... Your privacy is very important to us. It's so important, MISTER JOHN A SMITH, that we have spent large sums on things like SSL for web transactions.
Enclosed are several blank checks, MISTER JOHN A SMITH, which you could use for things like balance transfers, or to peform HOME IMPROVEMENTS on your HOUSE which is located at 123 MAIN STREET!
And if you call our customer service line, all you need to do is provide your first and last names, and your zip code - and don't worry if you can't remember your name exactly, we'll remind you what it is, as well as providing you with other personal account details, without even having to ask!
Remember, at Citibank, security is very important to us. God forbid anyone ever found out what a LYING SACK OF WEASELS we have for executives, or how we do things like use your retirement fund for the personal benefit of our management. (You don't expect them do send their kids to the same schools that your kids go to, do you? We're sure you're nice and all... but you're just not the "Citibank Type", if you know what we mean)
Note: This is satire, and is not intended as factual (well, at least some parts aren't factual), and it would be entirely wrong of me to speak disparagingly of Citibank's executives, though I admit I don't get a nice monthly kicker like 'ol Sandy does.
Yes, I think you're a bunch of lying rat-shit bastards, the lowest form of pond scum on earth. From the sniveling telemarketer who tries to sleaze me into using my citibank account to buy useless insurance (Thanks for waking me up for that special offer, BTW) to the felonious exploits of your astonishingly corrupt, penny-ante management.