Inglish speekurz shood standardaiz on a striktly phonetik sistem ov speling wurdz
Ok, is it spelled "kaw" (New England), Kower (south) Kore (midwest), Kwa (Nwoo Yawk)?
Is it window, winder, or windah?
And you spelled "uv" rong. See how this is such an incredibly BAD idea?
I did not spell "uv" wrong. The five vowels:
A E I O U
Take the following sounds:
Ah Eh EE Oh OO
This is in accordance with the usage of the vowels in other European languages, such as Spanish or Italian. Thus, the word "of" would be spelled "ov". "uv" would rhyme with "move"
Admittedly, some work would need to be done to refine the phonetic spelling system and to promote adoption and education of the new system. I figure in a generation or two we might be able to iron out these regional differences. Of course, some will resist these changes: if we can get the NSA involved to monitor SMS and internet usage and introduce FCC regulations requiring broadcasters and recording artists to always spell and pronounce things correctly, and institute a new bureau of ruthless and violent enforcement, it should be doable. The back-catalogue of music and literature will have to be either destroyed or republished, and owning old editions will have to be criminalized. It'd probably be a good idea to identify uncooperative parents and separate them from their children, so we can properly institutionalize them using the new system.
Oh, and we'll have to invade England, I think - this nonsense about English English being the authoritative version has got to stop. If we play our political cards right and keep anybody else from getting involved it should be a fairly straightforward war without too much loss of life. We may have to use a few tactical nuclear weapons, but I think once we've established a willingness to use them (say, on a minor city) the Brits will know we mean business. One Britain is down I think it should be relatively easy to make Canada fall in line. Australians and New Zealanders might be a bit of a challenge since they're so well known for their weird accents - we could institute a temporary cultural embargo, that should prevent contamination until we're ready to deal with them.
In the end it'll all be worth it, though, 'cause we'll be able to use the "Don't call me Shirley" joke in writing and it will work properly. Really, all manner of homonym-based jokes will finally be open to use in writing. It will usher in a new golden age of literature.