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Reading your journal that is five years old is fucking lolz and EPIC. When you are not quite so deep in depression it is hard to remember what it was like at the depths.

Beware the depths of my emo-ness.

Well my I wasnt able to update this journal from home for some bizare reason. So I got an account over on www.diaryland.com. So if you want to read anymore of my stuff go to:
http://the-raptor.diaryland.com

I have now been connected for 14 hours :D WOOO HOOOO Gods I am so fucking tired though. I have been reading the megatokyo archive for 10+ hours :) And I am only reading from the begining of 2002. My brain is trying to crawl out the base of my skull. And Largo is making faaaaar to much sense for it to be healthy. Hmmm maybe that is it. Maybe the gr34t m45t3r has taught me how to sense the 733T. Sooo the girl must be one of the undead. Sent here to distract me from there evil zombification plans. It all makes sense. ph34r not for my sk177 are m4d.

Oh yeah, I am not going to bed till I finally get booted off the net :D

I sooooo love the net. I have been connected for 11 hours straight now :D Its so sweet, normally my ISP kicks me off after 4 :D So thanks to the wonders of the net I have managed to only scratch myself a bit. Oh and pull the scab of the V I carved last tuesday. So two more days till my parents get home.

And I am pretty happy cause the girl came on for a while. And I have rediscovered the joy that is megatokyo :D Actually this semester I have read sooo many webcomics. There one of the only things keeping me sane. Gods know everything else just starts getting depressing or makes me angry.

I was so full of hatred for humanity last night I was laughing when earth got blown up, in Robotech (which I now have on DVD :D:D:D:D:D:D:D). I know I am fucked up, but at least I dont go round destroying peoples lives. I honestly cant comprehend how some people think. Do child molesters really think what they are doing is okay? Does a rapists really feel the need to demean a woman like that?

And who are the parents of "human" (I really like the definition of human give in _Dune_) filth like that? They have to know something is wrong with their child. You cant be that close to someone and not noticed their sickness. But they say that most of those sickos are made that way by their parents. Sometime I think we should just kill all offenders relatives. It would save so much pain and suffering down the track.

And remember if you see a good looking woman with long black hair, is kinda on the shorter side and who has an insane grin on her face. Then in the words of GTL (Great Teacher Largo) "ph34r t3h 3\/i1 0|\|3"

Yeah I know I banned the girl as a topic, but fuck it. I am sick of hiding myself from people. And she would only have to ask my best friend and he would tell her everything. I actually doubt she will ever come her again, I would like to think different but I am fairly far down her list of priorities. But if you are reading this L you should probably stop now. This stuff has got to be unhelpful to your problems.

Not feeling good tonight. I really need to find some sort of online group to talk about my life to. My "friends" just suck so hard. I know I go on sometimes, but I am in so much fucking pain I need too. And all my best friend can do is invalidate my feelings. According to him I dont love the girl, I just have some weird obsession with her. GODS he is such an insensitive prick. He has never felt romantic love and so goes out of his way to disregard it in other people.

So now I am just sitting here with no will to live, waiting for my parents to go to away for the weekend, so I can cut myself. I really wish there was some other way to get rid of what I am feeling . But SI seems to be my best chance at the moment. My fucking "friends" are beyond useless. The most advice they ever give is "get over her". Wow, the fucking genuis of the idea. Why didnt *I* think of that? So simple. >:( Stupid pricks.

I am in love with her, no matter what those stupid pricks say. I would do anything for her. But I have been told she can never love me as anything but a friend. And *that* just burns straight fucking through my soul. I used to think that having your heart broken was just a cliche. I learnt that it wasnt when my first girl friend dumped me (about a week before Xmas). Now I know what utter soul destroying pain feels like.

So I dig myself into denial. I pretend I have some chance, that if I just keep struggling on. That one day she will love me. She is all I live for. I would give up everything else in my life for her. I love her with all my soul, and she is perfect (no matter what she does) in my sight. Love is the only positive thing in this world, and I am denied it. See why I dont believe in a benevelent god? Do I deserve this I wonder? Have I done (will do - time is relative after all) something terrible?

And each day I feel a little humanity slip away in the pain. I sit and wonder what I am becoming. Will there come a day when I have so little humanity left I no longer care even for her? Will I just give into the urges to kill everyone I see? If I do, will I go into a rage, or just silently start killing them one by one?

Some days when the paranoia is strong I wonder if this is all to some purpose. I wonder who is behind the curtain pushing buttons and pulling levers. I wonder who would want someone as dangerous as me to lose all ethical and moral constraints. And I am dangerous. I have read and learned about war and killing my whole life. I analyse and think of ways of improving the terrorist attacks I see on tv and in news papers. My mind just works so well at planning death. And I have no fear of death. No fear of punishment. And no fear of any gods. Some days I think I should kill myself just in case. And considering my vampirism fethish that would involve staking and beheading.

So I SI. A beast I become, lest a beast I become. And I hope. I think if I can love her this much she can love me a little. But deep down I think it is a lie.