I just got a year older. WTF, I'm supposed to be getting younger!
My birthday was on a Friday, and Wednesday night found Tami and Tammy waiting for me when I got off work. Tammy had brought a card, some presents, and a helium balloon that said "happy birthday". "I might have to miss Friday", she said, "because I have to go to the hospital for some tests tomorrow and they might not let me back out."
So the three of us had a pre-birthday party that night. I went to work the next day with a hangover. Then Tammy called, furious, never wanting to speak to me again; I'd said something stupid, apparently, when I was drunk.
"Yeah, you got pretty stupid last nigh," Tami confirmed, "but I have to say, Tammy was worse."
GLOOM! And it was raining to boot. Tammy called me again at lunch to berate me some more. I hung up on her. "Fuck the bitch", I thought. "Some Christian she is, aren't Christians supposed to be about forgiveness?" Tammy is a bible thumper who's studying to be a Sunday school teacher.
I don't thump mine; I usually keep it to myself unless somebody else brings up the subject. There was an element of jealousy there; Tammy thinks Tami and I have a thing going, but we don't. In fact, all of the girls had an element of jealousy, Tami illogically fearing that if I get into a relationship with Tammy it will hurt our friendship. Amy has a bit of jealousy as well, because if the budding relationship with Tammy continues, eventually she won't have anybody to turn to for sex when she's fighting with her boyfriend.
I took my little netbook to Felber's and had a couple of beers before Tami called wanting to party some more, so I picked her up. She was on the couch when I got up Friday morning. I was watching a tape when the door knocked.
It was Amy, and with her was a dead ringer for "Patty the Daytime Hooker" from My Name Is Earl. "Happy Birthday!" she said. "This is Debby. It's her birthday too!"
"It isn't really your birthday!" Debbie exclaimed.
"Yes it is," I said. I let them in, and seeing the "happy birthday" balloon made a believer out of her. "Wow! How wierd!" she said. We talked for a while, Amy said she had something special for my birthday that needed privacy. We went into the bedroom. It was surely a nice surprise; and seeing as how Tammy had told me she didn't want to talk to me again, well... I was glad Amy and her new boyfriend were fighting.
Tami had been down with the flu, and now she had the flu and a hangover. After Debbie (who wasn't a daytime hooker after all) and Amy left, Tami went back to sleep on the couch, and I went to Felber's. I hadn't drank a single beer when the phone rang -- John was coming over with the twenty bucks I'd loaned to him and his wife. I went home, and John showed up with the cash, and a couple joints worth of weed. While John and I were getting high, Tami went to the grocery store, and bought so many groceries I had a hard time getting them to fit in the refrigerator.
This was turning into a good birthday after all, trouble with Tammy notwithstanding. The phone rang again, and it was Tammy. Not wanting to be bitched at more I let it ring.
Amy came back with a thirty pack of beer, a fifth of Hot Damn, and a couple of half pints of rotgut whiskey. The three of us drank until the wee hours, Amy staggering home and Tami crashing on the couch again. I woke up Saturday still drunk, and hungry enough to eat a horse. It was a good thing Tami had bought all that food for me.
I noticed that there were voicemails, one from Tammy and one from Amy's boyfriend. Tammy's was a nice birthday greeting, and the other was one meant for Amy that wasn't so nice. Saturday was mostly spent on the couch; I didn't feel at all like drinking, or much of anything else.
Sunday morning Tami was still there; she'd been fighting with her boyfriend, too. I tried to get on the internet with my phone, and the phone crashed. I rebooted it. When it came back up there was a voicemail from Tammy, inviting me to go to church with her. Seeing this as a sign rather than the simple coincidence it was, that she called right at the time I was rebooting, I let it slide. I didn't feel much like going to church, and was still a little miffed at her anyway. I waited until I was sure she was actually IN church and left her a voicemail thanking her for the birthday greeting and invitation.
Jessie called, so I handed the phone to Tami. After she hung up she asked for a ride over to his house. "You two going to kiss and make up?" I asked. "We'll see," she replied, obviously still mad at him.
When I got home, the phone rang again -- it was Charlie, whose friend was desperately looking to find someone to sell pot to. I was, unfortunately, not able to afford any, but mentioned that she had a couple of my DVDs and I had a couple of hers. "You'll have to come over here," she said, "I don't have any transportation."
When I got there she handed me a beer and a hitter, and I took a toke and thanked her. We got to talking; her roommate had moved out and she had the trailer to herself. She was looking for work again; the place she worked at had gone out of business.
"I heard you got a girlfriend?" She said.
"Well, it isn't to that point yet," I said, "But I'm hopeful."
"Who is she?" She asked. I told her, and she was scornful.
"Forget it," she said, "no chance in hell. She's on the rag three weeks a month and she's already got a boyfriend, and she's living with him for years."
"They broke up," I said.
"No way, she's not going to go out with you."
"Yeah? Well we've been going out. Hell, I made her pussy fart."
"What do you mean, you made her pussy fart?"
"You never had an orgasm so intense your pussy farted?"
"You mean you had sex with her?!?"
I just smiled.
My phone rang, and it was Jay, wanting a ride to the store for picnic supplies; they were having a family get-together. While I was waiting outside Shop & Save, Tammy called. She'd been in church all day, and I didn't say so but I was glad I hadn't gone with her. I told her I'd meet her at my house.
She was wearing a dress, and was in a hurry to get into some more comfortable clothes. She doesn't usually dress very girly, as she likes to wear baggy pants and t-shirts, which hide her figure. I never knew how nice an ass she had until I saw her without pants; her ass is as nice as Charlie's! And her boobs are nice too; charlie always says "I'm the president of the itty bitty tittie committee" but Tammy's are a perfect fit for her body.
Tammy came out of the bedroom in her underwear, and I followed her back in.
Later on we went to Felber's, and after a few beers it was obvious she needed someone to talk to, as she started talking about her ex-best friend and church. She'd broken up with the boyfriend when she caught him in the act -- with her best friend. I knew how she felt; the same thing had happened to me when my kids were five or six. If it hadn't have been for them, I'd have gotten divorced right then, but I couldn't bear to be seperated from my children.
I think I owe Tammy's ex-best friend, who I've never met, a beer or two. If it weren't for her...