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Journal: giving up 3

Journal by silent_rock
Well.

I keep on giving up. Every day and every night, I give up at some point. I feel like every day, I overcome one or two obstacles, when overcoming 5 or 6 would be a much more satisfactory pace.

I like to complain.

Every once in awhile, I think, boy, if I could go back to little league basketball now, I would be such a star. Yes, I think that if I played with 5th graders, I would be okay. Similarly, I think, boy, if I could go back to first year of grad school with what I know now, I would be pretty good! hah!

The Word of the Day for June 24 is:
cocooning \kuh-KOON-ing\ noun
: the practice of spending leisure time at home in preference to going out

I can remember entire summers in the past when I holed away in my sublet, reading stuff, maybe going for walks along the river, and that was the entirety of my summer. Getting to work, getting home, hiding from people. I didn't even have internet at home back then, or a cell phone. That was nice.

Something is a little off, I'm not sure what. Then again, I live most of my life with something "a little off".

I got two Kawabata books from the library, but I can't stand the translation of one of them. It's at 5th grade reading level. No flow. Maybe I'll look for a different translation. I learned that Kawabata also offed himself, by gassing, not sticking a sword in his stomach. Mishima wrote the preface to one of his books.

I cooked eggplant yesterday and it was way too salty. Must learn the subtleties of cooking.

I'm just sort of waiting for one week from now, when I fly to Wyoming to meet the fam for a National Park trip. I think that after that trip I will have a whole new (positive) outlook.

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Journal: tolman peak

Journal by silent_rock
me: no wine for me tonight, I'm driving...
albert: not getting wasted tonight like that last time?
me: i keep telling you that i wasn't drunk that time.
kw: yes you were. how else do you explain the fact that you enjoyed yourself?

The car has already changed my life. I show up for events that I wouldn't want to get to by walk/bus/bike. I buy groceries without calculating what will fit in my backpack. It is blue and makes some funny noises but the mechanic said not to worry about it and it didn't cost that much and it is changing my life.

Saturday, hiked with E near Hayward (Garin Park?), Tolman Peak. Not much there, just hills and creeks, dry yellow grass. Cows. Cow poop. Nice view of the bay, sitting on the peak under the tree having lunch at 2p. So that's what it feels like to be outdoors all day (we were hiking from 11-ish to 5-ish).

Evaded work.

Can't complain about the summer.

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Journal: incentives 9

Journal by silent_rock
I told Rols I would give him the paper tomorrow. Why did I say that?? I'm finishing a double latte and I wanted a Jolt but the convenience store was closed so I just had an RC Cola from Top Dog. I hope it doesn't wear off too soon. I remember that during pre-frosh week (heehee!) I was in some freshman's dorm and one student was telling another, "...It doesn't matter, whatever happens, I'm gonna have to pull an all-nighter tonight." And I thought, "Dude, this girl does not plan ahead..." hahaha!

Anyhow, I'm sure that updating my journal will really help me meet this deadline. There are not really any consequences to not meeting the deadline, except once-again-smashed-to-the-ground-pride. It's like in Naked Economics when he's explaining how government agencies have NO INCENTIVE to offer better services because there ain't no competition.

Some things have happened (passive voice...), ate robata (Japanese grill stuff), went to Rilo Kiley concert, took the transbay bus home, ran after a 51 bus in downtown Oakland at 2:30am (caught it), rode it to the end of the line in Alameda (not in the plan), sat in front of the computer, watched NBA games.

Yesdogs put up the calendars for the next FOUR YEARS on the wall and I thought she was planning ahead a bit much and asked, "Are you going to put a big star on your 30th b-day?" and she almost gagged/assaulted me right there.

Jeff came back with the helmet-cam, he bolted his Canon camera on a helmet and is riding around on his mountain bike with the video on record. Dork.

For Father's Day, my dad flew a kite.

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Journal: bad-itude 1

Journal by silent_rock
KJ was going to help me with some GPS stuff, but then he had to take his car to the police station, and then the server with the data on it was down. But I still gave him the cookies, meaning that now he MUST help me and I MUST not feel guilty. He asked "So you're a baker?" And then I laughed because once Singer and Stocko asked me that and I was thinking "cookies?" but they meant drugs. I'm so not with it.

I picked up a real page-turner, Recent Developments on Debris Flows, Lecture Notes in Earth Sciences 64. I think I shall say "Screw you" to Figure 2 this afternoon and just read the book. K lent me "Naked Economics," ec porn if I've ever seen it.

I was tired, and I thought it might be my attitude, then Jeff said I have a "bad-itude".

:-/

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Journal: Really Disturbing 6

Journal by silent_rock
Know what's Really Disturbing? When I get spam from a first name that I strongly associate to a certain person. So when I get a message about "Adult Porn Site!" from the name of [a girl who makes me jealous], I think, that skank! Or "Are your sexual fantasies fulfilled?" from name of [guy who designs the instrumentation for our experiments] - Ew! I am highly disturbed. I should probably put a spam filter on my dept account.

I had a dream about InSAR last night. I was explaining the acronym (Interferometric Synthetic Aperture Radar) and method to a new student. Messed up. Rols said "As long as dreaming about InSAR is not a nightmare, it's probably OK."

I get to hear bits and pieces of the new Weezer album on Launchcast and I like.

KW said that he had trouble trying to just read through all of the Nobel Laureates in Literature chronologically, so I have chosen just four to sample: 2001 Naipaul (heard he was good), 2000 Gao Xingjian (just curious), 1968 Kawabata (beat out Mishima, much to Mishima's dismay), 1953 Winston Churchill (Ce Ce used to have a poster of him in our dorm room junior year - Hot). That should take me a few years to accomplish...

It is raining. In June. In Berkeley. That is messed up.

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Journal: not too nice

Journal by silent_rock
According to the book I just read, Mishima often abruptly ended friendships for one reason or another. If he got angry or annoyed by someone, say, for going bad (going back?) on a promise, or missing a deadline, he would act polite at the moment, but then the offending party would "never hear from him again". I often wish that I had the strength, guts, or will-power to do that to people, but then retrospectively, you should never dismiss someone who is genuinely nice to you. If it wasn't meant to be it usually fizzles anyway. At AZ there was a certain student that some people thought was too hover-y. I said, "He's just TOO nice." (hung around chatting forever when people wished he'd go away) But another student told me, "There's no such thing as too nice." Actually, I guess I attempted to cut off friendships twice in my life. It didn't really work.

During the Spurs/Pistons game last night (@ Detroit), they showed Eminem in the crowd, supporting his team. Can you imagine buying tickets to a game and sitting behind Eminem? "Um, excuse me Mr. Eminem, I mean Mr. Mathers... um, I really appreciate your work and your values..." [faints, overwhelmed by the greatness]. I'm glad that Detroit won.

Today I read the label on the Cosco hamburger patty package: one patty has half a day's worth of fat. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... it's best to just ignore those little factoids.

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Journal: blah 4

Journal by silent_rock
got pissed at matlab, played basketball, had jamba juice, finished Mishima biography, made oatmeal cookies with white chocolate chips, mango bars, german chocolate cake, 2 kinds of potato salad, deviled eggs, ate those and stuffed mushrooms, hamburger, chicken apple sausage, bratwurst, homemade heath bar crunch ice cream, homemade pickles, baked ravioli, brownies, tortellini, chicken wings (two kinds), strawberries, grapes, calabrese, broccoli, crossed strike lines on campus, used a magnetometer, swam, had anxiety dreams, did laundry, maybe did a bit of work.

This is from a Nature article on Wall Street and environmental stuff:
In a company statement, ExxonMobil said it believes that "the scientific evidence on greenhouse-gas emissions remains inconclusive and that studies must continue -- while tangible actions are taken to address potential impacts".

Okay, now, can we just pretend that I never had anything to do with them?

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Journal: deep earth is for suckers

Journal by silent_rock
Our 5th Anniversary reunion is this weekend, and honestly, all I can say after seeing the registration list is, who the hell are all of these people? 1600 in our class and i have no idea who these people are... And they don't know who I am either... But seriously, five years. It would be funny if I had put down in writing what I thought I would've accomplished in five years. Probably should've finished my Ph.D in four years, then become a prof and do whatever profs do with their lives. Oh well. At least I have a nice monitor and a lot of regular flavor oatmeal. What are you supposed to be doing five years after graduating from college that you paid a freaking lot of money (ma and pa's life savings! hahaha) to go to anyways.

My housemate tells me she has been terrorizing the neighbors' little dog with her stuffed-animal lamb.

Some movies I have never seen and feel like I should see at some point:
Rocky
The Graduate
The one where Tom Cruise dances in his underwear.

v: I don't know, if I were to do it all again, I'm not sure if I'd get into the whole deep earth thing.
me: Deep earth is for suckers.
v: I guess you are right, I think I am a shallow person and I should study the surface of the earth.
me: !!!!!

me: I'm going swimming now.
yesdogs: good for you.
me: don't give me that good for you crap.
yesdogs: okay, fine, fuck you!
[hah! she's learning...]

I'm scurred about upcoming experimental stuff. I'm quite enjoying this desk-sitting-period. Excel, Word, Matlab, and Launchcast are my daily buddies. I checked out a book yesterday, Dynamics of Rockslides and Rockfalls. It is excellent.

User Journal

Journal: my moldy life

Journal by silent_rock
Today I got a Caesar Salad from the little man, and the shredded cheese had mold on it. So I didn't eat it. But I didn't tell him either. I will probably just never go back.

AIM is advertising their email with an emphasis on the feature that lets you check to see if the recipient has read the email yet. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that feature on calmail, and I usually use it when I send something to my advisor. It makes me a little uncomfortable though, that people would be able to see if I have viewed their email. What happened to the ol' slap a stamp on the envelope and hope for the best?

Churning out the matlab plots... I always have a feeling of doom when I have to produce some script. Then it ends up taking less time than I thought it would. Then I have unfounded feelings that I AM A GENIUS!!!!

Ken got a new computer and printer. He wanted to set up a workgroup so that others in his office can go through his computer to use the printer. He asked me if I knew how to do that, but I didn't know what a workgroup was. Little did he know that I don't even reinstall my own Windows. :-0 We didn't get it to work. I told TP to just email anything he wanted printed to Ken.

Anyways.

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Journal: regular flavor 3

Journal by silent_rock
When I buy the variety pack of instant oatmeal, I never eat the "Regular Flavor". As a result, the poor, scorned, "Regular Flavor" packs sit there forever, unloved. Last night I made some oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookies to show the love. One batch uses about 5 packs of "Regular Flavor". If I made 2 more batches I should be rid of those scorned packs. I looooove finishing off things, I hate left-overs or food sitting around forever.

While a teenager in school, Mishima's works were applauded by classmates and literary magazines. But when he graduated in post-war Japan, it tooks years before he was widely noticed. Still, he kept after it, night after night, for years, despite his father's disapproval. (Supposedly, his father would storm into his room and rip up his writing.) Later, his father told him, fine, be an author and devote all of your time to it, but if you do, become the best author in the land. It's hard to imagine living through the war in Japan. Someone likened it to being like Dostoyevsky, who was sentenced to death then spared at the last moment. Imagine being resigned to an imminent death, then all of a sudden being free. Mishima was sort of obsessed by death.

I fixed my 10 figures today, and wrote new captions. Happy!! MATLAB may ruin my night though. I just learn the same commands over and over every few years.

Everyone always says, "I hope he/she calls." Instead of CALLING HIM/HER THEMSELVES. But I would do the same thing. I hope he/she calls you too.

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Journal: food, books, mom

Journal by silent_rock
I went grocery shopping this morning, which is always a saddening affair, because every time I am done shopping, I look at my new groceries and there is nothing interesting to eat. Everything seems unappetizing at the grocery store. Or too much trouble to cook. Or isn't on sale. (haha) I made Moroccan Couscous to use up some couscous, onion, garlic, carrot, mushroom, raisins, lemon, curry powder, chicken broth.

Yesterday I wanted to sell back a couple of books to Moe's but then Jess wanted White Noise and atao wanted About a Boy so in the end I was empty handed. But K received some credit and I used it to buy Roadside Geology of Wyoming. YEAH! (I am very excited about using this book in a month.)

Had my weekly phone chat with moms. She was really on a roll today. Not in a bad way, I didn't feel like throwing the phone or anything when it was over (sometimes that happens). But the usual topics came up, are you going to graduate soon? (no); are you eating enough? (yes); are you eating too much? (no); are you thinking about your life? (yes); really seriously thinking about your life? (yes, ma); etc. etc. Her birthday is on Tuesday. I continue to acquire her characteristics such as being psychotic about dust (I wasn't psychotic about dust when I lived at home and she yelled at me to dust things more), wiping down the sink, etc. etc.

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Journal: seppuku 2

Journal by silent_rock
I AM FREAKING PISSED OFF!!! (that was for vlee, though she does not read this. loopy says it is not my right to be pissed off. TOO BAD!)

Today went like so: Woke up, very TIRED. (that PISSES ME OFF!), came to work, way after 9. ran errands. went to post office to pick up BIG ASS BOOKS. (not heavy though) ran into E at the Tang Center Insurance Office. Decided not to talk to the guy because I have before and he's exactly like the demoralized Mr. Incredible working in an insurance office minus telling all of the loopholes to the old lady, had a BLTA at Intermezzo with E, came back to office, Erik and gf were in town on a road trip talked to them, went to Liz's farewell party, talked to Rols with Loopy, came back to office, PISSED OFF!

K bought me a book!! It is a biography of Yukio Mishima. That dude was MESSED UP. and probably PISSED OFF too. A few days before his death, he confided to his mom that he hadn't accomplished anything he wanted to in his life. This is after writing more than 40 novels and plays that were widely acclaimed. Then he committed seppuku (aka hara-kiri) at age 45.

K has missed his stop on BART coming home multiple times. Isn't that funny?

*****

Now that it is Summer (not officially like with the orbits and things but good enough...)

What I remember about Dartmouth summers: humid. old green fan in the family room (AC only in one room of the house). hanging out in the basement because it is cooler. mowing the lawn. being shipped off to various summer camps. basketball camp! walks to the park. going to the beach after 4pm with dad. ice cream on the way back from the beach. swimming in the UMass pool.

What I remember about Boston summers: humid. walking along the Charles River to the Science Museum or Watertown. afternoon thundershowers. #1 Bus down Mass Ave. cooking (non-existent during school year) lots of reading time. Working in Pierce Hall. swimming in Blodgett pool and old cranky ID checker.

What I remember about Tucson summer: HOT. freaking hot. drinking water. tutoring little kiddies in pre-algebra. waking up at 5:30am, swimming in outdoor pool at 6am. going to sleep at 10pm.

What I remember about Houston summer: HUMID. Houston public transportation. Rice U. campus. Lots of Chinese food. Some museums. Some birdwatching. Working from 730a to 430a. Working out at evil Bally's. no furniture. clothes shopping to pass the time. lots of reading time. trucks.

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Journal: public service announcement

Journal by silent_rock
I started listening to The Grey Album. [After watching Fade to Black - Jay-Z documentary at bossy's last weekend.] Brilliant? I like the Black Album. I like the White Album. I like the Grey Album.

I never really related to Jay-Z. I relate to Em so well, 'cuz we are both short little annoying haters of the world. Jay-Z isn't short, little, annoying, or hating the world. Did I just say I hated the world? Excuse me [Miss], that was a mistake - I revere the complexity of the world that we live in. And sometimes hate it.

However I have found some lyrics that I like.

Check out my swag yo I walk like a ball player...
Either love me or leave me alone

-Public Service Announcement

..stupid, what kind of facts are those?
-99 Problems

Oh my God. Today Ingrid sent me a perl script that changed my life. Changed my life!!!!!! I bet you are wondering what it does. It is called extract_geo_profile.pl and it has changed my life.

I took lunch break at Loopy's to see Ry-Ry's [Loopy's roommate] new 60" HDTV. We watched ESPN live coverage of the National Spelling Bee. Saw the last few rounds. Loopy hates watching spelling bees, it creeps him out, but it is HIGH DRAMA and very WORTHY HDTV-watching. The winner was "speechless" and near tears. It was so heartwarming to see him run up to his dad and hug him. Awww... There was a word - Eminentissimo. Should be Eminemtissimo. hahaha.

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Journal: that's stupid! that's fucked up!!

Journal by silent_rock
The "be positive" experiment is over.

shimi left for Italy for 2.5 months. He burned me his Chinese language CDs which is hilarious because it is exactly the same conversation as atao's German CDs which she was practicing on Monday. It's also pathetic because I could learn Chinese by talking to my ma, pa, or bf but instead listen to these lame CDs that sound lisp-y and say narrrrrrrrr instead of nali. ugh.

Shimi: Are any of your exes married yet?
Me: I don't know and I don't care!!!!!
Shimi: Do you know how you find out? You look on the Macy's registry!
Me: That's stupid!!
Shimi: C'mon, what's the name of your first boyfriend?
Me: That's ridiculous, I'm not telling you!
Shimi: Okay, let's try [2nd bf] then. [typing]
Me: You're so stupid! He wouldn't be on Macy's! He would be on rei.com or something.
Shimi: Oh my God!!! He's here! Who's [fiancee's name]?
Me: Acckk! That was another grad student!!!!! Oh my God!!!! That's fucked up!
Shimi: That's fucked up!! ...[typing] Hey, he's on rei.com too!!
Me: That's soooo fucked up!!!!!!!
[Disbelief and peals of laughter follow.]

That was fucked up. Luckily I am not jealous because tastes change. For the better I may add.

I don't like this summer thing at all. I need an extracurricular activity. The public library hasn't acknowledged my volunteer application yet. Shimi joked that I could get a job at eudemonia but I would actually work there for a bit. I probably should've done the san quentin program again. I suck.

Went to the explOratorium with K on Monday. As I told bossy, every exhibit was either stupid or fucked up. The latter meaning it was really cool. I think that school has made it impossible for me to non-judgmentally enjoy science museums because I'd go up to an exhibit and say, That's stupid! That's not a good explanation! I liked the vision/perception exhibits. Also making smoke rings. We counted too many uses of the word "complex" in the little explanation signs.

I am just working on one paper and then the other paper and the back to the first and etc. etc. etc.

User Journal

Journal: food, lots of it 2

Journal by silent_rock
I was acting weird on the phone today to about five different people, and in a clever way of preventing me from ever calling him again, one of the people said, "Look, just call me when you feel like everything is okay and you don't feel the pressure of any deadlines and things aren't awkward."

What's worse, seeing someone who's rarely with it be a wreck (same old story) or seeing someone who generally seems together be a wreck (see through their facade)?

At Margie's I had grilled shrimp skewers marinated in sesame, green onion, and black bean sauce. And dried shrimp, dried noodle, fried garlic, minced ginger, minced shallots, sesame seed, crushed peanut, and hoisin sauce wrapped in organic lettuce leaf.

At K's on Saturday there was lemon-garlic-cilantro-and-other-stuff-salmon, hot pepper halibut, honey mustard bbq ribs, hamburgers, hotdogs, mango cheesecake, peach pie, strawberries, and 3.5 hard lemonades.

I finished About a Boy.

I've been sleeping a lot more than I want to lately.

90% of the things I worry about are stupid to spend time worrying about. I wonder how much cumulative time in my life I've spent worrying. Maybe a year or so, yeah, an average of an hour a day or so...

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat rather then a spotted one.

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