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Comment: A Christmas Pony by Grr Raoul Leash (Score -1, Offtopic) 49

by DrunkenTerror (#48671339) Attached to: Russian Hackers Stole Millions From Banks, ATMs

Everything was silent that Christmas Eve. Only the lightly falling snow
that decorated the landscape seemed to exhibit life. The children of the
Streamer family had gone to bed early in hopes that Santa would come. Tom
Streamer and his lovely wife Laura were snuggled in each other's arms,
anticipating the joyous laughter that soon will fill the Midwestern farmhouse
as it did each Christmas before. Laura was asleep but Tom was engrossed in

          Tom had promised himself that this year's drought and its devastating
effects on his family's income would not spoil this Christmas for his children.
But the lack of revenue made it impossible for him to buy the one thing his
children wanted so desperately: a pony. All Midwestern farm kids, except his,
had ponies to ride and Tom felt a sense of guilt not being able to afford one.

          Tom looked over towards Laura. He then realized he was a lucky man to
have such a beautiful and adoring family. His fifteen year old son, Jimmy, had
made All American in just his freshman year of high school. His thirteen year
old daughter, Amy, was fast becoming a remarkable woman.

          Without warning, Tom's thoughts were interrupted by a loud crash coming
from the roof of the two-story wood framed house. Startled, Laura woke to hear
the supports in the attic creak under the strain of something heavy.

          "What is it?" Laura asked, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

          "I don't know," Tom replied, moving quickly out of bed and putting on a
robe. "Let's find out."

          Laura followed Tom's lead while also slipping on a robe.

          As they scampered out of the master bedroom, they were greeted in the
hallway by Jimmy and Amy.

          "Is that Santa?" Amy asked.

          Jimmy said, "I don't think so, Amy. But I'm ready for anything."

          Tom and Laura laughed as Jimmy knifed his hands through the air. He was
taking Karate lessons at the local YMCA and was anxious to demonstrate his
newfound skill. Amy and Jimmy soon followed their parent's laughter with
snickers of their own.

          "Come on, 'Karate Kid.' Let's see what's going on," Tom said, grinning
while ruffling his right hand through Jimmy's thick curly hair.

          The family followed the creaking sound along the rafters.

          "It seems to be heading towards the chimney," Laura said perplexed.

          "It is Santa!" Amy exclaimed.

          "Don't jump to conclusions just yet young lady," Tom said with a fake
scowl on his face. "The fireplace is lit. Maybe it's an animal that got on
the roof from a nearby tree and wants to get close to the heat coming from the
chimney. It's cold outside you know."

          "By the sound of it, it's a pretty *BIG* animal don't you think, Dad?"
Jimmy went back to making Karate chops again.

          They huddled around the top of the staircase, crouching down to get the
full view of the roaring fire in the fireplace, wondering what the source of
the sound on the roof was going to do next.

          All of a sudden the fire in the fireplace blew out with a whooshing sound.
But just as suddenly, the fire roared back to life. The four of them gasped.
There, standing in front of the fireplace, was a very large man with a white
beard dressed in a red suit, wearing gloves and a cap and stroking the head of
a magnificent pony!

          "Ho ho ho," the jolly old man chuckled. "Wasn't that fun?" the man asked
the beast. The pony nodded his head up and down as if to agree.

          "That *IS* Santa," Tom whispered, bewildered.

          The four bodies at the top of the stairs stole quick glances at each other
then just as quickly returned their gaze towards the scene that was taking
place in the living room.

          "I'd better get you ready for the children," the jolly man said with a
twinkle in his eye. He moved without delay towards the far side of the
handsome animal and fell to his knees with a loud plop. The pony was parallel
to the fireplace and the big man was in between them. The reddish orange glow
cast forth from the flames complimented the rosy cheeks of the warm-hearted
man. The fire being near the floor illuminated the underside of the well
muscled beast. It was a stallion!

          Santa took off his gloves, neatly folded them together, then deposited
them in one of his coat pockets. He stroked his left hand lightly along the
backside of the pony's resilient ass muscles, periodically fingering the
steed's puckering asshole. He used his right hand to massage and knead the
pony's huge balls in small circles, like a skilled juggler handling a pair of
baseballs in one hand.

          "Ho ho! I see you trying to poke out," Santa said with a stout laugh. He
flicked his tongue around the inside of the ring of thick skin. The pony
raised his head and shook it from side to side causing his mane to wave
majestically as if flowing in an imaginary wind.

          "You love it, don't you boy?" Santa asked the pony. The pony responded by
popping the cockhead out through the first fold ring and telescoping the meaty
shaft another four inches.

          "A sex horse!" Laura whispered in subdued excitement.

          "Yeah! Just what I really wanted for Christmas," Jimmy mused without
realizing that he was thinking out loud.

          "You too?" Amy asked surprised.

          Tom looked at Laura. Stunned, they both looked at the two children. They
had discussed the topic of sex with their children but only on a basic level.
They were very pleased to learn that Amy and Jimmy had taken a healthy attitude
towards sex in general and towards sex with animals in particular.

          Tom and Laura confessed that they too wanted to have a sex horse. But
they were afraid of what the children might think if they'd ever found out.

          "Don't worry, Mom and Dad. I've wanted one for a couple of years now.
You see this won't go away half the time," Jimmy said pointing to the big lump
in his pajamas. "And you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until
we're eighteen. I fully understand your reasons why. So that's when I came up
with the idea of having sex with animals. I can learn about sex, have a great
time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant!"

          "Me too!" chimed Amy. Amy blushed realizing not all of what Jimmy said
applied to her - that girls can't get girls pregnant. The others chuckled.
"You know what I mean. One of the girls at school has a pony that she fucks
with all the time and she doesn't worry about getting knocked up by the horse -
'cause animals can't get humans pregnant." Again Tom looked stunned at Laura.
But they shrugged their shoulders in unison. After all, Amy had become a
level-headed young woman and deserved the freedom to express herself in the way
she saw appropriate for the occasion.

          "Jimmy, are you disappointed that it's a male pony?" asked Tom.

          "Heck no, Dad. I'd love to suck on a cock just as well as fuck a pussy
any day."

          Again Tom looked at Laura. This time Laura turned the corners of her
mouth down in a matter-of-fact kind of expression. "My, how our children have
grown," she said then laughed.

          "Shhhhhhhhhhh," Tom whispered with his index finger sticking straight up
in front of his puckered lips. He couldn't hold back a chuckle himself.
"Let's watch."

          The pony's cock pulsed rhythmically up and down in unison with the
stallion's own heartbeat. The shaft grew thicker and stiffer with each passing

          Tom was pleasantly surprised that the pony was well cared for. He knew
this by the way the sparkling glow of the fire reflected off the shaft of the
clean cock. If the cock weren't clean it wouldn't have been shiny.

          Santa removed his left hand from the stallion's flanks and scooted
sideways towards the pony's front legs. He took off his cap, stuffing it into
an empty pocket, and then positioned himself under the pony so that his back
was supported by the pony's front legs and the pony's cock was directly in
front of his face.

          "Ho ho ho," Santa bellowed, his mouth now the right size and shape to suck
the pony's cock deep inside. Santa moved his head and torso forward an inch or
two and stuffed the fist-sized tip of horsecock into his mouth. He slowly
continued his head and torso movement forward, pivoting at the waist. Inch
after solid inch of extremely thick horsecock continued its moist journey into
Santa's well-stretched mouth, the tip scraping his palate and flattening his
tongue. The family members choked as they saw all fifteen inches of horsecock
vanish into Santa's swelling mouth, throat and stomach! Santa's nose invaded
the space formed between the pony's abdomen and the cockshaft within the
sheath, the top of Santa's head tickling the pony's belly in the process.
Still breathing, Santa savored the uniquely animalistic aroma coming from
within the pony's sheath.

          The pony slowly exposed half of his spit-slickened love tube, then
abruptly jammed it all back in again. He repeated the action six more times
then left his sex weapon buried to the hilt on the last stroke.

          The pony's flanks quivered and his tail waved to and fro as the blissful
steed came violently, planting his scalding hot seed directly into Santa's
stomach. But Santa didn't want to drink all of the pony's horsecum, for he
knew that the family was watching him. He'd staged this exhibition especially
for their benefit. After all, he is Santa and Santa knows all!

          Santa tapped the pony on the knees and the pony instantly pulled his cock
out half way, the well lubricated shaft spasming with radiant energy. Santa
sat upright dislodging the stallion's cock from his mouth with a loud squishy
sound. The fist-sized tip, now free, flared to over five inches in diameter
while horsecum hosed Santa's face and beard.

          Eagerly, Santa drank the remainder of the stallion's cum. He held the
twitching piece of horseflesh as still as possible while directing the forceful
jets of tasty horsecum into his still-gaping mouth.

          When the last of the horsecum shot into Santa's mouth, Santa gulped it
down while smacking his lips several times. Santa worked the dripping horsecum
on his face into the exposed flesh. It gave his skin a healthy glow. The pony
again stood normally while the flared hood of his cock shrank and the shaft
drooped once more.

          Santa grabbed the rapidly deflating cock and licked it all over. He
turned and smiled as he looked up the stairs where the sexually electrified
Streamer family was watching.

          "Ho ho ho! Take very good care of my boy here! Merry sex-mas to you
all!" he boomed. The fire went out again for a brief moment and once more

          Santa was gone but the magnificent steed remained, his head turned towards
the family. Tom, Laura, Jimmy and Amy each swore they saw a smile on that
pony's face!

Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Grr Raoul Leash.
All Rights Reserved. 12/01/1994-#295

Comment: Re:To hide the bad service regular people get? (Score 4, Insightful) 125

So they know their service is crappy. But instead of improving it, which would require actual work, they hide it from the people who make decisions. Every person that accepts one of these cards and does not put it online for public use is corrupt. But I guess being corrupt is normal in the US.

I spent 10-15 hair-pulling minutes yesterday with my 71 year old stepfather (whom I otherwise love dearly) as I, well, let me start from the beginning.

He called and said "We've broken flash on both Macs and can't watch youtube videos now. I've installed it twice on your mom's Mac but it didn't help."

So, I explained that 1) they didn't break anything, flash quits working automatically when it's outdated and waits for you to update it and 2) he didn't "install" it, he merely downloaded it and these two actions are not the same thing.

He apparently couldn't figure out where to download it from and I didn't want him to wander to some web site that would purport to give him flash while giving him something else so I sent him the official link from Adobe. So he went to that link.

I did, too, just so I would know what he would see. I asked if it popped up the box about downloading flash and he assured me that it didn't. He started getting frustrated around this point. (Note that it actually had downloaded and he hadn't paid attention to what he clicked). It was here that he claimed that his only option was to pay $9.99/month for "something called PS and LR - I have no idea what that is" (it's "Photoshop and Light Room" for those wondering).

I'll spare you some pain and just say that he finally found the download, which is in some popup thing on the dock at the bottom. He couldn't figure out how to open it and claimed that when he clicked it it wouldn't do anything. I tried to get him to drag it to the desktop but it finally just opened. I doubt he clicked on it the first 10 times he claimed that he did.

Now, at this point he is looking at the installer for the easiest piece of software in the world to install. He cannot proceed as there is no option to proceed. I ask him to tell me what he sees and (it's different than mine - no idea why - maybe because I have Yosemite) he says something about some license and there's a quit button. Oh, wait, there's an install button but it's black and I can't use it. So he clicks "quit" and says "well, it went away and isn't doing anything".

I asked him what he did and he said "I clicked the quit button, I couldn't do anything else and that doesn't seem to be doing anything".

I convince him to open it back up. I tell him there has to be something else to click. Then he says "there's a bunch of stuff!". I ask him if the browser is open and he replies "well, I don't know but there's a bunch of stuff." I suspect that he's clicked on the license stuff and it's showing it in a browser and he then begins reading the section headings for the license. I tell him "you're in the browser, you need to close it" but he's frustrated and pissed at this point so he begins talking louder over me as he continues to read section headings and then starts to tell me the url. I tell him again "you're in the browser and need to close it" and he finally listens and closes it.

At this point my blood pressure is "high over dangerous". He's back at the window where he can only quit. I ask him "isn't there a box to check to say you've agreed to their license?" and he finally says "oh, yeah" and clicks it and then "I can click install now". I actually expect it to not work but he clicks it and it works.

I cannot get my 10 minutes back.

Imagine that over and over and over and over again for 8 hours.

It doesn't make sense for Comcast to put experienced tech support people on the front lines because dealing with crap like that doesn't require a lot of knowledge. Comcast has a pretty good monitoring system and they know when their stuff isn't working 99% of the time. Most of their calls are probably stupid stuff where rebooting might actually fix it.

We who are computer savvy tend to think that people have problems like we do but that's just not the case. I still deal with my mom calling to tell me that her mail isn't working. I ask her if she can get to cnn.com and she asks "why do I care about that? I want my email to work". Then she says "oh, cnn isn't working, either". People here would understand "it's not email, it's my network connection". Comcast doesn't have to deal with us for a lot of stuff that we can fix - but they do have to deal with people like my folks.

God help them.

Comment: Re:Good job guys (Score 3, Informative) 276

by Trailer Trash (#48654535) Attached to: TSA Has Record-Breaking Haul In 2014: Guns, Cannons, and Swords

That's because the next time it won't be with carpet knives.

No, it's because hijacking of airplanes ended on 9/11. Unless you can get more hijackers than passengers onto a plane (or at least enough hijackers to physically overpower the passengers) it can no longer work. It only worked before because passengers figured if they just went along all would end well and they would be - at worst - inconvenienced. That changed on 9/11/2001.

There have been people try to hijack planes since then. Here's one story:


6 people tried to hijack a plane - 4 of them survived. I probably don't have to explain it but the other 4 didn't exactly "meet their objectives" if you know what I mean.

Here's a guy who actually had a gun on the plane - I think he was the one who's life was saved by the police who stormed the plane after it landed. He had boiling water thrown on him before the beating:


Again, he had two guns, it didn't matter.

Hijacking was ruined by Mohammed Atta and friends 13 years ago. Since then we had the shoe bomber (failed) and Smokey the Terrorist who set fire to his own penis (brilliant) before being subdued by the other passengers. Even on Flight 77 over Pennsylvania on 9/11/2001 the passengers found out what was going on, but the hijacker was able to ditch the plane before they breached the cabin door. The sap that they had left out to keep an eye on the passengers was burned with boiling water and beaten with a fire extinguisher - keep that in mind in case you have stupid hijacking friends and they want to lock you outside the cabin.

Comment: Re: Sorry, not corporate enough. (Score 3, Informative) 69

You're probably unaware that the GP specifically used 'HSBC' because they were caught laundering trillions of dollars of drug money and nobody was indicted.

He probably isn't unaware of that. He may well have actually read the indictment itself or a detailed summary of it, which made clear that the US case was very weak to the point of hardly working at all. In particular, not only did they fail to clearly establish that drug money was really moving (their case was "there is so much cash, some of it must be from cartels") but in particular they failed to show intent by HSBC execs to help drug cartels. Actually their case boiled down to HSBC didn't try hard enough, they weren't suspicious enough, etc. (I'm ignoring the Iranian transactions here which gets into issues of international jurisdiction, as you only brought up drugs).

The reason you think the are guilty is twofold. Firstly US anti money laundering laws are unbelievably extreme. The PATRIOT Act removed the need to have intent to be found guilty of money laundering. Bankers can now be found guilty of AML violations even if they genuinely tried hard and had no intent to break the law. Hence the accusations from the DoJ that were of the form "HSBC should have designated Mexico as high risk", etc. Secondly as part of the plea agreement HSBC had to act guilty and accept whatever the DoJ said about them. So you only heard one side of the story, the prosecutions side (except there was no court case). No surprises that you think the whole thing is cut and dried.

It's no crime to be ignorant of such things, but just try not to hold any policy positions on the subject.

Given that there was never any court case and HSBC was never able to defend themselves, pretty much everyone is ignorant in this case because we never heard the full story. But I'm pretty sure if DoJ had emails from HSBC execs that looked like the ones from BitInstant there would indeed have been prosecutions.

Comment: Re:Enforcing pot laws is big business (Score 5, Informative) 482

by Trailer Trash (#48632623) Attached to: Colorado Sued By Neighboring States Over Legal Pot

still, legalizing it would be the better option, Colorado already proved that with the tax revenue they brought in from legalized marijuana, plus it frees up law enforcement to pursuit more serious crimes, empties jails and prisons of otherwise law abiding citizens that were only merely in possession or smoking a small amount of herb, i hope this forces the federal Govt to finally realize that marijuana should be legalized just like alcohol (legal for any adult, and no driving under the influence)

The problem is that federal Byrne grants are very lucrative and legalized marijuana is probably a losing proposition financially for states. Or, at least, for police agencies. Ever wonder why the officers on COPS turn into raving lunatics looking for drugs every time they pull some poor guy over? I mean, seriously, they act like addicts looking for a fix. The reason is that if they find drugs they make money from the feds, so every little joint is worth money.

We've set up a system of perverse incentives. Apparently in Nebraska it's reached the point that subsequent arrests for drugs aren't yielding more federal dollars so it's not worth it to them.

The Courts

Colorado Sued By Neighboring States Over Legal Pot 482

Posted by samzenpus
from the crossing-the-line dept.
SternisheFan notes that Nebraska and Oklahoma are suing Colorado over marijuana legalization. The attorneys general of Nebraska and Oklahoma sued Colorado in the U.S. Supreme Court on Thursday, arguing state-legalized marijuana from Colorado is improperly spilling across state lines. The suit invokes the federal government's right to regulate both drugs and interstate commerce, and says Colorado's decision to legalize marijuana has been "particularly burdensome" to police agencies on the other side of the state line. In June, USA TODAY highlighted the flow of marijuana from Colorado into small towns across Nebraska: felony drug arrests in Chappell, Neb., just 7 miles north of the Colorado border have skyrocketed 400% in three years. "In passing and enforcing Amendment 64, the state of Colorado has created a dangerous gap in the federal drug control system enacted by the United States Congress. Marijuana flows from this gap into neighboring states, undermining plaintiff states' own marijuana bans, draining their treasuries, and placing stress on their criminal justice systems," says the lawsuit. "The Constitution and the federal anti-drug laws do not permit the development of a patchwork of state and local pro-drug policies and licensed distribution schemes throughout the country which conflict with federal laws."

Marissa Mayer's Reinvention of Yahoo! Stumbles 222

Posted by samzenpus
from the best-laid-plans dept.
schnell writes The New York Times Magazine has an in-depth profile of Marissa Mayer's time at the helm of Yahoo!, detailing her bold plans to reinvent the company and spark a Jobs-ian turnaround through building great new products. But some investors are saying that her product focus (to the point of micromanaging) hasn't generated results, and that the company should give up on trying to create the next iPod, merge with AOL to cut costs and focus on the unglamorous core business that it has. Is it time for Yahoo! to "grow up" and set its sights lower?

+ - AnandTech bought by Purch, same owner as Tom's Hardware

Submitted by DrunkenTerror
DrunkenTerror (561616) writes "Following founder Anand Lal Shimpi's departure a few months back, seminal tech site AnandTech has been bought by Purch, the same company that owns their 1990s era competitor, Tom's Hardware. Long-time readers shouldn't worry, however, since "AnandTech and Tom’s Hardware remain editorially independent, and though no longer competitors, the goal is to learn from one another. ""

Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.