phone messaging services that use a broken dial tone to indicate waiting messages (e.g. BT 1571) are a regular cause of no-dial tone errors on a laptop when the phone line is working perfectly.