THE FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT
A short essay entitled "On Robocop"
Why I Think Robocop is The Bomb, Man
I think Robocop is the bomb, man. According to the movie, Robocop's metal exoskeleton is made of Kevlar reinforced titanium, which means he is fuckin-A BULLETPROOF. He cannot be killed by the white man's bullets. Or the black man's, for that matter. That alone makes him cool because bullets just bounce right the hell off his futuristic hide. And, dude, Robocop is constantly scanning and recording EVERYTHING. It's like Dick Jones (number two guy at Omni Consumer Products) says to Clarence Boddicker: "He's a cyborg, you idiot! His memory is admissible as evidence!" That certainly adds to his coolness. Also, Robocop can scan shit in infrared mode (like he did when that one disgruntled dude took the Detroit mayor hostage). So don't even try to hide from Robo in a broom closet or something because you will soon find your tired and whack ass SERVED! Bi-yotch, I might add. Furthermore, Robocop has that built-in spike that pops out of his wrist that he uses to access mainframe compu ters. I gues s it's sort of like having a 56k modem or wireless internet or some boring shit like that, EXCEPT WITH ROBOCOP IT'S A SHARP METAL SPIKE THAT POPS OUTTA HIS WRIST, MAN!! And we all know that he can plunge that thing right into a nasty criminal's throbbing jugular vein (like he did at the end of the first movie) and the blood sprays out and splatters all over and everybody's all like GO ROBO GO, KILL THAT FUCKER!! And do I even need to mention Robocop's custom-made machine gun pistol that is holstered in a secret compartment inside of his metallic thigh?!? Do I EVEN need to mention that?!? I didn't really think so, but I do want to mention this (even though by doing so I will be seen by many as being a GUN NUT WEIRDO, but to hell with 'em): Just thinking about Robocop's awesome firearm makes me have a "special feeling"! And don't even front like you don't know what I'm talking about, because you know. You. Fuckin. Know.
Anyway, I guess if you were just kinda dumb that you you could watch "Robocop" and just think that it was a movie about a robotic cop. I think there are probably LOTS of dumb fucks who think that way. They watch "Robocop" and don't even know what the hell they're watching! The poor, sad morons. They don't know they're watching a post-modern comment about the search for meaning and identity in our jacked-up consumer society wherein we are merely pawns of evil corporations who will stop at nothing in their insane pursuit of cold hard cash and POWER. Plus, "Robocop" is a clever mystery story where Robocop SOLVES HIS OWN MURDER!! How fuckin cool is that? Wait--don't answer. I'll tell you how cool it is right now: It's so cool that I'm getting a "special feeling" again. Yeah. But seriously, how many movies can you think of where characters solve their own murders? Okay, okay, there are probably a few of them floating around out there, but how many movies can you think of where an advanced crimefighting cyborg solves his own murder while destroying drug labs, defeating other more powerful crimefighting robots (ED-209...word!), and exposing corporate malfeasance at its highest level? Well? Huh? Any takers? Yeah, that's what I thought. You know, I could go on and on until the break of dawn with all this, but I don't feel that's necessary. In the words of you-know-who: "Stay out of trouble."