In an attempt to stop prisoners smuggling mobile phones into jail, Britain plans on introducing bottom scanners. Prisoners will have to sit on the scanners (chairs), called Body Orifice Security Scanners, which bleep if their subjects have a phone hidden inside them. The £6,500 chairs are going in 102 jails across Britain, and can also be used to detect drugs and weapons. The chairs are very reasonably priced when you think of the savings on latex gloves, lube, and anti-bacterial soap they provide.

The Tough Guy 2009 challenge is described by its organizers as a 'uniquely fear-ridden' test of both body and spirit. The race consists of a grueling six-mile cross-country run in the freezing cold with 21 different obstacles including underwater tunnels, hot coals, electric fences and swamps. Competitors were strongly advised to prepare by undergoing cold water training to guard against the potentially lethal threat of hypothermia and had to sign a 'Death Warrant disclaimer' before taking part in the event. The race was supposed to conclude with a hour-long conversation with my mother covering such topics as: what Mrs. Kline said at the book club Wednesday night, speculations on what type of curtains would go with the new carpet, and a treatise on what is wrong with various family members. Organizers decided against the phone call after it was deemed too hazardous to competitors in their weakened state.

As long as I still have wasted Wednesdays, I'll be fine.