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tomhudson's Journal: Update: "that" personal stuff 50

Journal by tomhudson

Just in case any of you are wondering about what's happening about "that" ... (and if you don't know what "that" I'm referring to, click here, read the series and the comments)

So, why did I write this particular entry? Because ... because I was writing an email to an online friend who's going through some tough times, and it once again reminded me of how important ALL my friends are, and I want to share the good stuff with you, and thank you for your part in making it all possible by putting up with me.

So here are a few things that are happening"

  1. With only one exception, my 3-d or "in person" friends have been 100% supportive over the last couple of years. Even that exception really isn't an exception, but more a "it's going to take some getting used to" and worries about how other people will react.

    Actually, they've been MORE than 100% supportive. They're really great. They've gone out of their way to make me feel at ease, and they really do understand what I'm dealing with. I love them for it, and everyone should have friends like that.

  2. Important appointment next Tuesday (it would have been Monday, but next Monday is Thanksgiving in Canuckistan) to start mapping out the future (medical, legal, etc.) This should be fun. I really have to make a final decision on some things, like first and middle names, before then.

    One of my friends has been having a lot of fun with that ... Either he or his wife will suggest a name that really works ... and then he'll come up with a way to mangle it with some sort of tasteless sexual reference. I really can't complain, though ... it's fun at those intimate (as in "close friends who are in the know" and whoever else gets dragged in) dinner parties ...

  3. I'm getting the hang of "there are no problems - just opportunities" as a way of looking at things. It really makes a difference. Maybe I'm only now able to do that because of the other changes I have to make in my life, or maybe I just got tired of worrying about the "what ifs" ... either way, saying that this attitude feels more "right" is the best way I can describe it.

    This came about as a sort of personal epiphany when I realized that I was wasting too much time looking at what could go wrong and why, rather than what was right. Sure, the former mindset is great for "defensive coding", but NOT for running your life ...

    Maybe a better way to sum it up is that it really is about emotions, about how you feel, and not some "solve the problem and everything will be okay" thing. Solving the problems doesn't "make things okay." That's putting the cart before the horse. Being in a good place with myself and those around me means that problems can't overwhelm me, so they lose their power over my thinking.

    (BTW, I seriously doubt most of the guys reading this will "get it", even if they claim loudly that they do)

  4. There's not enough time in the world to do everything. Like email everyone I want to email. Talk to everyone I want to talk to. Visit everyone I want to visit.

    But that's okay ... I'm allowed to say "it'll get done when I get around to it" because I'm allowed to address my own needs first ... without feeling TOO guilty about it.

  5. "Know Thyself." Except that, no matter how much you think you do, there are always going to be surprises, because reality has a way of giving you new experiences, new ways of looking at things, and new insights, if only you keep your mind open and receptive to change.

    Sometimes I surprise myself. This weekend was one of those times. I was discussing my future plans with a friend, and she asked me "Are you happy?" Surprisingly, the answer is a simple "yes." Surprising, because until recently I would have felt the need to qualify that answer. I can live with that ... :-)

Again, thanks, and take care.

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Update: "that" personal stuff

Comments Filter:
  • by plover (150551) *
    Well, #5 says it all. If you're comfortable with your decision, (and especially since you've now said you're simply happy about it, without qualifications or explanations) that's it.

    I don't understand it, nor do I think I could ever understand it, but that's up to you and yours to figure out -- you certainly don't need my permission.

    I do, however, wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you choose.

    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Thanks. Its been hard at times, but its good to be making progress. What I'm really excited about is how making progress in one area is having an influence in other areas. For example, now that a lot of people know and accept my situation, that's one worry less ... so suddenly I can devote more attention to other problems, and suddenly those problems are more manageable as well.

      Its always had a pervasive negative influence on my life ... coping with it, hiding it, doing the whole self-denial thing ... so

  • And by changes, I mean the "for the better" kind. :-)

    Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

    ....Bethanie....
    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Thanks. One of my friends (the one who's a bit apprehensive about all this) has always had a saying - "change is good." Sometimes, its "a change is as good as a vacation." Of course, he didn't have this sort of change in mind, but he was right. Change IS good.

      What's amazing is how, as time goes on, my perspectives (or my "take on things", my likes and dislikes, what I consider important and what's not so important any more) is changing as well, to the point where its affected how I interact with the peop

      • Its not a course of action I'd recommend for everyone, obviously

        You don't say. :-)

        Well, as for names, Etheldreda [wikipedia.org] is right out.

        Meanwhile, The Highlander offers a compelling suggestion:

        CANDY
        Hi, I'm Candy!

        KURGAN
        Of course you are!

        Cheers,

        Ethelred

  • As always, I appreciate the update. I'm glad that you're happy without qualification. :^)
    • by tomhudson (43916)

      So am I :-)

      One of the good things that has come out of all this is that by sharing, I've gotten to help someone else who is dealing with the same issues. I think this is the best example of how life doesn't have to be a "zero-sum game" - by helping her, I've not only gained insight into how others feel, but also found a friend who I exchange emails with pretty much on a daily basis, and we can talk about stuff that would probably just be too b-o-r-i-n-g to journal about - after all, we're both having to

  • I wonder about your progress on your journey. Thanks for the update, I'm glad things are going well for you.
    • by tomhudson (43916)

      You're very welcome. It's been a difficult year, what with quitting my old job, etc., but I made myself a promise, and I set some concrete deadlines. The "by such-and-such a date I will take this action" and "when X happens I will do Y" kind of promises. Mostly, this was a way for me to overcome my innate shyness (yes, in real life I'm almost intensly shy, but I've managed to hide it well, just as I learned to hide a lot of things as I was growing up :-)

      There are going to be some rough spots over the nex

  • Names are hard! I just went through that the other day talking to a Grad student here at school who is trying to pick an American name for herself since people here have so much trouble pronouncing her given name. How do you decide?

    It's hard to decide what name suits your personality and also appeals to you. I couldn't imagine you as a Tiffany for instance... If you haven't seen it before babynames.com has a lot of options (of course it also has a lot of silly crap that no one should ever be named) that m

    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Names are impossible! I was on babynames.com last night, and there are some names that I like, and others ... well, I agree, silly stuff I wouldn't give to my worst enemy ... like this one: http://www.babynames.com/Names/name_display.php?i d =7130 [babynames.com] I mean, really, does anyone believe that 3 people are named "Humvee", and that 2 others named their children "Humvee"? ... or http://www.babynames.com/Names/name_display.php?id =7131 [babynames.com]Hummer?

      The only real advice I could give is that if you can imagine a stripper g

      • by gmhowell (26755)
        Will there be a change of /. id along with the new name?
        • by tomhudson (43916)

          Very good question. I wish they'd take my suggestion and allow subscribers to change the nickname associated with the user id. That would give me a reason to subscribe :-)

          Its going to take some time to get the papers filed and approved for any legal name change, so the sooner I file, the sooner I have ID that matches. I hate my bills, bank account, and drivers' license not being "right." Of course, with the way bureaucracy works ...

          I'm always open to suggestions for a new nickname, maybe for an "altern

          • by daniil (775990)
            You can have mine, if you wish :7

            I find myself lacking words to say anything else, so I'll just say "good luck!"
            • by tomhudson (43916)

              Trade you :-)

              Thanks for the good wishes, and I hope things went well so far this semester.

      • What about Marilyn? I've been trying to think of something that is mature, but not stuffy, and feminine without being too girly.

        With babies it's much easier, for one they're not old enough to complain or have negative associations with a name. You could always do ask slashdot.

        • not marilyn -- that's one of those 'porn star' names when the chick wants to be half girl-next-door, half marilyn monroe. Plus, Marilyn Manson is too much in the news. That'd be slightly annoying. But maybe that's just me.

          jeez. As someone whose name is easy to misspell, find something easy to spell, that doesn't have connotations of 'porn star' or 'stripper'. Anything that ends in 'i', for example (Toni, Mari, etc), or names like Tawny or... um... Juggs.

          Unless that's the kind of name you want, then woo! the
          • by tomhudson (43916)

            I definitely want to avoid anything that sounds like a stripper stage name, or that's too strange ...

            • as i said, something easy to spell and pronounce. :)

              it makes things easy when you don't have to spend half your day spelling your name to someone over the phone. "No, that's Q-y-z-t-m-n-i, 'katie'". :D
              • by tomhudson (43916)

                I could never figure out why people would tag their kids with "alternate" spellings of common names - Cyndi, Brandi, etc. While it might be "cute", it makes people wonder if there's a reading disorder going on in the background ...

                ... plus it makes it easy for other kids to target someone for being "different."


                • kids will always find something 'different' to target someone for.

                  adults, too.

                  that's why i don't like groups of people, i think.
        • by tomhudson (43916)

          POST # 10,000 !!!

          To mark the occasion, I'll let you in on a secret ... the first name a lot of people suggest is to just change the "o" in Tommy (what everyone in the family called me) to an "a".

          I tell them its a perfectly fine name, but its already taken by a friend on slashdot ;-) Its also the name I had assumed I would be using, but I don't know ... its just not me (or maybe its just that its too close to my old name). I've also looked at variants, such as Tamara, which I like, but again ... I don't

  • Can we get in on the name game? Looking for something exotic, or normal, or what?
    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Can we get in on the name game?

      Definitely.

      Looking for something exotic, or normal, or what?

      I guess that depends on your definition of "exotic" or "normal" :-)

      We did this before, but everyone has had some time to get used to the idea, and may have more insight this time around. Who knows ...

      So, what do you suggest?

      • by FortKnox (169099) *
        No idea... my names are on the 'exotic' side... traditional italian names. I really wanted to name Jenna "Giovanna", but the wife wouldn't have it.
        I'll have to dig into the list of names my wife veto'ed when she was pregnant.... the only one I can think of off the top of my head was "Athena"
        • I was going to suggest TheBloggerFormerlyKnownAsTomhudson, but I think most forms don't have enough spaces. Then it'd have to be shortened to TheBlogger and that's just silly. Honestly, if I had a picture I could probably pic a name. I am GREAT at guessing names for people who look like their name. I don't look like my name apparently, as 90% of people that call me the wrong name call my "Matt". (The other 10% scream their boyfriend's name out of habit! I kid, I kid... they usually scream my name with
          • by tomhudson (43916)

            Maybe I'll have someone take a few snapshots at the next get-together.

            Thanks for the idea ...

            • Hey, I think the biggest problem with this world is people don't concern themselves with the happiness of others. If I can put a few brain cycles into something that might cause a fellow human to increase their happiness, it's seems wrong to not do it.
        • Much funnier if the new name is "Kate".

          Yeah. Kate Hudson.

          Not sure it would be healthy to lost that much weight, though.

          HEY KATE HUDSON! EAT A SAMMICH!
          • by tomhudson (43916)

            So many good names ... what name would you pick for yourself if you had to choose your own name, say, when you reached 18?

            Now THERE's a question.

            Kate Hudson would certainly be better than Rock Hudson (though another friend really liked Rochelle :-)

        • by tomhudson (43916)

          Wow - you really do go for the exotic :-) I can't wait to see your list ...

  • by Com2Kid (142006)

    Maybe a better way to sum it up is that it really is about emotions, about how you feel, and not some "solve the problem and everything will be okay" thing.

    My TG friend had this view originally, "just start hair removal and people will accept me", "just start taking hormones and my body will change and people will accept me",

    Turns out it is not that easy.

    I am now trying to teach her, it is not just your physical body, it is how you act. It is having an organized purse, a room that doesn't have cell phones

    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Life is never easy ... and you're right ... its definitely more than "just" physical changes.

      Before anyone throws any rocks your way, while I wouldn't say she has to "conform to stereotypes" in the sense that there's a checklist, I'm finding that, without trying, I'm conforming to a few of them myself. Like taking an hour to decide what to wear before going out ... then changing my mind at the last minute and having to change again ...

      It just comes naturally, but that's only because I don't feel the ne

      • by Com2Kid (142006)
        She does need some help some times. For instance, around 3 weeks ago she got hooked up with this guy who was way to aggressive on the first date (French kiss, tried to buy stuff, etc), and my GF and I told her, "Dump him!! Loser!!"

        Nope, she was enjoying the attention (except for the creep out factor...)

        So then 2 weeks after they met, he, get this, is all like "I've been waiting sooo long to have sex, I have been so patient but I have needs to you know!!"

        *roll eyes*

        So my GF and I then repeat our mantra of:
        • by tomhudson (43916)

          I can understand her being excited getting what she considered "good" attention. Everyone likes to feel that they're wanted. Of course, one of the problems TS women have is that they also see it as "validation", and tend to be a bit blind to the associated pitfalls. Its understandable, predictable, and all you can do is warn her, and not say "I told you so *too* many times." It sounds like you're doing things right, and she's very lucky to have you around.

          So then 2 weeks after they met, he, get this, is

          • by Com2Kid (142006)

            The "lost keys in the morning" thing is SO true. Same with glasses.

            Yah, after my GF yelled at me enough to get me to setup a system whereby when I come home, the FIRST THING I DO is take off my badge, wallet, notepad (awesomeness in the size of 3 by 5!) and wallet and put them in a container on my bed side stand. I plug my cell phone in to charge, and now I know where *everything* is.

            Any day that I don't do this, I end up messing something up, such as forgetting my work badge and having to wear the "idiot

  • As a gay man, I was a relatively late bloomer (24 when I came out). For years I tried to meet the expectations of my friends and relatives and finally realized that in doing so I was just making myself unhappy. Without spouting a lot of zen-like crap about true happiness coming from within, I think the main thing is to be true to yourself. I wish you the best in this transition, hang in there!

    • by tomhudson (43916)

      I know what you mean ... too much talk about positive thinking and you end up sounding like Norman Vincent Peale or Faith Popcorn ...

      Thank you for the good wishes. I'd say more but I have to go downtown and take care of some unrelated business.

  • Homer: Oh, Marge. While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name.
    Marge: To what?
    Homer: Chesty LaRue.
    Marge: Chesty LaRue??!
    Homer: Try it for two weeks. If you're not satisfied, you can be Busty St. Clair.
    Marge: I don't want to be "Chesty LaRue" or "Busty St. Clair".
    Homer: Fine, Hooty McBoob it is.
    Marge: Goodnight, Homer.
    Homer: Goodnight, Hooty.
  • Thank you for the update. And again, thank you for your wonderfull Gender Education series. As name, may I suggest Thomasine?
    An old-fashioned English name (femal form of Thomas) that somehow makes me think about Tolkien and Turing. Old-fashioned but very geeky.

    I admire your courage and spirit and wish you luck, health and good fortune on your journey.
    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Thanks for the feedback ... the problem with Thomasine is that I was bullied quite a lot when I was a kid, and "Thomasina" was part of the teasing. It doesn't bother me now, but I'm looking for a name thats not too closely associated with the current one, if you know what I mean.

      I'm glad you enjoyed the series, and I know that it helped some people here. While it wasn't my intention to "out" myself, I don't regret it, because of what you and others have said. I'll try to live up to the compliments :-)

      A

  • I posted in a forum on another site to get ideas for names, and the best idea tht was given was to look at the list of most popular names for the year in which you were born. It would yield a name that fit your genertation if nothing else.

    Also, apparently the default name suggested seemed to be Carol. I guess it's the Tom, Dick, or Harry equivalent.

    Or there's always Tommie-ann(e). Someone who guided me a lot when I was younger was named that and so I have a very good association with it.

    • by tomhudson (43916)

      I was on the phone with one of my friends this morning, and she relayed "the gang's" (friends that all get together once in a while for supper, pictionary, etc.) general concensus. I have to give it some thought ... I checked like you suggested, and its definitely in the top 20 for the year I was born in ...

      When I asked her if she's comfortable calling me that, she said yes. If you're curious, send me an email and I'll get your opinion (I don't want to post any final choice on the Internet, since I *do*

  • Is there any sort of name that is not Tom but you also listen to? A sort of opposite of the Thomasine-situation, in which a perfectly nice name is spoilt by bad school-memories. A nick-name? If you for instance were nicked 'Hank' because you're fond of country&western (not that there's anything wrong with that), would it be weird to be nick-named 'Hank' as being female? Would your nick have to change to Tammy, or Dolly? Not that I want to create a confusing situation, just trying to avoid the Homeric "Y
    • by tomhudson (43916)

      Its a tough decision. Harder than the decision to go forward with everything, believe it or not. A name is so personal, and when you have to choose your own, it gets complicated fast. The funny thing is, I'm going to base my new name on what I like as a nickname. In other words, if the common nickname for a name is good, then the name is good. If my reaction to the common nickname is "ugh" - then, for me at least, the name is in the "ugh" category too.

      I think Shakespeare was a bit wrong when he wrote:

      W

In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982

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