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jawtheshark's Journal: ...sometimes love means, being able to let go. :-( 22

Journal by jawtheshark

You pretty much all know what that subject line means, don't you?

Due to factors out of my power (Read: Mother in Law said things I told to her, but didn't want to address yet to my wife.... Talk about tact...), I had to address the issue of our relationship. Originally, I wanted to wait with that until she at least started therapy and was at least partially ok physically. I was (and am still) willing to give her a chance. She wouldn't listen and said she couldn't live with me anymore.

Fair enough... I'm such an inconsiderate asshole, I wouldn't want to live with me... Oh, wait... That's not even remotely true. However, she thinks it's all my fault.

Well, fine...

Doesn't help she refused treatment by the psychiatrist... That was the condition sine qua non for me anyway.

Anyway... 5 years of my life down the drain. Anyone needs a "slightly used shark, heart is broken, for the rest okay"?

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...sometimes love means, being able to let go. :-(

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  • I figured you'd be good for at least another 6 months, while "things worked through their normal process", and you got to the point where you would find it okay, from both a moral and ethical standpoint, to extricate yourself from the situation. Shows how lousy I am at predicting things sometimes.

    Then again, slashdot recently reported that women (whether that includes the pit-bulls known as mother-in-laws is the subject of another debate) can only keep a secret for an average of 47 hours. Mind you, thi

    • you can\t claim to have "wasted" 5 years if you've learned a few things about yourself, and have a more comprehensive view of the world, and the way your little corner of it works.

      That's what my dad said...

      He's probably right...

      So have a few drinks to ease the pain / celebrate your new life

      Will get drunk, am working on it right now.

      • by tomhudson (43916)

        What I've told both my daughters is simple: "As long as you're happy with whoever you're with, then they're pure gold. If at some point you decide they're not the one, they're just like any other person, no better, no worse. The moment they hit you, otherwise abuse you, try to manipulate you, they're absolute dog-shit."

        I imagine it's the same message most parents WANT to communicate to their adult kids ("I'll respect, support, and stand by your choices.") but can't.

        And since you're having a few, I th

        • The moment they hit you, otherwise abuse you, try to manipulate you, they're absolute dog-shit.

          But I didn't do anything like that. What she thinks I'm doing wrong is:

          • Not going to bed at the same time as her
          • Spend too much time with my computer (WTF... You married a computer scientist for crying out loud!)
          • Not spending enough time with her... (Yeah, go figure... I need to go to work and not every minute out of that time belongs to you)
          • I am too passive... I show no initiative to go out. (Sure, I'm a stay-at
          • by tomhudson (43916)

            Oh, I never meant to imply that YOU did any of those things - it works both ways. The moment SHE tries to be manipulative, abusive, etc., she's also in the "dog-shit" pile.

            Jumping out a window to try to get you to "pay more attention" has to rank near the top when it comes to "cruelly manipulative" and self-centered.

            As for being a bad husband, most women want two - one to pay the bills, and one to do the dishes. Just like most men want a wife who's got two personalities - proper in public and a slut

            • Anyway, it appears that all that happened was that it sped up the inevitable. "Don't get help? That's your decision, and I respect it. Now please respect mine. Good-bye." is not just rational - it's self-preservation.

              Wisdom, this is.

              Sorry it sucks, JtS. But as the song goes, just keep swimming.

          • People don't change. That's my mantra for relationships. Of course, people DO change, but you can't go into a relationship expecting people to change, especially not the way you want them to. Too many people get married and immediately try to get the new bride or groom to become a different person.

            Then again, people try to put on their best faces until they get married, then drop the ruse once they're committed.

            The personality traits you mentioned had to be obvious while you were dating. I can't imagine you

            • Too many people get married and immediately try to get the new bride or groom to become a different person.

              But I didn't.... I always accepted how she was, including the few pounds too much which she abhorred so much. It was just me not fulfilling her expectations. I, to this days, have no qualms. Sure, she expected much.... There is simply nothing I could say I disliked about her. Her unrealistic expectations perhaps... But even then, I tried to fullfill them.

              • by tomhudson (43916)

                All that "hoping things will change after marriage" and the "lunch-bag letdown" when it doesn't happen are one of the reasons that marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.

                The funny thing is, the people I know who aren't married seem to be able to work through their crises better, probably because they don't have this "OMG THE MARRIAGE IS RUINED" monster in the room.

                People get older, they grow apart, it happens.

                Reminds me of the joke about the 97-year-old man and his 95-year-old wife seeing a lawyer about

          • by turgid (580780)

            Not going to bed at the same time as her

            People sometimes need to go to bed at different times, especially if one is having trouble getting to sleep, or if one needs to be up particularly early.

            Spend too much time with my computer

            This is one thing that non-computer people can't understand. If you've never been 5 hours into a particularly exciting piece of frobbery in a new language, or solving a gnarly problem in an interesting new way, you could never understand. Mrs Turgid has come to respect this now

  • For me, it was a 13 year journey. We've been growing apart for a while now, so it isn't entirely unexpected. And our divorce is (so far) really amicable. But it did pretty much boil down to she wanted more from me, and I was resenting what I had already given up.

  • by Tet (2721) *
    I'm sorry to say that I'm afraid this was only a matter of time. I've been waiting for it to happen for a while now. That said, she's not going to be at her most rational right now, so make allowances for that. I'm fairly sure you will anyway. But although you probably don't want to hear it, I think it's going to be the right outcome in the long run. Whatever you do, look after yourself. I'm having a drink on your behalf now. Here's to you...
    • I don't think I wanted to see the truth my self. So long for trying to be a rational person.
      • by Tet (2721) *
        From your previous posts, I think you probably already saw it, but weren't prepared to admit it. Anyway, next time you're in London, give me a shout and we'll neet up for a beer or two.
        • Sure Tet... Will do... Last time it was really nice... Even though that night, I didn't go at the same time to bed as her either. I just wonder sometimes what I did to deserve this.
          • by johndiii (229824) *

            What you did to deserve it? Nothing, most likely - but events flow from our choices, even when one is trying to do the right thing. I tried to be a good husband, to do the right things in my marriage. But it turned out that I was enabling some behavior that turned out to be fairly nasty over the long term. So I am where I am. And I'm happy with my life, despite some very sad moments.

            That's what you do - moment to moment, make the best choices that you can. There will be some sad moments, but also some

  • I'm not going to pretend to analyze it. It's a rough thing to go through.

  • 5 years of my life down the drain.

    Not true. But distance will help. You've got your head screwed on straight, so you're ahead of the curve.

Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. -- Jim Gettys

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