Please create an account to participate in the Slashdot moderation system

 



Forgot your password?
typodupeerror

Comment: im sure hindsight is 20/20 (Score 3, Funny) 78

by nimbius (#49546755) Attached to: German Intelligence Helped NSA Spy On EU Politicians and Companies
NSA: hey guise we need you to spy on some folks for us, no biggie.
BND: should we check these targets to make sure, you know, no crazy treaties might get everyone in trouble?
NSA: Nah we're cool we checked them first.
Snowden: No you didn't.
BND: uh....what
NSA: HAH! never mind that guy hes such a kidder
Glen Greenwald: Uh...no he isnt...not according to this press release.
BND: ...verdammt noch mal.

Comment: im sure the operation was a great success. (Score 4, Interesting) 63

by nimbius (#49546089) Attached to: Pentagon Discloses Network Breach By Russian Hackers
Russian hackers: we've successfully infiltrated the pentagons secret networks and have accessed their innermost classified projects. With this information we can plan accordingly our first strikes, retaliatory actions, and offensive as well as defensive capabilities in response to the scourge of american aggression
Russian political scientists: We've successfully modelled American capitalism over the last 40 years and have concluded that following two failed wars, two government shutdowns, rampant unemployment, gridlocked congress and senate, unsustainable student loan markets, widespread racism and fascism in local law enforcement, unfunded social security and public highways fund and an unchecked unenforceable labor and investment sector the united states will itself collapse into Mad Max style ruin after about 15 years.
Kremlin: Then it is decided. Cancel our hacking teams budget, slash defense, and clear my schedule for the next decade. Oh and get some popcorn.

Comment: the original release was far less appropriate (Score 5, Funny) 112

by nimbius (#49544691) Attached to: Comcast Officially Gives Up On TWC Merger
Ceo Roberts: take a message! "Today, we move on. The heralding of the 6th star of ocorium and the death of all that grows to chew the cud as the mighty beast arises has been circumvented. The runes of pestilence have not siphoned the blood of the babe, as was foretold in our prophetic lore of bundling. Today, we stand apart, our hellmouths never to entwine and form a new dead god. Comcast and Time warner will never be able to take our great products to new cities into which wrack and desolation shall grind the bones of the damned to dust, and succor a distant memory of a world once living. The government has seen fit to meddle in that which they can never understand, to oppose the will of Baal our dark lord and in so doing unlock the very amulet that is the dawn of their obliteration. We structured this amalgamation, or as you laughably know it as "the deal" in a pact of dark blood, an ichor stronger than christs own bleached bones, in that it may be transmutated and reformed should such blasphemous interference take place. Today, we walk this earth upon damned hooves of..."
PR Executive: ....o...okay....so im just going to trim this up for tomorrows soundbyte o-on....on CNN, is that alri-
CEO Roberts: Yes it must be hewn into a frame that fits the skull of a black ram to be delivered upon the masses as per the divination
PR Executive: uh...im thinking...8x11
CEO Roberts: Yes. use the eights of eleven to elucidate our will to the sheep. Dorris in accounting has a spare ream i believe.

Comment: a rather predictable move. (Score 4, Interesting) 36

If you think Irans "cyber" threat is exaggerated, try their actual threat. After failing to overthrow the regional government, the US has maintained a 50 year sore-spot for the rising middle eastern power that borders on the definition of angry playground bully. We gin up our animosity for the country with occasional mistranslations from the shah, fervent warmongering from Iran, and our own latent islamophobia. the reason you havent heard much saber rattling from the US lately is because after two government shutdowns, a massive recession, and two failed wars we're basically relegated to observer status in foreign politics. Sure, we'll hustle a drone across some parched desert country like yemen occasionally but the recent treaties brokered between Iran and the US betray the fact that we either participate willingly in some form of diplomatic process on their terms, or they ignore us from any process in the future with impunity.

For vendors to bark up the cyber tree though? It might have worked 10 years ago for sure but now its a riskier gamble. Most people have forgotten the islamic republic single handedly and quite easily captured our most sophisticated drone. Perhaps the future threat is credible, that Iran would seek revenge for our Stuxnet attack on their nuclear research SCADA controllers, but thats predicated on the faulty logic that Iran would operate on a petty tit-for-tat foreign policy akin to the one the US has subscribed to for 40 years. Instead of feeding the trolls, Iran appears to just be focusing on nuclear power and something far more dangerous to the US than a nuclear bomb: Economic and energy independence. Building your own reactor fuel means you can power your cities outside your oil revenue and without having to purchase fuel from other countries. Everything from desalination to medical and industrial power now comes without the added caveat "with $foreign_nation assistance" and that means the US finds itself in the back seat the next time the middle east needs a desalination plant or X-Ray isotope. And it works as well as an ICBM as a deterrent, knowing the peaceful enrichment can rapidly turn into nuclear weapons if, say, another nation comes to overthrow your government again.

Comment: the voting blocks in america kind of decide this (Score 4, Funny) 201

by nimbius (#49530351) Attached to: McConnell Introduces Bill To Extend NSA Surveillance
So voting blocks in america basically work like this:
Elderly: Fox news told me shariah muslim terrorists are installing isis anchor babies in the fema death camp that controls the war on christmas. I still think communism is a real threat, socialists are identifiable through diet, and poor people are poor because they just dont want to work. The only predictable consistent things in my life are regular voting and wheel of fortune.
Gen X: The only news I trust is Glen Beck and singing woodland creatures. 9/11 was an inside job, the gold standard is a feasible alternative, and once i get my cabin in the woods and gun to match my constitution tattoo i'll stop voting entirely. My candidate of choice still doesnt understand the internet or foreign policy but he primised to make taxes go away so thats good.
Millenials: Im broke, unemployed, and between college debt and rent i have about enough money to show up in court to plead guilty to a misdemeanor pot charge. im a freelance web developer but because boomers turned that position into a mechanical turk, Im also a bartender a painter and a food stamp recipient. I had a house once, but, it got taken by the bank. I had a car, but i never drive it anymore because I had my license revoked for not making the payments I cant make on the student loan that didnt amount to a job. I'd vote, but I was turned away after not having a license. My biggest accomplishment has been health insurance and regular checkups. Gays, atheism, abortion, muslims, and any other recycled culture war bullshit are absolutely meaningless to me.

Comment: an unchallenged edict. (Score 5, Informative) 399

Just because the supreme court says you cant, doesnt mean departments wont push the envelope to see if they can challenge it, and for how long. Most minorities arrested for example never see a courtroom, but instead are strong-armed. Typically a prosecutor meets with the accused, threatens them with a dozen or so charges from failure to yield to a stop sign to improper socks after labour day and throws a random double digit integer of years in a prison described like Auschwitz. Once the accused is terrified into pleading guilty for a "reduced sentence" the prosecutor packs up their briefcase and bellies up to the local pub assured he will get to keep his job. Prosecutors that are fair and pursue lenient charges tend to prevent the DA and Judges from getting re-elected, and will eventually get shown the door.

Comment: what is there left to buy? (Score 5, Insightful) 286

by nimbius (#49518341) Attached to: Robot Workers' Real Draw: Reducing Dependence on Human Workers
As an automotive engineer, we "employ" hundreds of robots at different points of assembly to replace people but the cost of anything hasnt really gone down. A car used to take 12 years to design from scratch, then 7, now 5, because we simulate most of what we're doing and machines are just so much faster than humans when it comes to manufacturing things. We use palletizer robots to stack things, transport bots to send parts from one department to another, painter bots that simulate their own paint path and are self-optimizing, and of course armies of welders that never get tired, or sick, or bored, or angry. the result is a better product and our average vehicle can routinely last 500k or more miles without any problems that would constitute buying a new car. Heck, our door lock motors will outlast the owner.

so for me, robots mean the death of not just work, but commerce and capitalism as well. our rework and repair department is one guy. What is there left to buy? who is buying it? if endless consumption just leaves peole feeling hollow and everything we have works just fine, then gains from efficiency aside you're still faced with rampant unemployment and a nonexistent place to sell a product that isnt needed. Sure, we sex up our products all the time with girls in skirts and some deadpan guy mumbling neurotic platitudes in the rain, but does anyone really buy into the idea that a sixty grand car is going to get them laid? We've become desparately predatory such that selling an SUV pushes so many unconscious buttons for ones safety and security that we're practically insisting anything less is suicide when all our vehicles are nearly identical in crash ratings.

Comment: youd be surprised how little branding matters. (Score 3, Informative) 134

stabbed each other with broken beer bottles

As a part time bartender i can attest, chances are likely it was a healthy dose of booze that brought this on. Ive had customers that beat the crap out of eachother for disagreements over how to hold a martini, where to park during a football game, and how to lace shoes properly in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Comment: As an executive, maybe i can elaborate. (Score 5, Funny) 101

To the good-willed officials who find themselves obstructing our annealing:
By now you no doubt know the awakening, or as you put it the 'merger,' is taking place and there is very little you can do to stop this. Having awakened Cablor, our dead god of a thousand bits per second, with your senseless supplication of the common carrier ritual, we have finally unlocked the 6th chevron of the rune of bundling. When as you no doubt observed the moon eclipsed the sun for its final time, and all stars fell from the heavens in a plague of fire, we were absolute in our resolution to ensure "competitiveness" and "fairness" in our merger as is conforming to the will of the dark demon Abyzou. The flesh, as is noted in subsection 35 chapter 15 of page 666, will be peeled from the bone of so much sorrow and into the pile of meat will the hellmouth feast. However, you've failed to understand that we are acting in good faith, and will continue to offer Comcastic experience, and excellent service. It is our sincerest hope you understand our unstoppable union into a single beast, the beast of Motaja Amoi, will help customers to experience 1080p entertainment and phone service like never before, as well as witness the crown upon bone, and skeleton of dead lords upon throne. In conclusion, we hope you reconsider your futile, child-like attempt to control that which you can never understand.

Of darkness and desapair,
Belphegor,
seductive demon of greed and ruin
Senior Financial Analyst

Comment: stop with the pipes already. (Score 3, Insightful) 670

by nimbius (#49510035) Attached to: William Shatner Proposes $30 Billion Water Pipeline To California
Shatner isnt saying anything new, just regurgitating shit he hears on AM radio and KTLA. As an LA resident, there is a shortage of water and there honestly always has been. Car washes recycle water up to 25 times, fruit aisles with sprayers recycle their water, toilets are already damned efficient, and anyone in DTLA can attest we rarely wash sidewalks. The solutions are dead simple, but ardent vocal minorities oppose them.
Farms: the northern half of the US is going to need to stop insisting on a seasonless produce aisle. Its unsustainable. Strawberries in january contribute to carbon emissions and water depletion. Stop pumping the avocado market and realize its a fatty fruit that doesnt need to become the staple diet of a population with 60% obesity and leading the world in heart disease. We dont need to be grazing cattle and making rice, a crop that requires a flooded field. The thing we do best is dates, a plant that grows in arid climates anyhow. Rooibos, Honeybush, Drumstick, and other tough-as-nails plants can come play on the farm too.
The well-to-do.: Stop insisting every gated community and shopping consumatorium in OC needs flushing fountains and gurgling streams. trade in your opulent midwestern lawns for landscape that conforms to the climate. I know, its a step closer to the unwashed masses, but youre doing us a favour.
Beer: We probably dont need to be making this, or if we need to revisit it. It takes 5 litres of fresh purified water to create 1 litre of beer. Bottled water, while often associated, hasnt been popular in LA for a while. Its mostly filtered and decanted from the restaraunt.
Works Departments: FIX. THE. LEAKS. I cant tell you how many times ive seen legacy hillside irrigation blasting 20ft jets of clean water near roads on the 101. Hydrants, pipes, water fountains, and the automatic public toilets need regular service or they just waste water.

Comment: conditionals to change conditionals. (Score 2, Insightful) 61

by nimbius (#49509755) Attached to: New Nudge Technology Prods You To Take Action
We have as a society been conditioned to respond to stimulae. nowhere is this more true than in the United states where advertising is all pervasive and in its goal to sell products, both descructive and deceptive in its employment. Branded drugs should be 'asked about' the next time you go to the doctor, because an elderly couple in clawfoot bathtubs subconsciously promise tranquility and balance. Foods arent high in sodium and fat, theyre "packed with protein" which will help you lose weight, sleep well, and be smarter and healther.

the easier nudge isnt to create more plastic clip on dongles to rate our restlessness or activity, its to become more accountable on our own terms. Stop tolerating major multinational food companies telling you things are healthy and start independently verifying your consumption. Realize that buy one get one free is just a 50% off sale. Chipotle is just rebranded sugar salt and fat with a nice farm image. Cliff, Kind, Luna, and other 'protein bars' are just candybars with a larger-than-average ad revenue and a clean name. Energy drinks are selling potential in a can of sugar, sodium, and bubbles.

Looking to consume a product to reign in your product consumption is the very definition of insanity and its only advocated because predatory industries are doing everything they can to keep you from reading a label. So the next time youre at the grocery store remember the most powerful 'take action' fact that no company wants you to understand: 4 grams is 1 teaspoon. Apply that conversion to the sugar salt or fat content in any meal and youll soon realize capitalism wants you fat sick and broke.

Comment: im sure the argument is riveting (Score 4, Funny) 590

supreme court: guise the combination of drain-o and bug spray you used to kill someone is...unorthodox...we're going to need to review it so until then you might suspend executions.
Oklahoma: never fear! we've found that firing squads are extremely effective! executions can continue!
supreme court: jesus guys...no..thats not the point. the point is, you know, you at least make an attempt to reflect on the nature of capital punishment and the repercussions morally and financially of a system in ...
Oklahoma:Nitrogen gas! shall be used in a highly controlled and technological manner in order to...
supreme court: FFS guys....youre going to off people with the gas that car dealerships use to mark up lemons?
Oklahoma: The gun from Star Trek Into Darkness will henceforeth be legally permitted in the administration of justice! for this we will...
supreme court: ok...that one doesnt even exist...

Comment: hopin to get some funding for my project (Score 2) 599

Ive come to find in my scientific research that black people have a tremendous underrepresentation in the STEM fields. My proposal im sure youll find unique and enriching, is of course to create a special school. This school, for blacks only of course, would focus on fostering STEM education. Ideally this school, while entirely ignoring existing structural inequality and systemic racism in society predicating everything from wage to employment discrimination, will serve as a beacon for for 21st century STEM future.

However should it become too cost prohibitive, or should quarterly market revenue predictions indicate the inability to fellate shareholders with ever glorious profits increasing in an unsustainably linear fashion, I'll close the school and turn it into an H1B visa advocacy think tank. Should this fail too, I'll renovate the first floor into an Urban Outfitters and the second floor will become a janitorial company entirely unrelated to race, class, or capitalist striafication in america. Failing these remarkable endeavors I have another project my stakeholders have approved which involves grinding human bone to a fine powder, then amalgamating this dust with adhesives manufactured from endangered birds and creating a final product suitable to paint road lines.

You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington

Working...