You don't use 3rd party (e.g. not in your distro's repo) software or upgrade to new releases often, do you?
Nope, haven't yet had the need to with either kubuntu or Mandriva. I only upgrade when I read that there is a performance boost or a new feature that looks interesting. Of course, I'd have to if I had a task that nothing in the repo could supply.
Which distro can I go to and grab a release from 2000 that still has a year of support left?
No need, modern distros run just fine on ancient hardware. Some kind soul pointed me to a fix for an issue that was keeping one old machine of mine running XP (Audacity has a feature I thought it lacked) so I'll be slapping kubuntu on it next April. No way that ancient clunker would run W8 (which I wouldn't use unless I was well paid to but W7 is OK).
Hell, I collect old computers, fix any hardware problems, slap Linux on them and give them to poor people, it's a hobby. Some of those old machines are running W95 yet run fine with Linux.
You've given so many EOL requirements that it's no wonder MS can't meet your demands.
Microsoft can't meet many of my demands at all, that's only one.
I was really hoping you'd comment on why you're okay with running software that has not received updates in years
? I'm not. But the reality is people do, usually out of ignorance. A third of the world's computers are running XP and Microsoft is the only one who can fix that problem.
Maybe I'm just biased against it because I know when it dies I don't have to support IE8 anymore.
That's a very good reason. However, we got W7 computers at work last year and they're running IE7 so you may still have that headache for a while.